I’m Supposed To Meditate, But Supertramp Keeps Fucking It Up

My cut rate therapist who claims to have seen actual demons has given me the assignment. I’m supposed to meditate for 5 minutes a day.

Five. Whole. Fucking. Minutes.

First of all, the option of ‘clearing my mind’ is right out. It’s way too fucking noisy in there. It’s like being at a crowded bar where everyone is drunk an ONE person is saying “Hey, you guys.  Hey. Hey, you guys..Listen to me. Shhhh…just listen to me for a minute”.

It’s not going to fucking happen.

This is what has happens every time I try to clear my mind and sit quietly with my thoughts:

Okay, Michelle. Just quiet down. Listen to your thoughts. Don’t judge them, just watch them float by.candles

This is boring. 

Is five minutes up yet? 

It’s been 32 seconds. 

Then my brain decides that we’re going to listen to the The Logical Song by Supertramp. The problem is, I don’t know the words to that song all that well, so I just make them up. I have no control over this.

NO. We are not going to play Supertramp. Just stop that now. 

So they send me away and teach me how to be bendable, a receptacle, grow tentacles, be biblical. 

That’s just silly, dumbass, I’m pretty sure tentacles isn’t part of the song.

No, wait. Don’t call yourself a dumbass. You’re  supposed to be learning to say NICE things to yourself. Dippy cunt. 

Then Supertramp, who at this point have become the Rockettes, are kicking their way through my head and continuing the song that never ends.

I don’t even know what the members of Supertramp look like. Didn’t I have Breakfast In America? Pretty sure I did. I think we all had that album, right? Wait, Breakfast In America? Is that the right album name? I suck at album names. 

And they show me a world where I could be so indelible, delectable, confrontational, burnable.

It’s five fucking minutes. I can’t think about nothing for five fucking minutes.

Then I go to work where people are pitiful, hysterical, umbilical, war criminals.

I’m not sure the meditation thing is going to work out for me.

 

 

 

 

 

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Add your comments below. Profanity is encouraged, but not required. ;)
  1. Rhonda says:

    Dippy cunt! Best line I’ve seen all week! You are the best!

    Reply
  2. Megan says:

    LMAO! That is exactly how I would describe my first few forays into meditation. Except that I’m just a bit younger than you – so it wasn’t Supertramp. Some ridiculous 80’s hairband music, probably. Now I know better and only attempt guided meditations. I need someone telling me what to do! After 45 years of needing someone tell me what to do – I can’t just up and start doing it myself!!! Especially in trying to learn how to shut up the constant monologue. Yikes!
    Anyway – I have found it extremely helpful to meditate. (Now that I no longer feel like a puppy with a short attention span. If I make it all the way through a meditation without giving up I then reward myself with a Snausage!) Just kidding!!!

    Stick with it – I’m sure that it will spawn some more delightful blog ideas. Can’t wait to hear more!

    Reply
  3. Ona says:

    Yoga. My Sharona. Just sayin’.

    Reply
  4. stef says:

    Great, now I somehow have Super-Freak stuck in my head. “She’s a super freak, superfreak. She’s SUPERFREAKKKY!!” 😛 not even the same song…

    I could never meditate because my mind never seems to shut off and the random thoughts ping around like free associations too much. So I’m still happy with just Yay–I fell asleep before midnight!

    Reply
    • Michelle says:

      I’ve moved on..somehow, to Cory Hart singing about wearing sunglasses at night. My brain is a dick.

      Reply
      • stef says:

        I loved that song! but then I start thinking about all the Cory’s from the 80s. Was he in Stand by Me? or was that Cory Feldman? Goonies? Cyndi Lauper!

        I really should be doing something like laundry now. But thanks for the laugh!

        Reply
  5. Sue says:

    I’m still laughing as I type this. And every time I think “dippy cunt” I laugh some more.

    My few disastrous attempts at meditation have gone pretty much like yours, but without the benefit of a Supertramp soundtrack. They mostly just consist of me mentally telling my brain to SHUT UP. I’m pretty sure that me fighting with myself is *not* the kind of inner peace that meditation is supposed to provide.

    But I might be doing it wrong.

    Reply
    • Michelle says:

      well then, we’re doing it wrong together.

      That sounded more unintentionally dirty than I intended.

      I’m going to keep trying. If I can just remember.

      Reply
  6. Kareña says:

    PMSL at the Supertramp made up lyrics! 🙂 I did get pretty into the meditation thing a lot of years back, I should really get back into it as it was very good for relaxing. There is the eastern method and the western way. I prefer the western pagan based methodology personally. For me I find imagining falling down the rabbit hole, ala Alice, slowly spiralling downward, works for me. I’ve also tried subtracting backwards in 17s from 19,0038 or some other weird number that stops you from having random thoughts…like Supertramp songs

    Reply
  7. Wait, they didn’t say tentacles? Was it testicles?

    Reply
  8. Brenda W says:

    Nice to see I am not the only one who can’t meditate for even a micro second without the band starting up, the screaming demons start their hissing and derision and my thoughts about “just watching my thoughts, let the float on by. Oh shit, now I’m thinking about not thinking. Now I am judging about thinking about not thinking. I suck at this. Shhh. Just shut up. Dear God, why can’t I do this. How fucking hard it is to NOT think?? Men do it all the time. Men. I wonder what my ex is doing. I hope he’s miserable. Oh shit, now I’m thinking. And judging. And, what is that sound? What is that goddamn dog doing downstairs? Does she need to go out?….”

    So yeah, at 32 seconds, compared to me, you are a master meditator. I find guided meditations work WAY better. Yoga Nidra is frickin awesome. Most of my mediation, however, comes out of a wine bottle. Inner peace in a glass.

    Reply
    • Michelle says:

      I am good at the booze in a glass meditation too.

      Soooo…32 seconds isn’t so bad, then? I should be a life coach.

      I just typed couch instead of coach which is entirely different

      Reply
    • Megan says:

      Do tell – what is this Yoga Nidra? And, of course, self-medication – oops – self-meditation is good, too. Do you prefer Red or White meditation? LOL I try to switch it up, myself…. With the occasional bourbon or whiskey thrown in. 🙂

      Reply
      • Michelle says:

        I can’t drink wine because it makes me sick. I can drink the fuck out of bourbon, tequila or vodka though

        Reply
      • Brenda W says:

        My medication, er, meditation of choice is red. Deep, dark, smoky and in a glass. As for Yoga Nidra, you can search for it on You Tube. Basically you lay flat on the floor with a pillow supporting your head and knees (not the same pillow….that could be awkward) and a blanket to keep you warm. Then you lay perfectly still for 45 minutes while you are guided to notice all the various parts of your body and then they take you on a journey to the point of just before you fall asleep (although I have fallen asleep more than once). It is the most relaxing experience. I have also gone to classes at our yoga center and downloaded a guided meditation from iTunes. I told one of my coworkers about it and she loves it.

        Reply
        • Michelle says:

          That does sound fairly awesome. I’m going to search for it

          Reply
          • Megan says:

            Oh, cool! I’m gonna look it up. In my head I’m imaging trying to make one pillow work for head and knees. It is similar to the people that don’t understand blankets in the snuggie infomercials… 🙂 Thankfully you explained that’s NOT correct!
            Michelle – tequila is BAD. I thought we were besties in college one night, but we haven’t spoken to one another since.

          • Michelle says:

            Shooot…tequila has been my buddy every weekend for DECADES.

          • Brenda W says:

            If you can’t find anything, let me know. I love it. It’s the only time I can actually shut the monkey in my brain off. And I get to do it laying down with a pillow and blankie. It beats the hell out of trying to meditate on a cushion, trying to keep my back sraight and having my legs fall asleep while my brain is pinging inside my brain thinking about how freakin uncomfortable I am. I am a big fan of anything that requires nothing of me but laying down. 🙂 Or drinking wine. But I haven’t found a Yoga Merlot …. yet.

  9. katie says:

    Meditating is hard! I’ve tried and one minute is an eternity. I’m curious as to how your shrink told you about seeing demons.Did you share that and I missed it? Pretty sure that’s as no no in the professional world, at least in these parts.Can’t even say you believe in God, unless it’s as religious org. Not that it matters, unless your treatment goals include an exorcism…

    Reply
    • Michelle says:

      I didn’t pursue it because I was at a loss for words…which is pretty shocking as that rarely happens. I’ve been trying to find a way to bring it back up because I am intensely curious about it. We were talking about television shows and she said she couldn’t watch Supernatural because it was too realistic. I said..but it’s about vampires and werewolves…and she said..and demons. I said, oh..you mean the evil that people are capable of? And she said no..actual demons..she’s seen them.

      I just got quiet for a minute and said..well for me, that’s fiction..and we moved on.

      I think I mentioned it in a different blog post.

      She offered ‘faith based’ counseling and I turned it down, I’m just not interested in that.

      Reply
  10. Brian says:

    It’s TESTICLES. I’m pretty sure.

    Meditation is really hard to start (I’m the same way, my mind will never STFU, I’m hoping for a dull roar). There are some guided meditations that sort of help me; if I can find a few minutes to sit with some headphones and listen and not fall asleep. Of course it has been a while and I would have to look up the web site again but I’d be happy to share if you are interested.

    A quiet mind doesn’t mean a silent mind. It’s okay to let yourself ramble, just let it happen.

    Reply
  11. And now, thanks to the mental image of Supertramp dressed like the Rockettes, I’ll never be able to meditate.

    Reply
  12. ROFL! That is very similar to what happens when I try to meditate! My brain refuses to be quiet! If I try to listen to some sort of guided meditation, it is even worse. They’re like, “Picture yourself at a calm, beautiful ocean,” and my brain is like, “Never!”

    Reply
  13. Cracking up! You have totally nailed exactly why meditation would never work for me either! I then just find myself thinking about the fact that I am not supposed to be thinking!-Ashley

    Reply
  14. Lori says:

    Wait…back the truck up. She sees demons? When did that happen? I must have missed that post. I have been stupidly busy or busy being stupid (actually I’m supposed to be busy with something stupid right now) still I think I would remember the therapist who has seen demons. Actually I met someone 2 years ago who told me his demon story so it’s not without precedent for me but still…
    Oh meditating Yup not for me. I just started “easy Hatha yoga” and I spend the whole time at the end when you’re just lying there thinking things like “Wow that 80 year old woman on the mat beside me just kicked my ass at easy Hatha Yoga. & How much longer do I have to lie here?”.

    Reply
  15. MommyEnnui says:

    Hilarious! Your description of meditation as the person trying to get everyone’s attention in a bar is the best I’ve ever heard. Spot on!

    Reply
  16. Ah, I’ve never really tried to meditate… that I recall. But I HAVE tried to do yoga in the mornings “to start the day calmly” or some shit. I’ll put on relaxing music and start getting to it and I swear it’s the longest 15…10…even 5 minutes of my life. And then I have to crawl back into bed.

    Reply
    • Michelle says:

      I’m still putting it off. I should totally be meditating now, but instead I’m playing on the internet and watching Supernatural for the billionth time

      Reply
  17. Deanna says:

    Oh no way. I tried meditating. I really did. I always thought it would be a really relaxing thing to do. The voices in my head did not agree. They got into an argument over whether I had actually put the clothes in the dryer and then they made grocery lists and scolded me for not cleaning the bathrooms yet. By the time they were through with me I was a nervous pile of guilt for wasting time meditating.

    Reply
  18. Jana says:

    Meditating is HARD!! I try to picture myself on the bottom of the ocean, looking up at the top of the water from underneath. When I used to scuba dive, I found that to be very relaxing and pretty (except I couldn’t enjoy it for more than 5-10 seconds at a time, because there are SHARKS somewhere down there and if you aren’t on the lookout, you could be LUNCH!) The Groupon here is selling a 30 minute flotation tank session – you know, where you float in highly salinized (is that a word?) water, in total darkness. I contemplated it for a moment or two — but chances are I’d freak out a minute or two in.

    Reply
    • Michelle says:

      I have ALWAYS wanted to try that…It does seem a little freaky, but I really would like to try that.

      Yeah, I wouldn’t scuba. Fuck being lunch…bet it IS relaxing though

      Reply
  19. Ze Doktor says:

    There ARE aids to meditation. And not the big rubber hammer the Three Stooges preferred. One, on the Aural (not Oral, dingdongs) is the use of a Mantra, which is most often given you by a meditation master who can sense the map in your mind. Another is the Visual, which involves occupying the mind with a figure to look at. The Tibetans had a variety of interesting meditation figures. Yet another “focus” is the Olfactory, where burning incense provides a focus to tear away the distracted mind from its meanderings.
    My own personal Hell is hearing the song “One-Eyed, One-Horned Purple People Eater” endlessly playing, just to repeat when the last word, “Tequila,” is sung.
    Having somewhere to go is important. My ex, Atilla The Hun thought I was using zen to escape chores and would set the Great Dane on me to nuzzle me to death. Oh well, that was short-lived.

    Reply
    • Michelle says:

      Okay, cool…thanks for the tips. I am definitely going to need an aid of some sort. Aaaaand I am more than likely gonna hear the flying purple people eater song next time I try. 🙂

      Reply
  20. Manicmom says:

    If I tried to clear my mind for five minutes, I might be seeing demons too. Now, though, I’m going to have that Supertramp song in my head all day.

    I’d be mad about it, but you provided the first laugh out loud moment of the day too, so I’ll forgive you.

    Reply
    • Michelle says:

      try to get it out as soon as you can…or you’ll be spending the whole day coming up with new lyrics. It’s maddening.

      Reply
  21. I like your lyrics better than the original!

    Reply
  22. P'Tah, The El-Daoud says:

    “Rubber Shoes In Hell.” Well, doesn’t THAT raise a specter. And all of them fulla wet, squeaky feet, too, I bet.

    MY version of Hell is checkout at Wallies where the line never moves and all these people with baskets loaded up to the ceiling jostle and connive to cut in and fistfights break out every five minutes, and the Security Idiots are too high on something to do anything about it, and the Muzak is all garbled Easy Listening Dentist Office Christmas tunes, and many repeats of Burl Ives singing, “Hully-Gully Christmas.” Ho-fucking-ho.

    But you wanna meditate and can’t get the sleazy Rock tunes outta yer mind, huh? Well try and sing along to the ‘Fifties Classic, “It Was a One-Eyed, One-Horned, Flying Purple People Eater,” over and over, and once in a while the spoken “TEQUILA” shows the end of the song but it just starts all over again.

    Makes me wanna shit my pants, it does.

    Reply
  23. Tonyne says:

    I love this post. I have the same problem but instead of Supertramp, it’s Steely Dan’s “Dirty Work” and it’s the original lyrics because I’m just not that creative when I meditate apparently, but I’m not really meditating I’m singing “I’m a fool to do your dirty work oh yeah…” over and over in my head. Then I start to think “Steely Dan…what other songs did they do? I don’t really remember and Jethro Tull, what was their song? What kind of a name is Jethro Tull anyway? Kind of like Toto, were they named after the Wizard of Oz? I could use a Wizard right now and some red shoes. Red shoes would be awesome for christmas. “Red Shoes, the angels wanna wear my red shoes, RED SHOES” god I love Elvis Costello. What the hell am I supposed to be doing again? Oh yeah right, meditating.”

    Reply