You know how something stupid can stick with you for years? Nothing big, just a phrase or the memory of a picture, commercial, or something?
One of mine has to do with a quesadilla maker instruction booklet.
We got the quesadilla maker as a Christmas gift from a relative who we have since gone “no contact” but we still have it in a box somewhere. The quesadilla maker, not the relative. It probably has a thin layer of grease on it and there is definitely petrified shredded cheese in the grooves. That might be true for both the quesadilla maker and the relative.
Anyway, I remember the first page of the instruction manual. The booklet said “Get to know your new quesadilla maker!”
Get to know a quesadilla maker? First of all, wouldn’t it be awkward to do that in front of the other appliances? Because up until then I had mostly been aloof to them.
I’m not sure how the whole “getting to know you” process would even work with a quesadilla maker.
Hola! Can I call you Queso? Or do you prefer your full name? Okay, I hope this isn’t too upsetting for you, but I don’t want to set any unrealistic expectations about you becoming a functioning member of our family. Honestly, the only appliances that 
get any real play here are the coffee maker and the toaster. Even the blender is like a third cousin twice removed. The hand mixer is an idiot and I only use it once a year to make mashed potatoes at Thanksgiving.
Anyway, I think we can safely say that you will be used more than twice, but probably less than a dozen times, before you are shoved in the back of a closet. At that point, your only chance of attention is if you manage to dislodge yourself from your space and fall on to the bare foot of someone rummaging through the closet looking for the 9″ cake pan.
I hate to be hard on the quesadilla maker, but I think it’s cruel to get it’s hopes up.
If I got to know my quesadilla maker, wouldn’t it be rude to ignore the other appliances?
At this point, it would just be embarrassing to make a thing out of it, but I don’t want to be a dick.
Hi, rice steamer! You know what I find funny about you? How you’re Teflon coated and should be completely non-stick, yet you somehow manage to keep that white ring that looks like baked on baby powder. Sorry that you go mostly unused. I’m sure it’s not fun living inside the broken 7 quart crock pot. I just want you to know, and I mean this sincerely, until I got you I never once successfully cooked rice. Go rice steamer! You rock!
Hey, coffee maker. I love you. Seriously. You are my world. Please never leave me. I can’t imagine my life without you in. I won’t imagine my life without you in it. I see us growing old together and it is glorious. I don’t know how to say it enough. Je t’aime. Te quiero. Ich liebe dich. Ti Amo.
So, toaster. I really appreciate all you do, but you really don’t seem to be very consistent in your toasting method. Seriously, how can you pop out a bagel that is either still doughy or burnt to a crisp when no one has touched your settings? I’m not trying to hurt you and I do so much appreciate what you do. I’m just saying. Try a little harder. Also, it would be remiss of me to not mention that you produce one of the best smells. Toast. Mmmmmm toast.
I tried talking to the microwave and the can opener, but they aren’t speaking to me. I think they’re pissed off at me for being too hard on the toaster.
Once my microwave called me “chicken”. It may have been cycling through defrosting directions at the time, but it’s been difficult to maintain a relationship since.
Once the trust is gone…
Hilarious response to this piece!
Right? I love it!
I’m going to tell my coffee pot how much I love and appreciate it. Because I do. Sighs happily.
I know. They’re awesome.
And I’d be remiss not to mention my frother which I use every morning after traveling in Europe. Besides the latte making me feel like I’m on vacation, I’m reminded that, as an old lady, I want to be able to get up when I fall down. Or so my kids would say.
oooohhhh…a frother. That sounds so fancy. 🙂
I snorted out loud and spit out perfectly good coffee. DAMN! I actually did talk to my toaster recently (then upped my meds). He is being replaced with a toaster oven shortly if he doesn’t get it together. He keeps not letting us fully engage the lever thingy like he is tired of toasting or something. To my knowledge, he is my only appliance currently not talking to me.
They can be vindictive little assholes, no doubt. Be careful, he might try to burn you. Or electrocute you.
I’m a huge fan of my crock pot and my immersion blender, although I don’t pay as much attention to either of them as I’d like. I haven’t owned an electric can opener in years. Am I obligated to show some love to my hand-operated one, even though I’m the one who does all the work in the relationship?
I don’t think so. There has to be give and take in every relationship.
I bought an immersion blender last month, and it’s safe to say, we have a great relationship. It rocks, and I have literally told it that.
Here’s to a long and happy relationship with your immersion blender. May you never take each other for granted.
Bwahahahaha. I will be laughing about this for days. Thank you!
YAY!! You’re welcome!
I’m going real basic and working on maintaining a civil relationship with my knives. “So let’s cut the food today, not me – what do you say?” The Microplane felt ignored and let me know when I tried to clean it. I’m still healing…
I have a terrible relationship with my knives. they hate me.
My Ninja is my favorite cause it’s all blendy and shit, but it doesn’t want me to get to know it. It get embarrassed if I even pretend I see it.
You have to respect it’s boundaries. I guess.
Great, now I’ll have to start apologizing to my appliances too. Thanks for raising their expectations.
Just don’t let them read this post. You should be good.
My microwave tells me to enjoy my meal which always makes me feel like an asshole. Yes, I probably will enjoy whatever I heated up but I resent being given orders. From a person I can accept that “Enjoy your meal” really means “I hope you enjoy your meal” but from a machine it feels like a command, especially when it writes in all caps.
I feel like it’s just a short step from there to “I don’t think you should be eating that, Dave”.
And it doesn’t help that any conversation with appliances gets this song going in my head:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=25ZVa_fvs9Y
Gah! I am blocked from youtube so I have to wait to get home to see this. And it does sound like your microwave is too big for it’s britches.
Absolutely hysterical!!! I’m cheating on my panini press with my waffle iron. Who knew he could do double duty and squish together a golden grilled cheese sandwich? But I do remember to use “I” messages with Panini when we go to our counseling sessions. Thanks for this morning hilarity!
HAHAHAH! OMG you crack me up. Priceless!
We used to go through coffee makers every six months. I don’t know what we did — other than consume a lot of coffee — but we were hard on coffee makers. They probably hated the day that I could come into Walmart to by another. It was like THE LOTTERY. Whose number was up. Carried away by me never to be seen again. I finally splurged and bought a BUNN. It cost about $100 but it’s lasted almost three years and shows no signs of slowing down. I figure that was cheaper than buying a $25 Mr. Coffee every six months.
I use a Bunn. In my opinion, it’s the only coffee maker. I’ve tried others, but I come back. And they do last a long time. I mean, unless the rack of pots and pans falls off the wall and smushes it. Which is why I have the one I have now. I’ve it at least 5 years, though.
My window unit heat pump.
Had it a year before I knew what it was.
I will be buried with it.
Best Summer fixer…. *sigh* and THEN, come Winter? Best ‘warm you up cuz you got no fireplace’ substitute ever!
*strokes Fred’s grill lovingly*
But, seriously? I have regular conversations with my appliances.
Usually begging them to just ‘give it one more go for Mama.’
Hahah..I’ve had that conversation with cars before. Lots of times.
Toasters are fuckers. Doesn’t matter which one you get they always fuck up. I wonder if the super expensive ones last forever? You know the ones, Bugatti type toasters that look dead sexy as you insert your bread inside them. I cant help but think if you can pay £200 plus for a toaster you have way to much money but it would be wonderful to have a toaster that didn’t fuck up after 6 months…i mean jeez, I’ve probably spent hundreds over the years. I’ve been done over! I need an expensive toaster!! x
Me too. I really do. But it is kind of low on the priority list right now. sigh.
Owners manuals can be hilarious. Like one to a Japanese motorcycle from the sixties that read “Beware the grease-mud for there lurks the skid demon.”
I’m not above telling an appliance what I think of it, good or bad. It makes cooking more interesting. We got a brand-new rice cooker when we moved into the foundry, where we had no kitchen. I put the poor thing out of its misery when we moved out, but in a very respectful fashion. It had been responsible for keeping both of us fed (and within our food budget) for eighteen months. I believe I was near the top of the curve for what could be done in a rice cooker. Still wasn’t sorry to see it go.
Jenny Lawson is coming to Cincinnati this weekend, are you going to see her?
I JUST learned about that! And no, we are not because we are headed to the mountains for the weekend tomorrow. I would love to see Jenny again, but I need some Mountain Girl time.
Hilarious! It’s like having a lot of children — the trick is make each one of them think that he/she is your favorite.
Exactly!
We regularly talk to and name appliances around here, especially if they aren’t quite up to their assigned task. Benjamin, the printer, would get in a snit if you called him Benny. After I told him his mother was a toaster oven, he never worked again. Suzanne, the toaster, is a dream, but mostly comes out of the cupboard in the fall, which everyone knows is toast season. But it happily lives in the cupboard with two other important appliances, the blender and Wallecia, the waffle iron.
The coffee comes from a grinder and a french press which live proudly on the counter and get used at least twice daily. Henri is proud of his status, and has never let me down.
Hahah! I love it!
Your post is so funny Michelle. I find myself talking to my appliances when they aren’t behaving the way I’d like them too!
Haha..yeah, me too. There is usually cursing involved.
“The hand mixer is an idiot.” HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA.
🙂 I liked that, too. And it’s true.
Thanks, I needed the giggle. The most I ever say to my appliances is, “Please, don’t quit NOW. I need you!” Which is what I used to say to my old tired vehicles, too.
I am only just commenting on this because my fucked up mail placed you in my “Junk” folder! WTF??? Obviously, if it considers you “junk”, my email service’s taste is all in its mouth! (I love the backsplash tiles in that picture! Is that yours?)
We must have the same toaster. Honest to God, that thing never toasts evenly and I have to push it down more than once to effectively toast bread. I have it set on “Toast”, not “Bagel”, and yet one side stays pale and the other burns to a dark hue. I like my toast pretty dark and crispy, so I have to stand watch over it and have come to know how much smoke equals “done just right”, compared to “crispy critter”. See a little smoke rising? Pop that sucker up!!! HAHA!!! I don’t want to break up with it because we’re comfortable together. I know all its quirks and wily ways and it’s such a pain in the ass getting acquainted with a whole NEW toaster. Of course, the coffee maker and I are also in this for life! I hope the toaster never gives me an ultimatum between him and the coffee maker, because you know which one would have to go! While you ARE great, toaster, I’ve never had major withdrawal symptoms from not eating toast, (although it could happen, I’m sure)! 🙂
Enjoy Mountain Girl and the Bass Player and give them a big “HELLO!!!” from me, please!
Oh god no…that’s not my kitchen. I wish. haha.
I cant WAIT to get there. I need it bad.
Haha 🙂 “See a little smoke rising?”
I cooked by fire alarm for a LOT of years 🙂
Only half of the oven worked, so you had to turn your pizza halfway, then switch to broil to get the top all melty.
I could SO cook over an open flame with less singeing and scraping…
Toasters are the Moody Bitch of appliances for sure.
Can I still say, ‘moody bitch?’
I mean, I AM one…. sometimes.
🙂
I have a drawer full of unread instruction manuals ranging from mowers to computer parts. I file them by most recent purchase. I think it’s trending that manuals come on DVD. I know most can be downloaded as .pdfs. That’s a handy format.
I need a bug free backup system. Any ideas would be great. Asking for bug free software is like asking for the winning lotto numbers though if you have those it’d be great too.
I’ll go relax waiting for my reply. 😀
Hahaha…relax some for me, too.
The odds of me “getting to know” my appliances are slim to none as I rarely step into a kitchen. But I do know about talking to – and getting to know – other inanimate objects. Such as the printer…she can be SUCH a bitch sometimes.
This was hysterical, thank you.
Haha. You’re doing it right. AVOID the kitchen. Brilliant. And thank you so much! 🙂
My washing machine tells me Life is Good, then it spews sludge on my clothes. Only my clothes. No one else’s. Passive aggressive asshole. I buy the damn detergent!
The dryer keeps its thoughts to itself. But somehow, I trust the washer more.
Dryers are pretty sketchy.
Well didn’t I just bring home a new kettle yesterday. It’s a cheap little plastic thing & I’m sure our days are numbered, but I refuse to dump a pile of cash on something that does exactly what any old saucepan on a stovetop can do. And I don’t care to get to know it. JUST BOIL THE FKN WATER ASSHOLE! Hhrmmph! (I do love my quesadilla maker…hate to clean it. Never got to know it. Never will. JUST MELT THE FKN CHEESE ASSHOLE!)
I see a theme here. It sounds like we treat our appliances much the same. haha.
Knives – My knives get dull and no longer cut after 3 months of use. I tried the cheapies, and the mid range. No luck.
Finally I splurged on some expensive Japanese model-chef recommended of course.
The damn thing wouldn’t cut/chop my veggies worth shit. SO – I pulled out the owner’s manual. Turns out it my technique of pulling the knife towards me instead of pushing it away. Who Knew????
I am converted..I will get to know my appliances diligently from here on out.
Omg I have no luck with knives either. I’m probably doing it wrong
Excuse my ignorance but I’ve never even heard of a quesadilla- us Brits are so behind the times, obviously. I’m guessing it’s what we call a Breville toaster? All greasy and manky, covered in burnt-on cheese that is frankly too much of a faff to clean? Although very useful to trick kids into thinking it’s something exotic you’ve created for their lunch? Ooops, did I just write that?
Anyway, regarding the toaster debate, I’ve never felt the same towards any toaster since I read about some psycho trying to fry his girlfriend as she lay in the bath by throwing the plugged-in toaster in with her. Luckily for her, the electricity shorted, so she was spared being sizzled. But I always eye my toaster with suspicion….
Hahah..it’s just a press where you melt cheese between two tortillas.
I didn’t tell my coffee maker how much it meant to me and it died. Let that be a lesson to you all…
Haha..yes! Exactly. Don’t wait until it’s too late.
My coffee maker feels the love everyday. I know this because she is always brewing on cue, without complaint. The tea kettle, however feels a little used. She whines every time.
Psst, whatever did you do to the can opener?
I probably cursed at the can opener one too many times.