Menopause Mind II: Electric Boogaloo

M

I got my mind on my menopause and my menopause on my mind.

I’m paying more attention to my rapidly cycling menopause mind thoughts and they are odd. If I blogged the most odd, then my family would have me locked up. I don’t know that my thoughts are any more random and bizarre because of menopause, but I do know they make me more emotional. I can go from zero to sob in less than a minute.

Ceramic cookware. If I had ceramic cookware I would find peace in my soul.

I don’t really like cooking. 

Is it REALLY odd to find Peter Dinklage attractive? I mean, mention that one time and people look at you funny. 

I never saw Lambada: The Forbidden Dance. Sooo…why am I thinking of it?

I feel like baking. 

I don’t really feel like baking, I just want to eat cookies. 

Ohio implemented the stand your ground law? Great. Now the whole fucking state is RUINED.

People suck. 

I love people. 

Why am I even bothering to lose weight? I’m old and old people can’t lose weight.

I don’t CARE if my ass is too big, I kind of like it. 

Wonder if I could cram 3 Twinkies in my mouth at once?

Twinkies are kind of disgusting. 

Today will be the day that I finally lose my shit at work. 

Fuck those guys, I’m not talking to anyone at work. I’m putting my headphones on an pretending I’m a bad ass.

A bad ass Eskimo.

You know, if you weren’t such a lazy, talentless bitch, you would hand make thoughtful Christmas gifts for everyone this year. 

Gift cards really are the perfect gift. You can’t go wrong with a gift card. 

Where are my clean underwear? WHY CAN I NEVER FIND CLEAN UNDERWEAR? Is there an evil underwear stealing fairy in the house? I bet that goddamn mouse I saw ran all over my clean underwear. I bet there are little mouse hairs in my panties. Fuck. Now I’m never wearing underwear again. Fucking mice ruin EVERYTHING.

I wonder if my discount therapist knows that half the time I’m just fucking with her. 

You know, if you’re not going to take therapy seriously, then you shouldn’t even go.

I really think therapy is helping. 

These thoughts were brought to you between 7:17 AM and 7:21 AM on November 21, 2013.

I hope you all have a lovely and mostly sane day.

 

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25 comments

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  • Is this really a menopausal issue or just the way you think normally? I’m pretty sure I have similar thoughts on a regular basis and I’m ALMOST positive that I’m not going through menopause…

  • Being on the way out of Menopause (Hopefully! Only been 7 years… Grrrr)

    I can relate.

    I was hot flashing last night and I dreamed I spent an entire lifetime trying to save my cat from the train car me and a bunch of strangers lived in. But luxuriously. We are no box car Willies.

    Menopause Mind at it’s finest.

  • Peter Dinklage is hot. He was even hot in Elf. Seriously seriously hot. But don’t mention that to your husband as you’re watching The Station Agent. Apparently husbands don’t like that kind of talk. Husbands may be willing to discuss whether or not an actress has fake boobs but they don’t want to hear about the attractiveness of other men.

  • I (think) I have a few years until menopause (my doc made sure to tell me that this is the last IUD I’ll need), but you’re making me a little scared. As if all the other girly shit that came before menopause wasn’t enough–now there’s this pile of crap.

    Although I totally want to be a bad ass Eskimo too.

  • Denial is my menopause coping strategy of choice. I’m hoping that my doc will just keep prescribing birth control pills until I’ve already gone through it and come out the other side so I can just skip the whole crazy deal. That’s not unrealistic, is it?

    Barring that, I’ll just have to get my oral contraceptives from one of those totally dubious online Eastern European pharmacies that spams me with offers of Viagra with no prescription needed. Nope, that’s not sketchy at all.

    On another note entirely, you have my sincere gratitude. Thanks to a new therapist, a boatload of antidepressants, and your hilarious writing, I’m finally able to laugh again for the first time in years.

      • Well then, since I’ve accomplished exactly three things today (got up, fed dog, and made someone’s day), I’m giving myself permission to go back to bed despite the fact that it’s not even noon yet. Done, done, and done.

  • Not that you weren’t already somewhat aware that I sail close to the edge of crazy anyway, after reading this it makes me wonder if I’ve always just been totally barking! I’ve had those kind of thoughts since I was about 4…so I’m not sure the world is ready for what menopause will do to my already deranged mind. Bwa ha ha

  • I, for one, absolutely adore your Menopause Mind and would gladly take up residence within it. I find Peter Dinklage attractive, I bake only when my intense desire for chocolate chip cookies becomes too intense and WTF I HAVE A MOUSE LIVING IN MY HOUSE! It’s probably like 10,000 mice but I choose to believe it is just one and he is revealing himself to me because he wants to make peace.

    • That is the only thing I bake. Chocolate chip cookies. But they are so fucking goood. I hope you don’t have 10,000 mice… (Now I’m thinking about 10,000 Maniacs..I liked that band). Hubs says if we have one mouse, then it’s probably at least 5. I choose to believe we just have the one. He’s a loner.

  • Your post really resonated on two points: I had blocked Lambada out of my mind and now keep thinking about Lou Diamond Phillips (I really hope that’s the right movie) and Bad Ass Eskimo is a great name. It just makes you stop and think — what would an Eskimo have to do to be considered bad ass? When I think about Eskimos I always picture them casually hanging out, in parkas, doing something in regards to fishing or getting ready to eat fish. Now my mind is spinning about what Eskimos do.

    *I apologize in advance to Eskimos. No racism intended, I have only ever seen videos and pictures of you sitting, in parkas, with fish. I am going to stop talking now, I’m making it worse.

    • Oh my god…I LOVE being a favorite..even if it just lasts a day or two..I’m happy. And I feel in love with Peter Dinklage in The Station Agent. And, in my opinion, he makes Game Of Thrones worth watching.

  • I don’t know anything about the mental effects of menopause, but the only way I can envision this train of thought being problematic is if you were announcing it loudly and insistently in a crowded public place. Short of that, you’re probably good.

  • Oh dear. This sounds like activity going on in my brain at any given moment. Either I’m going through early menopause (or wait, IS it early? I’m sure I read somewhere that it comes earlier if you haven’t had children. Oh shit.) or I’m mental.

    It’s funny how I put OR mental when I’ve been certified many times over.

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