Menopause And Narcissism

If you’re going to discover narcissistic personality disorder and how narcissism shaped you into the human you are today, then the best time for that discovery is just when you start menopause.

It’s awesome! Try to coordinate your first hot flash with the moment you fully understand that your narc parent was incapable of loving you. It’s like achieving total enlightenment.

Randy and I were sitting on the deck last night and had enough to drink to have the ‘You know, the earth was once completely covered in water’ conversation. We were talking about the smell of water. Ocean water…rain water…how a heavy rain smells different than a light rain and that no matter where you are, when it rains, it smells a little bit like the ocean.storm clouds

Other than the city. When it rains in the city it smells like all the buses are crying. I grew up in the city. There wasn’t much pretty to look at there. All I can come up with are my little sisters and my great aunt’s back yard.

Since I’ve learned about narcissistic personality disorder, I’ve spent a lot of time back in my childhood. It hasn’t been easy, but it’s been educational and sometimes comforting.

I feel like I’ve climbed out of a hole and am brushing myself off. I have a better understanding of what I’ve lived and what I have facing me. I understand this is going to be a lot of work.

As the narcissism discovery fog lifted, I realized that I’m really starting to deal with the changes of aging. I’m having hot flashes, not sleeping well, and have mood swings like they’re on a fucking bungie cord. The mood changes are my least favorite symptom of menopause.

Crying over every fucking thing is a close second.

I feel completely overwhelmed by this. I don’t WANT to work through being an adult child of a narcissist AND go through menopause at the same goddamn time. Who would plan that shit?

It makes me feel tired in my bones just thinking about it.

On the other hand, when have I NOT dealt with life? I have been strong. I’ve dealt with multiple divorces. I have dealt with my adult child’s heroin addiction. I survived my childhood and became a functional adult.

Maybe the whole narcissism thing will serve to distract me from menopause.


Okay, that probably isn’t going to happen.

It doesn’t matter either way. I don’t think I can put off menopause because it’s inconvenient. The narcissism thing is out of the box and grown WAY bigger than the box it came in. I couldn’t put it back if I wanted to.

I’m sure I will have plenty of days where I wallow. I still have no choice but to move forward.

I’m also sure I have some amazing days in front of me.

Add your comments below. Profanity is encouraged, but not required. ;)
  1. Tonyne says:

    Yes, you have lots of amazing days in front of you. I mean come on, you’ve only known me for a couple years…imagine what happens when I finally show up on your porch for a bourbon.

    I remember when my Mom went through menopause (she was kind of young I think, so, I’m excited that’s usually hereditary…) we were in a Wal-Mart and all of a sudden she just looked like the hulk, but red instead of green and dashed out of the store. I just stood there holding my Clear Pepsi (remember those?) yelling after her “Mom, seriously, I need this Lisa Frank notebook for school…”

    Menopause is convenient for none…but if anyone is going to kick it’s ass into submission it’s you.

    • RageMichelle says:

      I DO remember clear pepsis…they were weird.

      I will kick it in the ass. I’m a little more on the ‘getting my ass kicked’ side of things, but I’ll work it out.

      And I will have a shot glass and a bottle of Knob Creek waiting for your arrival. 🙂

  2. First I have to say, this? “When it rains in the city it smells like all the buses are crying.” ?? OMG…brilliant and evocative!

    Ah yes…menopause. Reminds me of the post I wrote a couple of years ago where I talked about feeling like a bloated tick with a Linda Blair rotating Exorcist head. It does get better if you don’t fight it.

    • RageMichelle says:

      Hahah..thank you. Alcohol might have helped contribute to that line.

      Maybe I need to look at it that way. I’ve been fighting it kicking and screaming so far.

  3. Jackie says:

    “When it rains in the city it smells like all the buses are crying.”… yah, I thought that line was particularly brilliant too.

    how do you pull these awesome analogies out of your head? I love them.


  4. stef says:

    Wait. Being an adult child of a narcissist is a Thing now? Ahh…crap. That would explain a lot, but I don’t think I’ll delve into it. Maybe when he’s gone (as in, dead, which will probably be *never*, since people who abuse their bodies all their lives in everypossibleway never seem to die), I will write about it. But no, probably not…

    And here I thought it was just Adult Children of Divorced Womanizing Alcholics Who Burn Down Houses, Waste Your Inheritance and Abandon Families that I needed to deal with, but there’s always room for one more adjective.

    And menopause. Yeah, that crying-over-everything stuff is shaping up to be awesome!

    Maybe this explains why I don’t do much self-examination.

  5. Lori says:

    I too am going to have to note the perfection of this line “When it rains in the city it smells like all the buses are crying.” I could smell that smell and see the grey of the city sodden in the rain. Nicely done. As for menopause concurrent with a significant realization of self awareness and growth…YIKES

  6. Diane Marie says:

    Michelle ~ OMG it’s no surprise I’m not alone in loving the buses crying line! It’s fabulous and yes, I can only repeat “evocative” because that’s the word that came to my mind as I remembered riding the buses as a child! I want to tell you that I read and relate to all of your blogs although I don’t always write. I’m in the throes of reexamining my life/childhood which I think is a byproduct of menopause … which I’m in the throes of too. Considering I’ve lost my son, my mom, my dad and my little brother, three marriages and two homes but raised a beautiful young lady in a span of 18 years; this moment, right now, is the most internally chaotic moment in my life. My counselor keeps telling me to “not take too much on” … I adore my counselor, he gets me but… as you say “hahafuckingHA! Tell me HOW!! LOL! Please, tell me how … now I will go pour a glass of wine. Thank you for your insight, your humor and your sharing 🙂

    • RageMichelle says:

      Make it a big glass!

      Thank you for your kind words. I really don’t know HOW we get through this shit…what we do is we just keep plowing ahead.

      I hadn’t really thought of the self-examination as an actual BYPRODUCT of menopause, but that does kind of make sense. Because it’s not crazy enough to be in a hormonal vortex, let’s really stir shit up by rattling the ghosts, right?

      Like I said..make it a big glass.

  7. Oh, if only we could put off menopause until just the right time Ugh. It’s the mood swings that I find particularly delightful, too—as does my whole family.
    I think you’ve got a lot of great days ahead of you. Your strength shines through your words. Yes, lots of great days. 🙂

    • RageMichelle says:

      Thank you so much…I don’t always feel strong..and I’d like to not be so fucking weepy over everything. But there are some good things to aging..really good things. I like the freedom that comes with it. I feel it getting bigger every day

  8. Carla says:

    You are right, the rain does smell different when it’s a hard rain versus a light rain. I’ve never thought that before but it’s so true.

    My mom never really had a real menopause. I’m hoping to skip it as well.

    • RageMichelle says:

      I’m still at the beginning…I’m not sure how severe this will be. My mom had a hysterectomy at age 40 so she was kind of thrown into it. I am the oldest of my sisters, so I don’t have anyone to compare to. I guess I’m the test monkey.

  9. Brenda W says:

    I am peri-menopausal which means I am only homicidal and ready to slit my wrists in stages. I agree that menopause seems to be the time when everything you have tried so hard to squeeze down in to a tight little ball of rage and denial comes bursting out like a jack in the box, spewing all the crap you have tried so hard to deny, ignore and not face for the last 50 years or so every-fucking-where. It’s like an episode of “Hoarders” but with emotions. Shit everywhere and where do you even start to clean it up. I am so glad we have each other to share with, laugh with and try to figure some of this crap out with. It makes of it seem a lot less crazy. So, thank you! 🙂 xo

    • RageMichelle says:

      HAHAHAH…Hoarders! That’s perfect!!

      And it really IS nice to not feel like we’re doing this by ourselves. It feels good to bounce the crazy off of other people.

  10. Me says:

    Oh how I hear you loud and clear ! I spent about 9-10 months of going through menopause before finding the start of a solution – a fantastic hormone doctor. She is an absolute angel who reminds me of the Maxine cartoon character !!!!
    Since seeing her my life is finally starting to resemble something close to normal – the mood swings, the crying, the itches, the hot flushes, the night sweats, the bloating, the anxiety, the depression, the bad sleeping – I could go on but I won’t either bore you or scare the cr*p out of you !!!!
    Honestly – the best thing you can do is find a great hormone dr who deals with menopause – GP’s have absolutely no idea !
    Hope you find something to help soon !!!
    Love, hugs and positive energy !

  11. The Hook says:

    You’re my hero, my friend.
    You’re facing atrial that would break me, and you’re facing it with courage and gusto.
    Good luck.

  12. Another vote for “buses are crying”. Love that.

  13. Also loving the crying buses line. I think you should work that into a book title somehow. 😉

    Was just thinking today about how very effed up my family was. Is? Gah. That shit can stay in the box.

    Hang in there. You have readers sending good thoughts your way…

  14. Paul says:

    Hi Love your words…
    Menopause And Narcissism is a very nice match.
    Im a sole mate (or I thought I was) to a Perimenopause lady
    who rightly or wrongly says I have a
    Narcissistic personality disorder,
    My first thought was Im going crazy..
    as I have only ever loved & supported her
    & we have shared our goals together…
    All of a sudden……
    The narcissism thing is out of the box
    and grown WAY bigger than the box it came in.
    ( I/she/We ) couldn’t put it back if ( I/she/We ) wanted to.
    I think I might have to take refuse in that empty box
    Come out when the dust has settled
    (even though this may/will take time)
    to (whoever/whatever)is left standing in front of my shelter.

    • dorothy says:

      What on earth does a bus thats crying smell like.? What does a crying car or crying bicycle smell like. What a croc. They are pieces of metal and have no tear ducts, no emotion.