I’ve been writing about menopause for a while now.
My second blog post on this blog was about hot flashes.
I think I owe menopausal women an apology and must confess, I am a wuss. I wasn’t getting hot flashes. I was getting warm flashes. You know how I know I was getting warm flashes? Because now I’m getting goddamn hot flashes.
Just at night. You know, the time when we’re supposed to be sleeping and restoring ourselves? I already have insomnia. Now, I have insomnia mixed with sweating, freezing, and burning alive.
Night sweats don’t mean just that I’m hot. I have also been sweating while freezing or just freezing. Of course, I’ve also been hot. Remember Jack Nicholson in the hedge maze at the end of The Shining? I had fantasies about cuddling with him. Only I’d probably reanimate him. Stephen King should jump on this goddamn story line.
Last night when I was sweating while freezing, I came up with an invention. A mobile for menopausal women. We’ll call it a Pik-O-Blanket.
The Pik-O-Blanket (From now on, referred to as POB because typing hyphens annoys me), will be like one of those motorized tie racks that swivel the ties around on a rack. Like the dry cleaners. Only the POB will have blankets raging from fuzzy bags filled with molten lava to silky thin hypothermia inducing blankets. Deluxe models can have built in music and a pill dispenser.
Anyway, the POB will be suspended from the ceiling. We’ll be able to pick the blanket that best accommodates our body temperature at any given time during the night. I am finding that I would probably go through at least 3 dozen different blankets a night.
Also, it would be cool if when we’re extra toasty, we could hit a switch and the POB would turn into a gigantic fan made out of blankets. I’m probably going to have to wait to get mine. I need a bedroom with ceilings about 7 feet taller and 4 times bigger than the one I have now.
Anyway, here’s where I need a shower. Not a shower with water and soap. A shower where people bring me presents.
I think my old lady smell has come in.
We should get showers when that happens. Sure, a shower with soap and water seems like it would make sense. The shower would temporarily get rid of the old lady smell, but no one brings me presents when I take a shower. Which really, is kind of bullshit.
This night sweat/freezing shit is a recent phenomena. It’s been happening about a week. When I got up this morning, the comforter was bunched up around my face and I woke up thinking “Fucking hell, that smells like the popcorn they sell at Target’s snack bar.”
Obviously, that is what my old lady smell is. Target snack bar popcorn.
I mean, I guess it could be worse. It could be olive loaf and cat food.
I think it sucks that all my showers are behind me. We deserve a shower when we get our old lady smell.
The following gifts are appropriate for a crone shower:
- Dark chocolate
- Bourbon
- A remote that overrides all the other remotes
- Hatchets
- Soft touch mirrors. Think Olan Mills soft touch photos.
- Socks that are warm, but also have little air conditioning units built in to cool off your feet when they get hot.
- Target gift certificates. But not to the snack bar.
I have to say, I really am apprehensive about my near future. What if I’m still being a wussy? I have had women tell me that their night sweats are/were so bad that they would soak through their clothes. I’m not sweating that bad. It’s uncomfortable, sure, but I’m not swimming in sweat or anything.
Is this shit going to get worse? Because damn.
Also, is it tacky to throw a shower for yourself?
Chocolate, bourbon and soft touch mirrors works for me. I think I hatchet would probably land me in jail.
I’m only in the early stages of this and am truly thrilled at the prospect of it getting worse.
Cold sweats during the day, hot sweats at night and waking up damp are already a joy beyond words.
Whoo hoo I can hardly wait, do we get medals for surviving this?
We should…or at least a gold watch or something.
*pats seat beside her*
‘Mere, Luv, I hear tell it gets way worse.
But, you’re not being a wuss, can’t be a wuss with nothing to compare to, ‘eh? I’m a wuss, according to my mother…(yeah, perfect time and place to ‘Listen to Your Mother’ :)) but, that’s OK, too, cuz she’s a wuss according to her mother and my mother is the toughest bitch I know, so, I think a certain amount of ‘wussiness dread’ is appropriate.
I also think you’re brilliant…fucking brilliant.
‘Menopausal Wuss Be-Gone’ Shower.
Or, ‘Bring On the Crone, Blessed Mother’ Shower …with tissue and gym sweat towels.
Giving yourself a Crone Shower should be expected, but maybe not an above ground publicized affair.
Y’know…
Clothing should be somewhat optional, not for the free expression of nudists, but for the sheer efficiency of re-stabilizing our core.
I think Target should start a ‘Gift Registry’ for the Crone Shower …
And my invitations will be printed with invisible ink that you have to drip sweat from your brow on to make the ink appear before the paper melts in your sweaty palm.
Really, a selective process for the true crone ‘call to arms’ in support of a fellow wuss.
Old lady smell be damned. (But odoriferous (spellcheck says that is too a word!) Target popcorn is a helluva description :))
I thought it was ‘singed Avon lotion’… but it all has that underlying cedar chest/mothball cloy.
Shudder.
Here, hold my hand…now I’m scared.
It will be okay…we’ll help each other through. Thank you for this. I love the invisible ink activated by sweat. HAHAHAHAH
*sniffle snuff blow*
Thanks 🙂
*puts arm back in long sleeve wrap around coat*
🙂
I am not a wuss either. I will admit to being a little terrified because recently perimenopause has been kicking my ass all over town.
Dude..I feel for you..it’s not a picnic. I’m hoping that maybe I’m coming down with a cold or something. I can hang with that. LAST night, I had a new one…my lower half was freezing..my upper half was on fire. Apparently, my body has temperature zones now.
My sisters have it worse than me, with the sweats, But then I am taking natural supplements, as the suicidal thoughts were worse than the sweats for me…
The shower sounds like a good idea.. we should be celebrating “the Change”
Yeah, suicidal thoughts..that is scary. I haven’t had anything like that, but my anxiety is through the roof. I cry all the goddamn time. It’s annoying.
You are not alone! If you notice the worst weeks are when you normally had your monthly cycle. Track it and you will see. For me at least it gives me a heads up and I enjoy the days and times when I’m not overwhelmed with hormones and crying. The only thing that has helped me is medical marijuana. It keeps my hotflashes under control (no more on the hour hotflashes, just a few warm ones every now and then) And it really helps with the depression :0)
That is not a legal option here yet…but I think it might be next year. I hope so at least.
The POB sounds terrific but it requires thought in the middle of the night. Can you design an app that just changes the blanket depending on our body temperature? A single blanket, connected to wifi that keeps us at a comfortable temperature, soaks up the extra popcorn smell and air dries itself in the morning. Patent pending.
BRILLIANT!!!!!
YES YES YES !!!!!
Crone Shower! Hahahahaha!
Hahah…yeah, I like the idea
I heard once that in Holland they have a second lot of wedding gifts after 10(?) years of being married – to replace the first ones that will have worn out. I think that tradition would stretch to crone parties and we could give ourselves those moisture wicking clothes and gel top pillows and other things menopausal. Don’t forget my invitation!
I think I’m on to something…
A shower at 50 to replace the parts I’ve worn out? I LOVE it! I have a few “parts” I’d like to trade in for newer models.
It’s just a practical idea!
There is a joyous end to putting towels down in the middle of the night and changing dripping tee shirts. And it’s glorious. Dryness awaits! But then you sneeze and sadly, moisture once again becomes a theme. Sigh. I would add panty liners to that list. Or extra bourbon.
Oh man…I’m going to just choose to believe I won’t eventually sweat that much. holy hell…
and yes, panty liners sounds like a good addition. It could be like the diaper raffle at baby showers. Bring in a box of panty liners and one lucky person will win a prize! Probably a dish towel or something.
Damn! I forgot about the old lady smell!! To this day I remember the way my grandma’s house smelled. This has given me something to think about and I most definitely LOVE the crone shower idea.
It should be a thing
I get the “warm flushes” throughout the day, especially when it’s warm outside (so pretty much year ’round in South Florida) or I’m under a lot of stress or anxiety. My armpit odor has morphed over the years to where it now smells like red onions or an Italian sub sandwich, which is pretty embarrassing when you shower every single day AND wash your armpits in the morning (just in case) and then, STILL get a whiff of yourself when you lift or move your arms. You wonder if other people can also smell it and just resolve that you will keep your arms tight to your sides as long as is humanly possible. I can’t wear antiperspirant, because I break out in a rash from the aluminum, so when I wear deodorant, it smells like a flowery Italian sub sandwich! I’m still undecided on whether or not that’s better than just regular Italian sub.
I do hope you throw a shower for yourself and invite all of us! I’ll be bringing you the Lizzie Borden Deluxe Package Hatchet Set, which includes a bonus Ov’ Glove—handy for keeping your finger prints off the hatchet during those “special moments”. :::wink, wink::: The card will read, “Stay Dry and Stay Sane”, which is all we can truly hope for at this time in our lives, right? 😀
I CAN’T WAIT FOR MY PRESENT!!!!!
Have you tried the crystal stick ? It’s a type of crystal that you put water on and rub under your arms and while there is no flowery smell, somehow it negates the body odour that I used to have. It’s the only thing I use now.
I would be happy to post you some if you wanted to send me your address – my email address is bodyandfeetretreat dot gmail dot com.
Yes – dry and sane are what I aim for every day !!!!
Now I’m freaking out…do I smell like an old lady?? I work with the elderly, so I should know! Maybe I’m immune to it. I recently began letting my dog sleep on my bed, partly because she’s got arthritis and I want her to be warm and comfortable. Partly cuz her size reduces my thrashing about space, holding her paw sometimes calms me, and I’m bumped to second-smelliest in the bed. There are nights she chooses the drafty floor. When I was a little kid I’d kick off my covers, wake up cold, pull them up, repeat. It’s true about the life cycle: It’s a fucking CYCLE! And last week my gyno said his patients who complain of difficult periods have no idea how terrible menopause is. I wanted to scream “AMEN! NOW GIVE ME SOME FUCKING MEDICATION!” but I didn’t cuz he’s taken me off HRT temporarily to determine if I’m actually in mentalpause (was having a monthly bleed akin to hemorrhaging-as long as we’re talking about soaking thru clothes and sheets) or if there’s a bigger problem (oh yay). So the sweats and sleep problems returned. And because our “free” medical care here means long, long waits for tests, etc, it’ll be months before any of this is figured out. Joy. All I want from your gift list is the hatchet because it’s important to stay active even if you’re not exactly well. (How about a line of clothing for us? There’s maternity clothes, nursing bras – just combine: big loose shirts you can easily tear open…avert your eyes if you must, wimps!)
I had that same issue with bleeding. So I burned my uterus out. One of the best things I’ve ever done.
aw man, that sounds brutal…no wonder whenever I encounter a d-bag jerk I secretly hope he’s reincarnated as female with terrible “woman-issues” tee hee!
Evil AND genius!!!
The night sweats aren’t hurting your creativity, I love the POB idea! I made a business from waking up in a puddle so POB is not that far fetched. My Wicking sleepwear makes a perfect Christmas present, just saying, http://www.haralee.com.
Yes I think throwing yourself a shower is a good idea. You could text local friends to gather and PM online friends who you know are all awake like you at 3AM!
Ohhhh…thanks for the link! I will be checking that out! And I am often up at 3:00AM
omg this is hysterical. I wrote a poem about menopause titled http://aheartonthematter.com/2014/06/03/hurricane-hella-scorcha/ I met a woman while at work that insisted in the olden days some women threw themselves off bridges because they just couldn’t deal. I think I have been pretty lucky in as far as the mood swings go, but I would like to know when the freaking hot goes away. The internet mocks us with it’s 5 year menopausal time frame. I wasn’t having full on hot flashes till about 5 years ago, but I feel like I have been abnormally warm/hot for going 2 decades. The shit better end soon! LOL I shared. Your blog makes me laugh and we all need more laughter. 🙂
Thank you for the link!!
And I’m moody…but I’m not “throw myself from a bridge” moody. Thank the stars. Thank you so much for sharing!!!!
My night sweats are the worst in the summer. I need fans plus AC. Plus, and this is the strangest part, a blanket. That’s for when I get cooled off from all this frigid air. Then I get hot again. Then I get cold. You know the drill. Its an endless cycle. How fun to be female.
it is insane for me right now. I’m wondering if I’m coming down with something. I mean, something other than menopause.
OK, the awesome thing about this is that everybody who makes it to menopause gets one. I never got married so I actually had to collect all of my kitchen stuff myself. Imagine! 😀
You make a really good point! And yeah..you missed out on the showers..but really…it’s not like the shit changes your life or anything. Although, I still want a crone party. With presents.
Bah… I’ve been having night sweats for the majority of my adult life… finally figured out that if I get rid of the blanket and sleep only under 4 sheets I don’t sweat any more… it’s enough to keep you warm but not enough to trap in all your personal heat to overheat you. Try that. Winter time I DO have to turn the heat in the room up a little more than I would if I slept with a blanket, to prevent being too chilly (like 68f), but it was the damned blankets and comforters making me sweaty. (Summer I only sleep under one sheet, no blankets).
I usually just use a single sheet year round because I’m always too warm..but I’ve been getting really cold as well.
Love the idea of POB although I do think that Kristine had a better idea – talk to Garmin about adding an app that will work with the vivofit that I currently use to count my steps and track my weight !!!!!
The good old hot flushes – at one point I was changing sheets every day and going through about 8-10 singlets – I would just have a pile next to my bed – wake up wet, take it off, throw it towards the doorway, pick up another one, lie down and, in this instance, I repeated – often – every night.
I thank my lucky starts for finding my hormone angel dr who has helped heaps – until three months ago when she failed to tell me that, because she was changing my medication, the method of taking it changed as well. So for three months I have wasted my money and felt like crap because my hormone levels have been as close to 0 as they can be without actually being 0 !!! Now wonder life has felt so bad !! But, I’m hoping that now that I’m taking them correctly, things will pick up. Hell they better pick up, I’m trying to help organise a short notice wedding from a million, gazillion miles away while attempting to lose 30kgs in 5 weeks and my husband is working away from home Monday – Friday.
Thanks for making me laugh and for, once again, reminding me that I am not alone in this journey !!!
Have the BEST evening xox
Hahaha…so you know..you don’t have much going on AT ALL!
You got this! It’s going to be an awesome wedding. Even if you do freeze.
I’ve been going through this shit about 3 months now and at first it started just like you said. Usually around my neck and my head at night. I bought me one of those memory foam pillows with the cooling gel and it does work really well. Now though I will just all of a sudden become soaked with sweat. I mean like my soaked my shirt and I’ve never been one to sweat. It sucks. I think the, “I hate everyone within my eyesight I going to kill you in your sleep” feelings are starting now. I’ve been feeling some kind of way.
I’m going to have to get one of those stay cool pillows.
A shower is a fabulous idea–maybe 2 or 3!! Count me in especially with lots of chocolate. I went through 7 years of the night sweats. I had 3 sets of sheets on the bed, with towels in between each layer, and would just roll one back so in the morning I had a wet glob of bedding in the middle of the bed. Also had a change of tees and shorts next to the bed. My hair would be so soaked that sometimes I would have to take a shower in the middle of night. I would sweat than freeze. Sleep deprivation sucks–I walked in a fog looking like something the devil puked up. I bought one of those giant gel ice packs and would lay that over myself til sweating stopped then turn on the electric blanket. Lucky I didn’t zap myself with all the wet bedding. I am thankfully down to just an occasional night of dancing with the devil. Menopause is not for wimps–wonder how men would handle it? Seems to me since women have to deal with menses and the pain of bearing children; men should take on menopause!!
Something the devil puked up. HAHAHAH
It does get worse. When I was going through “the change”, I had a waterbed (it was the 80s, for heaven’s sake!) The water bed was heated. I would get so hot in the night that I was soaked through. Up to wipe off, change pajamas, put a towel over the damp sheets and back to bed. Over and over again. Water under me, water on me, water over me. It was like trying to sleep in a sauna. See? There’s always something to look forward to! Enjoy.
Oh hell. I better strap in.
I love the smell of Target Popcorn…just told my sisters that yesterday when we were Christmas shopping! So I may move in next door to you…that’s a pretty good old lady smell…most of the time it reminds me of sweaty gym socks and musty shower curtains.
You’re gonna’ hate me for the next thing I say. I haven’t slept for about 7 years. Until a few months ago when I went on the Fast Metabolism Diet for 28 days. I was so damn tired of doctors telling me the weight gain, the crankiness and the insomnia were just ‘grin and bear it’ time that I tried to go clean…just for a month. I sleep every night like a teenager for at least 8 straight hours. Just sayin’. Not that I’m cured from menopause bullshit, but at least I’m nicer about it. Let me know when the shower is, I’ll wear a lot of perfume and bring you a nice present!
I am going to have to look into this. I have GOT to sleep. holy hell. And I love presents. 🙂
Any excuse for a party. And really this is something that should be celebrated, not because it’s fun but because a party will help take the edge off the misery. And we should take any excuse for a party. I’m extra sympathetic because I think I’m one of the few Y-chromosomes who’s dealt with both hot flashes and night sweats–yeah, Kristine’s app sounds brilliant. I’ve also spent mornings wandering around the house trying to locate the source of the most horrendous smell–it smelled like a skunk had tried to treat a skin infection by smearing it with rotting clams–only to realize it was me.
Sorry, I kind of got sidetracked by the memory of that smell. What I’m getting at is both in my own experience and from what women I’ve known have told me is it may get worse but eventually it will get better. Even the smell of popcorn may eventually go away.
In the meantime break out the bourbon and chocolate. And if no one will throw a shower for you then THEY’RE the tacky ones.
HAHAHAH..YEAH! THEY are the tacky ones. I’m going to start every conversation I have with everyone I know with “Where’s my goddamn party?”
Oh man. I have great fear of the menopause years. Good luck muddling through!
I’m not afraid as much as annoyed. Horribly horribly annoyed. Just today…I have been roasting and sweating at my desk..as I type this, I have a sweater on and I’m shivering. It’s bullshit.
Lol! Love the shower idea and soft touch mirrors!!
My eyes are actually taking care of the ‘soft touch’ for me. haha.
Hey – do you know how to get hold of Terri-Lee and ask her if she would like me to bring a crystal deodorant over and I will post it to her while we are in Chicago ?
I will send her an email. Can I send her your email to put you two in touch?
I was laughing so hard, I was crying and terrified that I was going to wake up my husband. The thing is, he sleeps in another bedroom!
HAHAHAH…AWESOME!!!!!
Reading this, I felt better, as we do when we know others are sharing in our misery; I got out of bed this morning and the first thing I said was “I need a shower”. Then I kept reading the comments and I felt worse..years?! Years? What the f**K? I can’t swim in sweat while, yes, freezing and not sleeping since 2:00 am for years! If I believed in a god, you bet your ass he’d be a man..a woman wouldn’t do this shit to us.
Right? it’s a freaking nightmare. I have started a pattern. Around 4:30 am I catch on fire..finally drift off and then wake up freezing my ass off. It’s so frustrating.
It really, really is..it almost makes me feel claustrophobic–trapped in my own body and not able to control it..ugh. Luckily, so far, it’s not that way every night..but I do get at least one full body sweat a night..joy.
It’s going to pass. Just keep telling yourself that. Personally, I am tired of waking up freezing my ass off because I stripped everything off around 4 am. Every night, it’s the same time. I catch on fire at 4 am
Crone shower?! Love it! Should be a thing, in my opinion.
It does get better but first you have to suffer through the blast furnace. I used to leave for work in 15 degree weather with my coat opened because I was roasting. I would have predictable flashes: right when I was about to fall asleep, after a meal, and when I had to pee. I still get the after meal and “I gotta pee” flash but it’s just a warmth. The sudden anxiety that would precede them still rears it’s ugly head but when the warmth comes, the anxiety thankfully disappears. All in all, it does get better.
I still don’t know if mine are going to get worse than they are. They seem better now, so maybe I’m mostly done? I mean, I have my moments, but not nearly as bad as they were. I have no idea what trigger mine. Although when I get stressed, they are worse.
I have the perfect shower gift: Bedjet. It blows hot or cool air between the sheets with the push of a button. Lifesaver. That and cracking the window in the winter.
Tell Randy to bundle up!
OMFG I NEED THIS!!!!!