Menoposal

M

Nope. I did not misspell menopausal. I meant to do that.

I read about something today that made me squint a little and turn my head the way Gertie does when I vacuum the hardwood. Only I didn’t hiss. She usually hisses.

Promposals.

Promposal? The fuck is a promposal? 

So, I did an extensive internet search. As long as we agree that “extensive” means “searched Twitter for 30 seconds”.

It appears a promposal is just asking someone to prom in an elaborate way. Like those flash mob marriage proposals. Or at least that is what it looked like during my research.

I’m still bemused by the trend, at least in the Midwest, where prom attendees must show up to their prom venue in an impressive vehicle. When I was in high school, any way you could get to prom that didn’t include getting dropped off by parents was cool. And if your parents did drop you off? Well, shit was what it was.

If we’re embracing promposals, gender reveal showers and marriage proposals which can take up a city block, we should welcome our sisters into cronehood with a menoposal.

I mean, let’s not get all crazy here. We’re not hiring a choreographer and a mariachi band or anything.

A menoposal is an invitation.

No need to RSVP because if you don’t show up, well, then RIP.

To my sisters sliding down the hill into cronehood:

Stop fighting it, for fuck’s sake. You are getting older.

There is nothing wrong with that. I promise. 

I’m in no way suggesting you not take care of yourself. You absolutely must.

It’s sobering to have to consider if perhaps replacing ground beef with ground turkey or chicken is in order.

It is sobering to have to alter your work out because neither of your shoulders have been happy with you for years.

But we still have to take care of ourselves. Sometimes, really stupid and annoying changes must take place. 

The point is, no matter how much of healthy lifestyle you live, you are still getting older. Embrace it. Railing against it is just wasting your time and in case you haven’t noticed, tick tock. 

Don’t freak out too bad if you wake up in the middle of the night and your sheets are damp. And perhaps have a sort of metal smell to them. You just sweated a whole bunch. It’s okay. If you are lucky, it won’t happen all the time. If you’re not? I hope you have a lot of spare sheets. 

You will find yourself more willing to speak your mind. Go with that. Just roll with it. It is all good. Well, mostly. Be kind. Always be kind. 

Except for bigots. I see no reason to be kind to a bigot. But be careful. Again. We’re not young anymore. We can get away with speaking our mind, but we also can’t run as fast as we used to. 

Remember when I said “tick tock” a minute ago? That applies to a lot of things. Whatever it is you wanted to say/write/build/learn/destroy/visit/taste/experience you better get moving. Seriously. 

If you haven’t yet made it a practice to be kind to yourself, start doing that. 

Keep learning. Keep your mind open.

Do you know what life will be when we’re in our golden years? Different than we expected.

We can bitch about it or we can adapt.

I don’t know about you, but bitching over too many things is exhausting. I’d rather adapt. 

We are the elders now.

We can help our younger sisters or we can shake our heads in disapproval.

I’m going to suggest you take the side of the helpers.

Just because we’re not young anymore, doesn’t mean we can’t affect change. We have voices that still matter, even if our skin is crepe-y and our hair is gray.

Never let anyone tell you that your voice doesn’t count anymore. 

Welcome to cronehood, where the temperature changes by the minute and sleep is sporadic. 

Personally, I love it. 

So there, there is a menoposal for all my sisters approaching menopause.

One more note: I wrote about being interviewed by New York Magazine. The article was published in the April 1 edition. I believe the interview is in the print version as well.

 

Photo courtesy of CongerDesign.

 

 

 

 

 

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28 comments

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  • I just bought all the women in Book Group (The Drinking Club with a Book Problem) a tiny little fan that hooks into your cell phone to help with hot flashes. It absolutely helps to have most of them at various points along this journey to cronehood with me. Camaraderie is a gift.

  • The best thing for me was: no more periods! Wahoo! I came into menopause abruptly, probably as the result of domestic trauma, so it was a mixed blessing, but still. Oddly enough, eventually I had no more armpit hair, so I no longer have to shave that.

    • Ohhh…no pit hair. Nice. I had my uterine lining burned out a number of years ago, so I stopped having periods before menopause. It’s been a nice 10 years.

  • From what I’ve seen it’s mostly guys who put the effort into promposals. Whenever I see one I hope, as I also do with elaborate marriage proposals, that it’s a welcome gesture and that they guys put at least as much effort into treating their date with respect as they put into the proposal.
    Anyway what I’m getting at here is that I think it would be cool if we guys did more to celebrate menopause–assuming the women in our lives want to celebrate it; if they don’t we should shut up and get the fuck out of the way. We should say, “Congratulations on reaching this milestone, I will help and support you through it, I will listen to you and respect your needs, but mostly I’ll just get the fuck out of the way.”
    And congratulations on the New York Magazine article!

  • This is great. Sharing it on Facebook, for all of my similarly aged friends. I put out extra jammies for the night sweats, just in case (leave them on the magazine rack in the bathroom so I don’t have to go fishing in a drawer at 3 am). No more periods seriously rocks. Had to adjust my workout last week because I forgot I was 54 the week before and did two classes in a row (weights and spin). Was all proud of myself, until my knee and shoulder crapped out the next day. Yes. Work out. DON’T STOP. But modify AS NEEDED. And it will be NEEDED!

  • Once again you nailed it. I dont read many blogs, but yours is one i dont like to miss. I sure wish i could write like you. You rock Michelle.

  • I’m not quite ready for my menoposal, but can it be just as big and ridiculous as a promposal? Because those weren’t a thing when I was in high school either, and I absolutely would have mocked the shit out of them if they had; if I do it now, it feels like I’m just “too old to understand.”

    (For the record, I have received several actual proposals, none of which were as over-the-top as a promposal. It’s possible I’ve been living my life all wrong.)

  • I never went to prom myself, but a friend of mine went way overboard with his invitation and scared the girl away.
    This was in the late seventies, so they didn’t have a cute name for it at the time, but even so, the girl could recognize a crazy/obsessive potential pain in the ass when she saw one.
    Congratulations on the magazine article, it was good.
    Getting older can be inconvenient sometimes, but so far I feel it beats the shit out of the alternative.
    And let me state for the record that as a male, I have it easy in the whole aging scenario.

  • Actually I kinda like the idea of a mariachi band, at least for the onset…why the hell not?

    And thanks for the beautiful words reminding us of what we still can be and do and give! We finally learned SOMETHING, so why not use it to help. We gotta stop hurting each other, start helping , and stop watching the damn reality TV shows that portray us only at our worst. Cronehood-love it! I think this may be my favorite piece ever. Sending you and the rest of the crones much love!

  • “Crone is the new sexy” works for me. And your article was the best one in the series, IMO. Congrats on that!
    I’m seriously grateful for all those years of Depo-Provera. I truly believe it allowed me to skip right from being potentially fruitful to having shriveled old prunes for ovaries, without all the nonsense the rest of you are going through. YES, I’m physically aging, and my body isn’t as cooperative as it used to be. But if I have hot flashes or night sweats, they are mild in comparison. So yay for cronehood! W00t W00t!

  • I freaking LOVE this! I don’t know why more people don’t openly talk about menopause. It absolutely affects everyone. And it’s not horrible! I realized last winter that I was hitting this specific mile marker, and I’m thrilled. End of an era, yes. Bring on the change!

By Michelle

Michelle

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