Men’s Clubs: I am not judging

Okay, I am out of touch. It is really cool to reach an age where you can just excuse all sorts of ignorance with “I’m old and out of touch”.

That only works because it is absolutely true.

By the way, I do not include malignant ignorance or ignorance that includes maligning or minimizing anyone. 

Anyway, I learned something not long ago about my hometown of Cincinnati. I learned that there is a men’s club here called Cincy Jacks.

I have since learned there are similar clubs all over the place, but like I said “old and out of touch”. 

Cincy Jacks is a club for people with a penis and they gather there to masturbate. As a group.

I am not judging this. Whatever grown consenting people want to do together is not my business. Whatever flips their flopper, you know?

I’m just having a hard time considering what a similar club would look like for people without a penis.

I know I am making a big assumption here, so please have some patience, but a few variations aside, I assume most men masturbate in a similar fashion.

For all that is holy, I know that is a generalization. I talked about this very thing on Twitter and when I suggested that men mostly masturbate in the same way, I was told in no uncertain terms how insensitive and wrong I am. And I should possibly be stoned to death. And not in a good way.

It would be a different club for women.

“So, hey. Do you have a Maytag washer, circa 1989 to 1992 that is slightly off balance during the spin cycle?”Clothes washing machine (AI generated image)

“I’m going to need a GI Joe with a kung fu grip and a rubber mallet.”

“You don’t happen to have a video of Chipper Smith at prom in 1981 dancing to The Greeks Don’t Want No Freaks by the Eagles do you?”

I’m just saying, I don’t think there is a magical place where we could all get what we needed. Also, I don’t know many women who would want to make that a group sport anyway.

I mean, even if they had a hot, sexy bank of Maytags, I don’t think I’d participate.

I haven’t worked up enough nerve to even join a book club.


10 Thoughts.

  1. Is it more than a strip club? I presume people go there for the same reason, and it’s not for the overpriced drinks. These places (like Cincy Jacks) manage to keep a low profile so that the media doesn’t look for politicians and clergy there. (Just dodged a lightening bolt!). But like anything else – if it doesn’t concern me and it’s not directly hurting anyone else, I have no opinion, either required or requested (out loud). Not sure it’s age related – just not something you were actively looking for.

  2. There was, an may still be, a strip club in Cincinnati called The Brass Ass. That has nothing to do with masturbation–I’d guess guys are only allowed to beat the bishop in the private rooms but I really don’t know. That just came to mind because a brass ass sounds uncomfortable in so many ways. Not that I’m judging.
    I’m also not judging guys who want to get together and burp the bald man. It’s not something I’ve studied but maybe for guys there are as many ways to punch the clown as there are terms for it, and if some like to get together for jerkin’ the gherkin or pumping the python as a group I’m not going to criticize them for hangin’ with Ms. Palmer and her five daughters. Personally I don’t want to wax the carrot as a team sport but flogging the dolphin has a lot of advantages so I’m all for these guys spanking the monkey together.

  3. Men’s clubs have been around pretty much since the beginning of time and yeah some people would disagree but what do I care, I don’t. Anyway I have no problem with such clubs just expect me to go to one and since I have no penis that’s not going to happen.

  4. My friend Jack used to say “The ritual strangulation of poultry, it is the way of my people.” But he also noted that he completely refrained from masturbation while he was in prison… So I would imagine he wouldn’t want to attend Cincy Jacks or any other such establishment.
    OK, I’m gonna try and post a link here, to Taylor Tomlinson’s bit about masturbation and religion, as it is topical and hilarious, but sometimes your blog won’t let me post links under my current screen name, so if I used the old one, it’s because this didn’t work the first time:

  5. The image of a bunch of men masturbating together is somewhat disturbing to me. LOL It so seems like something everyone would want to do alone. Like you, not judging just strange to me, but hey if it makes them happy. 🙂

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