Merry Holidays!

Merry Holidays!

If there really was a war on Christmas, I think the bullets should be made of gum drops and jelly beans and marshmallows.

The chemical weapon would be eggnog because nothing says “my enemy will be soundly defeated” like nutmeg flavored phlegm. The battles should be thumb wars or perhaps a game of “Go Fish”.

For heated battles, we could have pillow fights.

Then, we all come together and watch Will Ferrell movies until everyone calms the fuck down. And I’m not even a huge fan of Will Ferrell movies. Although I really love Stranger Than Fiction. 

Wish me a Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays or Happy any holiday and I will smile and graciously accept your desire that I am content and happy and send you along with similar sentiments.

How about if when someone wishes us joy and contentment, we accept those well wishes with grace and kindness and stop making up wars that don’t exist?

I hope unicorns visit and fill your stockings with cotton candy and winning lottery tickets. I hope that you have dancing sugar plums and fairy godmothers and hot chocolate. But not in a terrifying way. Because really, that would be weird. I’m not even sure what a sugar plum is, much less a dancing one.

I will leave you with a selection of Randy’s goat memes as my gift to you.

Someone on Twitter recently told Randy that he would have to eventually explain the meaning of the goat memes. I told her she was overthinking it. It’s just a goat.

But it’s a funny goat. Also, my husband is a weirdo.

Peace and love and light to you all.

Here are few more on Randy’s Twitter timeline. He didn’t want to load the article up with too many images which would slow down the site.

Not Rudolph

Not quite enough care

The real miracle on 34th Street

Holiday scalawag

Happy Ho Ho Holiday

Goats who abuse steroids

Like every other day

If you answered yes, here’s what to expect

Better not pout, better not cry

Doesn’t say Merry Christmas

Recommends FedEx

Has higher standards than you


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  • Best Christmas Letter, Ever.
    The fact that it is a blog post makes it even more ‘en vogue’ and stylish!
    Thank you for sharing Randy’s Conspiracy Goat present with us – you two are the best gift giving duo in existence and Conspiracy Goat makes me happy and that’s the best gift in any situation and I love it… er, him 🙂
    Merry Fucking Christmas, my Friend, Merry Fucking Christmas <3
    Never overthink goat pictures is pretty good advice, too. Just sayin' 😉

  • You and Randy always make a crumby day enlightening at the very least. Are goats a new obsession with Randy, or is there something you want to confess to us?

    Wishing all of you safety and health and whatever reason you have a few days off work!

  • My friend John once said that having standards diminishes opportunities, but he met a girl who cured him of that notion.
    The goats of Christmas past is fucking hilarious.
    I used to know a woman who raised pygmy goats, and she had this little “barn” for them that was no bigger than one of those back yard storage sheds you used to be able to buy from Sears. I don’t remember whether she ever put Santa hats on any of them, but that does sound just like something she would do.
    Things are pretty quiet on this here hillside, as Zsuzs and Bekka and Squeeker the cat have all gone to Oakland to get Rob to make Zsuzs’ truck work again.
    I have an elaborate two course Christmas dinner planned that includes fresh broccoli, Pasta-roni, and cream of chicken soup, followed later by New England clam chowder with salmon and green onions in it.
    I hope you are enjoying the holiday, we are pretty damn content ourselves.
    I looked up sugar plums and they are apparently some form of candy that doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with plums, while Sugar Plum Fairies is a Norwegian folk and pop band formed in 2000.

  • My new favorite expression is now “nutmeg flavored phlegm”.
    And everyone really should calm the fuck down, especially today. Nashville is kind of on high alert right now but goat memes are helping. Really.
    Also a sugar plum is basically a sugar coated prune which sounds pretty good. It’s a tasty way to stay regular.

  • One of my all time favorite facebook videos is of baby goats playing. Something very special about goats. Anyway, I wholeheartedly agree with you about being gracious. We have social media to blame for that, and those little shit stirrer meme makers, not the funny ones of course. I hear people parrot stuff they saw on social media that they didn’t bother to fact check. I remember the first time I ever saw a post about it being rude to refuse to say Merry Christmas, and how suddenly those of us who want to be inclusive (because Christmas isn’t the only holiday this time of year) are suddenly the enemy of faithful christians everywhere. I remember thinking how ridiculous the whole thing was, and how it made me dislike religion even more than I already had, but that was the point of posts all along… to sow discord. 🙁 I wish people could see that for what it is. I hope you and yours are having the best holiday possible. 🙂

By Michelle


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