#MeToo Sugar Panties

I haven’t really written about the #MeToo movement.

At least, I don’t think I have, not specifically at least. I could check but that’s boring and I don’t want to.

So, we’ll just assume I haven’t.

Not that it matters.

Anyway, I had this slightly annoying, but not horribly upsetting interaction on Twitter.

Some actress posted a video of herself and a friend pretending to sob at “Trail of Tears” sign. I don’t know who she is, I only know her from this particular piece of work.

I really try to keep the outrage down as much as I can because we’re all outraged all the time and outrage gets so goddamn exhausting. This, however, outraged me.

The disregard and callousness in which she mocked genocide was outrageous to me.

So, I posted something about it on Twitter which sparked the annoying, but not super upsetting exchange.

I would give you the actual exchange, but the dude deleted his tweets and blocked me. So, his side is coming from memory so it won’t be perfect, but it’s pretty fucking close.

Anyway, we will call this person “douche twizzle”.

Douche Twizzle: Lighten up, sugar panties.

Me: Lighten up because I think it’s abhorrent to mock actual genocide? For reals?

Douche Twizzle: Do you spend each minute of every day waiting to be offended?

Me: Nope. I do not. Do you spend each minute of every day looking for people to berate because you feel like they are spending too much time being offended?

Douche Twizzle: Pretty much.

Me: Carry on, then. I would ask that you not call strangers sugar panties. It is dismissive and it makes you look like an ass.

Douche Twizzle: I always come up with nicknames for people. It’s all in good fun. Sweet pants. Oops, there I go again.

Me: That isn’t how nicknames work. You can’t give a nickname until you know someone. You have no idea who I am. Calling me sugar panties wasn’t you being friendly. It was you being dismissive. It was you attempting to establish dominance and make me feel small.

Douche Twizzle: I don’t know why you’re getting all upset. I see people saying a lot worse than sugar panties. That isn’t the worst thing I’ve ever said.

Me: Are you really asking me to be okay with something because it’s not the WORST thing? My bar is a lot higher than that.

Me: I do appreciate you not going more on the attack. You are right, usually when men behave the way you’re behaving, it is much worse.

Then, he blocked me and deleted his tweets.

So, I would like to think that he saw the error of his ways, felt bad about his dickish behavior and that’s why he deleted his tweets. Then, he blocked me because he was ashamed. But I think it’s probably more likely that he didn’t want his incel buddies to see him congratulated, by the enemy, for only being kind of an asshole.

I’m finding it more and more difficult to let bullshit like this go.

  • I’m tired of feeling helpless.
  • I’m tired of feeling anger that has nowhere to go.
  • I’m tired of feeling guilty that I didn’t stand up more for myself and other women when I was young.
  • I am sorry the burden lies so heavy on the shoulders of my younger sisters.
  • I’m tired of taking the high road and not making waves. I’m tired because I followed those rules and it didn’t fucking help.
  • I’m fucking tired as shit of watching men behave badly toward women.

I know I’m going to get things wrong. I will be accused of being over-sensitive. I know that I am looking backwards at a problem and that my way of processing information isn’t the same as it was 30 years ago. But I’m tired of shutting up and I’m not going to.

It’s time to call these motherfuckers out. Fuck them.

I’m not saying that I want to go on a hunt for men behaving badly just so I can speak sternly to them.  Not that there’s anything wrong with that, that just isn’t my plan. I’m saying that I’m not shutting up when men say dismissive, aggressive, inappropriate shit, I’m calling it out.

Do I think talking sternly to people either online or IRL will change them and make the world better? Nope. I kind of think it won’t make a difference.

But do you know what I know doesn’t make a difference? Shutting up and taking it. That fixes nothing.

So, maybe I will not make a difference by speaking out.

Perhaps I will find myself in uncomfortable confrontations, which is one of my least favorite things ever.

Fear of confrontation is what most of my social anxiety revolves around. That’s okay, too.

I’m getting older and if I don’t speak out now, I’m going to run out of time.

I believe the following two things need to happen for women to affect change when it comes to being mistreated by men.

First, we have got to stop going after each other. For all that is fucking holy, we have to unitybuild each other up. We have to help each other.

This is a request for my sisters: if you find yourself shit talking about another woman for her weight, her age, or her leggings, please just stop. Just keep that thought in your head and don’t release it. We have to stick together. I am not excluding myself. I am not perfect. I promise to do better.

Secondly, we have to start objecting more when we are dismissed or treated in a hostile manner. I’m not suggesting that anyone put themselves in harm’s way, I’m just saying when you can, very clearly demand to not be mistreated. And if we are unified, we will be heard. I promise you. We will.

That second point? Everyone can help with that one.

Speak up if you hear a woman being denigrated, whether she hears it or not. When my baby boy was in high school, he had a issue with some guys referring to some of his school mates as bitches. He called them out for it and they mocked him. Fortunately, Joey has a strong sense of self and didn’t give two shits about their mockery. I love that kid. He’s home, by the way. He did not get eaten by a cougar or a bear and he didn’t get lost in the forest. 

I don’t think that twitter exchange qualifies as a #MeToo moment, it’s just that when we accept this behavior, I believe it makes it easier for the predators to take that next step.

We deserve respect. We deserve to feel safe. We should be able to speak our opinions without fear of repercussion. That is not to say that others shouldn’t disagree with us, but it would be nice if we weren’t trivialized or threatened with rape or fire over our opinions.

“Speak your mind even if your voice shakes.”  -Maggie Kuhn

#MeToo

 

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Add your comments below. Profanity is encouraged, but not required. ;)
  1. Lisa K says:

    Yes.
    The best meme was last week…
    “Starting a girl gang of women aggressively supporting other women so hands up if you want in because if we get enough people, we’re totally getting jackets.”
    You probably wrote it…
    <3

    Reply
  2. Marcia says:

    Yes. Thank you. You are making the world a better place.

    Reply
  3. Liv says:

    See? Douchenozzle is the perfect nickname for him and you didn’t pick it until after you knew him well enough.

    Reply
    • Michelle says:

      Right!! Because that is how they work! Also, I didn’t want to put his twitter name in the post because even though he was an ass, I don’t do that to people.

      Reply
  4. Kate says:

    Brava, sister! The only ld “you’re overreacting/overly sensitive” crap they pull on us is gaslighting.
    Not until women reach an age/state of confidence can they dismiss that and call it what it is: sexism.
    Those who participate are the saddest, most insecure men on the planet.
    Go on with your bad self and continue to call it out. You have an army behind you. An army of middle-aged women who have wised up and aren’t going to take it anymore!

    Reply
  5. Paula says:

    Ah the anonymity of social media. Betcha that guy wouldn’t say those things to a woman’s face, ever! However, there are those who still make remarks not quit as revolting but still demeaning. I am 5’3″ so men, for the most part tower over me. Calling me hon, sweetie and dear have never been my favorite. Calling me “the little lady” was always very condescending. In my other life when I was working retail, the salesmen would come in, put their arm around me and I knew I was getting a load of BS. The guys I work around now are probably my son’s age or younger. They are kind and respectful. Their mama’s raised them right. I am not in the position to have the kind of exchanges you had but when I feel my toes being threatened, I have no problem calling them out and none of us should either. The men now have been warned multiple times, they should know better.

    Reply
    • Spiked Lee says:

      “little” and “young” are my least favorite! They add “lady” because they think that tricks us, but it just pisses me off more. Those terms both intend to degrade, weaken, and shame the target. I sometimes even prefer the b word, because that shows their fear and my strength.
      Michelle, you are so nice to call Limp Licorice Dick by a pseudonym, but we all know his real name.

      Reply
    • Michelle says:

      Oh they so much should. I love how men make it easy to watch out for. Now that women are speaking up and speaking out, I’m hearing some men say “Well, we can’t even talk to women anymore” they’re the ones to watch out for. If they don’t know what the difference between treating women with respect is and isn’t, I’m guessing treating women with respect is not their priority.

      Reply
  6. Twitter is a cesspool. I try to picture what some of the people on there must be like in their daily lives, and I assume they look like the rest of us until they start anonymously venting.

    But then again, I’m thinking about the most famous tweeter in the world right now and maybe they don’t look normal after all.

    Caring about the dignity of people is not really a reason to ridicule them in my book, but that’s just me. I hope I have the courage to call people out when I see something wrong happening. It’s easier to stare at my feet and keep going, but…

    Reply
    • Michelle says:

      I have stared at my feet so many times. I probably will again. But not every time. I’m going to the best I can and then try to be kind to myself. I hope you do the same. 🙂

      Reply
  7. Emily says:

    Your son is AWESOME.

    Reply
  8. Melinda says:

    Many thumbs up.

    Reply
  9. Haralee says:

    IRL or not you hope by calling out it may sink in, we can hope. Good for you!

    Reply
  10. Connie says:

    I hate that kind of crap beyond words. In fact for a while now I’ve been thinking about when men tell women/girls “you should smile”. I heard that a few times in my life and for some reason that electrifies me. “Maybe because for many years throughout my life I didn’t have any reason to smile. Ever think of that motherfucker”? is what I wish I would have said. I am glad that person left off with you because many don’t. Some of those people on Twitter are plain nuts. Good for you!!

    Reply
  11. Douche Twizzle sounds an awful lot like a “exchange” I had a while back with Noncy TwatWaffle. God, what an a-hole he was! I swear, what is wrong with these deflated nutsacks who have nothing better to do than troll social media!

    Yeah, we seriously need to start a movement and jackets are a MUST!!

    Reply
  12. Diane says:

    Well said.
    We cannot ignore the issues surrounding the mysogeny in society.

    I fully recognize that Canada and even the USA has women’s rights better than most countries. It isn’t about the laws though. It is about attitude. It is impossible to legislate against prejudice.

    Glad your son escaped the cougar. Ok that comes out entirely wrong when we are talking about women. Lol.

    Reply
  13. Onlyme says:

    Well said. Thank you.

    Reply
  14. laue says:

    “if you find yourself shit talking about another woman for her weight, her age, or her leggings, please just stop. Just keep that thought in your head and don’t release it.”

    Consider it done. I have been guilty about the leggings. you know what? I am not confident enough to wear pants as leggings, but my deep insecurities about my body are no reason for YOU to not wear leggings. I’m sorry, other women. forgive me.

    Reply
  15. Dara Hickman says:

    “A little respect goes a long way”. “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything”. These sayings have been around forever and, unfortunately, more humans need to be reminded of them.

    Reply
  16. Doug in Oakland says:

    Note to males: Women are human beings. Get over it already.
    Note to women: How you manage to put up with our bullshit and still get on with your days is mystifying to me, but thank you and I’ll try to do better.

    Reply
  17. Shani says:

    I’m proud of you! It is important to speak up…I think the lack of it has been part of the problem for too long. Sometimes it’s not easy (often it’s easier just to drop it) but I think it’s important especially given the way things are now. Staying silent and not standing up for even “just words” that are offensive gives a green light and people need to know (or at least be told) when what they say is not okay.

    Reply
  18. mydangblog says:

    I agree with Harry–Twitter is absolutely a cesspool. I was once having a discussion with someone about the changing nature of communism, and some random asshole called me a “lying mongrel”. The guy I was discussing it with said nothing in my defense–total radio silence. So I unfollowed him and blocked the asshole. Some people just suck.

    Reply
  19. When you said, “I’m not saying that I want to go on a hunt for men behaving badly just so I can speak sternly to them” I thought, holy fucksocks, part of the problem with the world is that you don’t need to hunt for men behaving badly. We’re everywhere.
    And, yes, I say “we” because even though I like to think I’m not one of those men behaving badly I also feel that in order to be part of the solution we men need to take responsibility. We need to follow Joey’s example and be willing to speak up and call each other out.
    And not get eaten by a cougar or bear. That’s pretty smart too.

    Reply