Mind Your Own Business, Clarence


Christmas is just around the corner! Again!

This is the time of year that you get to see Facebook posts waxing poetic about It’s A Wonderful Life. I am going to make a confession, I’ve never watched that movie all the way through. I know what it’s about though. George Bailey is going to jump off a bridge because of Mr. Potter and Clarence the angel stops him by showing him what life would be like if he had never been born.

I decided that I would try to raise my Christmas spirit by writing my own version. What would  Clarence show me if I were George Bailey?

I left my new job today wound up like a cheap watch. You guys, I am in over my head. I don’t know if I can bluff my way through this or not. Seriously, I’m trying to read code that was written before I was even married once

But let’s not worry about that now! It’s motherfucking Christmas!

So here’s the scene: I’m despondent because The Walking Dead isn’t coming back until February. I feel like I’m getting sick, even though I was already just sick. And I’m starting over at a new job and wondering why the fuck I thought that was a good idea. It’s all too much and I’m ready to either chew through the Christmas tree lights or drink bourbon until my tears are 80 proof.

Clarence, the nosy fucking angel who should mind his own business, shows up and shows me what life would be like if I had never been born:

Michelle, put the Knob Creek down and step away from the Christmas tree. You feel bad now, but you need to understand how your life has impacted others. 

Beth Blessing, for instance, that girl who bullied you in the fifth grade? If she hadn’t cut her teeth on you, then she never would have developed into the business woman she is today. She’s absolutely ruthless! She can fire a long term employee the day before Christmas bonuses are handed out and not lose a wink of sleep. Sure, even without you, she would have been a heartless cunt, but she wouldn’t have that Winter home in Barbados.

Remember Phyllis? The first boss you had when you got into computer programming way back in 1989. Remember how religious she was? Her faith had been wavering, but then you came along. You were starting a new career and going through your first divorce. She had a reason to believe again. Remember how she lectured you about how you were letting Jesus down by breaking your marriage vows? Your sins gave her the will to continue her righteous path. She found her grace again and was able to harangue dozens more people about their sinful ways. Had it not been for you, she would have lost her faith and wasted her life by only worrying about her own actions and leaving other people alone.

We can’t forget Maynard. That guy you worked for who continually passed your work off as his and then would bitch at you for getting to work 5 minutes late. That guy would have never been able to send his kids to private school if he hadn’t had you to make him look good.  His kids grew up to be entitled twat monsters who learned how to get through life using people, just like their old man did. They will torment cubicle dwellers throughout their careers and inspire those cubicle dwellers to vent their frustrations through blogging, which will give other cubicle dwellers something to read while they’re living out their middle years doing as little work as possible.

Maybe I’m being too hard on Clarence.

On the other hand, maybe Clarence is in league with that creepy elf.

I think I might be getting the Christmas spirit. Or a sinus infection.

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By Michelle


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