I think actual fortune cookies are canceled for a bit. But misfortune cookies? There’s an untapped market.
What I meant to do today was to clean my tub. Sweep the floors. Paint the table I’m working on and perhaps catch up on some articles I committed to write.
Instead, I drank bourbon and read an old blog post where I rewrote a bunch of fortune cookies. I don’t usually laugh at my own writing, but I laughed a few times reading the post.
So, instead of doing all the things I planned to do, I took a bunch of actual fortune cookie sayings and “enhanced” them.
It’s a pandemic. They’re all misfortune cookies now, aren’t they?
So, here you go, my tub is still kinda gross because I wrote these instead.
- A beautiful, smart and loving person will be coming into your life. Stay at least 6 feet away.
- A fresh start will put you on your way. But don’t leave your house.
- A friend asks only for your time not your money. Unless you owe them money. Or they are broke.
- A friend is a present you give yourself. Just make sure to poke holes in the box so they can breathe.
- A gambler will not only lose what he has, he will lose what he doesn’t have. However, he does know when to hold them and knows when to fold them.
- Now is the time to finish up old tasks. Or just watch Netflix. Nothing really matters.
- A small donation is called for. It’s the right thing to do. Contact me and I’ll send you my PayPal information.
- A smile is your personal welcome mat. Also, welcome mats are cancelled.
- A soft voice may be awfully persuasive. Unless the TV is turned up loud.
- All will go well with your project. Unfortunately, you are being furloughed.
- An acquaintance from the past will affect your future. Too bad they weren’t wearing a face mask.
- An inch of time is an inch of gold. An inch of mouse poop means you have a significant rodent problem.
- Be careful! You could fall for some tricks today. Cats are sneaky.
- Carve your name on your heart, not on marble. I mean, you’ll be dead. Actually, don’t ever carve up your heart.
- Curiosity kills boredom. Nothing kills curiosity. Except isolation.
- Depart not from the path which fate has you assigned. You can do it. Binge Tiger King.
- Distance yourself from the vain. And those not wearing masks.
- Each day, compel yourself to do that which you would rather not do. Like brush your teeth.
- Everywhere you go, friendly faces will greet you. Unless you are going to the grocery store. Then just get in and out as quick as you can.
- Follow the middle path. Neither extreme will make you happy. Just ask Jan Brady.
- Feeding a cow with roses does not get extra appreciation. Feeding a cat a carrot will get you scratched.
- It’s better to deal with problems before they arise. Someone should have given the stupid president this fortune cookie.
It’s not really all misfortune. I truly believe this. Everything feels scary and brutal and so goddamn sad. Life will never be the same again.
But I still believe in us. I believe what will rise from the ashes will be good and strong.
Stay safe and I love you. Also, I really want some Chinese food right now. Damn.
I had another article on the Perry blog.