My B Cup Runneth Over

I could totally get behind some good old fashioned bra burning right now.

Not because of feminism.

I mean, I am 100% feminist, but I don’t need to burn my bras as an offering to the goddess of feminism. I want to burn my bras for another reason.

They fucking suck.

Seriously, can’t we women just go ahead and collectively agree that we don’t wear bras anymore? Please? They’re uncomfortable and they don’t make a C minus cup. They’re always either just a little too snug, or just loose enough that the sisters feel they can make a break for it.

Regardless, which device of torture I chose to wrap myself in, that is the first thing I lose when I get home from work. Sometimes, I slingshot it across the living room, throw back my head, and howl in relief.

Okay, I don’t really do that. Except, the slingshot part. Sometimes, I do that. 

woman-1860012_1280What’s not to love about wearing a bra except everything? What woman doesn’t remember that first time an under wire escaped and stabbed the shit out of their boob? That shit sucks hard. You’ll be sitting at your desk, reading articles on the internet when you should be working, and you suddenly feel a pain like you are being stung by a wasp on angel dust.

What the fucking FUCK? I’ve been shot. Wait. No blood. Is…is this what a heart attack feels like? 

Then, when you go to adjust, you feel the culprit. The trick is, discreetly pulling the under wire through your shirt sleeve without anyone noticing. The other trick is to consider the role of the under wire after removing the under wire. It is important to consider this before going about the rest of your day as if nothing had changed.

I had this situation happen at my old job. I pulled that under wire out of my sleeve like goddamn David Copperfield. I did not, however, consider the role the offending wire had been playing.

Randy named my breasts many years ago. Not overly original names, but they’ve stuck. Thelma and Louise. Well, Thelma still had her under wire, so Thelma was prairie dogging over the top of her cup, all bold and ready to lead. Louise? Well, Louise was resting.

I walked around for hours noticeably lopsided. I did not discover this until going into the bathroom.

You know when you get that sinking feeling and you immediately go into denial? No. No I did NOT just sit in an hour long meeting with 8 other people looking like this. 

I went into the stall and took my shirt and bra off. Thelma’s under wire did not want to be evicted. I had to gnaw like a gerbil on the corner of my bra to make a hole so I could pull the other wire out.

I spent the last hour of work evenly distributed. My hope was, anyone who had seen me earlier would dismiss my lopsidedness as a trick of shadows or something. Either way, no one said anything, so I can pretend it didn’t happen.

I don’t know what I think they’d say. “Hey Michelle, have an ETA when you’ll get that report written? Also, you’re boobs are really uneven.”

I actually still have that bra. It’s wadded up and shoved in the back of my underwear drawer. It only comes out when I can’t find another bra anywhere. Other than a strapless. I have to be desperate to actually wear a strapless. I only own a strapless in the event I am suddenly invited to a fancy dress party. Which is something that has never happened and I also have bigger wardrobe problems than a strapless bra. My fanciest outfit involves leggings and a $30 pair of boots.

But I digress.

So, hit me. Tell me the best most awesomely fitting bra that doesn’t cost hundreds of dollars. I mean, unless we can all agree to give them up?

 

 

 

 

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Add your comments below. Profanity is encouraged, but not required. ;)
  1. My sister got hit with the big-boob stick, so she invests in Wacoal bras and swears by them. My girls barely sprouted (in high school, a girlfriend gave me a stretchy one-size-fits-all bra and I was so under-endowed that the seams puckered). So I usually just buy whatever seems to fit at TJ Maxx. I’m also happy that I work at home so I seldom feel compelled to wear a bra. Free-range boobs.

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  2. Lisa K says:

    I’d give ’em up.
    ‘Cept.
    I was promised a boob job by the fake husband.
    That didn’t happen.
    And after breastfeeding all four of my 6 ft tall sons, (well, one of ’em is only 5’9, but the other 3 hit 6′ and the youngest is 6’6″ and he’s still just 19, so…) I now rely on pre-molded ‘Boobs Stand Alone’ bras.
    Doesn’t matter what size cup I choose, the girls just settle in nicely with hardly ever a pop OVER. Lots of ‘pop-outs’ when I bend over, but they just fall back in when I stand back up.
    As a recommendation, water bras are the best!
    Instant boob job! and in the summer, put that sucker in the freezer for hours of chilly frontal goodness. They don’t slingshot across the room very well, but you can actually say things like, “Here Randy, hold my boobs.”
    So, there you go.

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  3. I can’t tell you about any great bras because I’ve yet to find them. I have sucked up the whole bra thing for decades, but now they are purely for work and church (decorum still stands in both of those places). Almost anywhere else I just let the girls enjoy their freedom – nobody seems to notice or care.

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  4. Cherie says:

    Soma, my girlfriend! Yes, I work there, but only to support my habit. Check them out online, but go to a store for a fitting. I recommend their Embracable or Stunning Support.

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  5. Terri Lee says:

    I’m totally with you—-let’s have a bonfire and burn all those bastard bras!!! I am a 34B and finding a bra with some support AND comfort has been a very difficult (and expensive) challenge. I began buying bras with “modesty petals” due to grown men acting like 15 year old high school boys if a nipple should put in an appearance through my blouse (mind you, only the outline, not the actual nipple itself! HAHA!). I still have not found a strapless bra that is comfortable and doesn’t constantly feel as if it’s going to drop down around your waist while wearing it, but I did have some success in finding a pretty decent regular bra. I bought a Warners bra simply because it was on sale and I was wearing it one day and it suddenly dawned on me that it was the most comfortable bra I’d ever worn. Not digging into me, not riding up, I wasn’t constantly twitching and writhing to “adjust” it, etc. So, I recently purchased another Warners bra and it’s also extremely well-fitting and comfortable. I admit that most of the time, I try to wear things that allow me to get away with wearing a simple camisole underneath, but there are those clothing items for which only a bra will do. So I’m sticking with Warners, although I have yet to give one of their strapless bras a try. Maybe that will be my next exciting adventure! OMG, I need a life. 😀

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  6. Haralee says:

    Bra stories, we have all been there with the wires coming out, the hooks unfastening, the straps heading south and the padding getting bumpy!
    Because of my various lumpectomies and biopsies and the girls looking sideways, I buy foam cup bras from Chantell at Nordstrom. They go on sale once a year and they are really expensive.

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  7. Mary says:

    I (mostly) quit wearing bras years ago, and no, I am not under-endowed. I have a severe latex/rubber allergy that makes me break out in a rash anywhere elastic touches me. When absolutely necessary, I wear a cotton sports bra for as little time as possible. The largest size I’ve found to date that is reasonably priced is a 3x or sometimes 4x, and they are snug. I’m a big girl on a little budget and buying expensive lingerie is just not in my life plan. Occasionally I get snide comments from friends and family, but I figure if it wasn’t my lack of bra, it would be something else that would probably hurt my feelings more, so I just go with it. As far as strangers/acquaintances go, I doubt they even notice. People rarely pay as much attention to you as you think they do.

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  8. Elizabeth Goodman says:

    Thirdlove dot com has 1/2 cup sizes, but I’ve never bought from them so I don’t know if they are any good. Some of my family members have unusual sizes. They’ve had the best experience going to a local speciality store. The fitters there are amazing and they know the brands really well. Another option is herroom dot com. That website has a bra fit questionnaire that helps you match your own personal shape to different brands. The questionnaire is a little long and weird, but works very well.

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  9. BarbaraM says:

    I had started expanding (both weight & boob) several years ago and dumped all my 34-C bras and bought 36-D. Now that my “illness” (allergy to medication) has been discovered and my removal from that drug, I find that my 36-Ds are laughing at my ladies because they don’t come near to fitting anymore (lost 15 pounds in 6 months – not on purpose). I found that ‘T-Back” bras are the most comfortable (closure in the front) because the straps stay put! I have no idea what size I am now, but have found dreamproducts.com to be very low priced, so that if you make an error in judgement, not only can you send them back, but you’ll have a better idea of what you’re going for -comfort wise. I’m back to looking for the T-Back style (I guess some call it a racing bra) – but I don’t care who makes it, I still “bounce” when I run (shades of Baywatch)!

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  10. Spiked Lee says:

    Bras suck. None of them fit, and none of them are comfortable. I used to have a sports bra that said “You are a Goddess” on the inside, and that was nice. Also, almost comfortable, and prevented bouncing.
    Not wearing a bra is awesome, except: you don’t get that feeling of sweet, sweet relief when you take the bra off. I kinda miss that part.
    Both my kids are masters at taking off the bra without even untucking their shirts, and I admire them mightily for that.

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  11. Laura says:

    Well, since I am a G cup, and have been as high as a k cup, not giving up bras any tI’m soon. I like Goddess brand. I get them on Amazon.

    There’s a sport bra my friend likes, it’s the one they wore on that hoRaible show the biggest loser.

    Bit seriously, go somewhere and actu ally get fitted by a woman who knows what she is doing. A bra store or huge department store. Call around. Buy three (expensive bras )from her. Look for more of the same elsewhwere. The only way to be comfortable and stop suffering is to get fitted.

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  12. Hate them, hate them, hate them! I only wear them for one reason and one reason only. When I was a child my parents used to buy rabbit shit ( I know weird!) for their fruit trees and they always bought it from a woman who lived on River Rd (KY side). Her boobs were where your belly button usually resides. It was creepy as hell. My mother told me it was because she had never worn a bra. That’s the only reason and when I get back home it comes off immediately sometimes before the shoes even come off!

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  13. Katnap says:

    Thanks for the laugh this morning, M! Funniest stuff is shit we can all relate to. Boob-woes must be the one true uniting factor among women world-wide (some think it must be motherhood or menstruation or equality issues, but I’m positive it’s boob-woes). Great pic, btw. Check out her choker! Probably wore that nasty collar to distract from the supreme discomfort of her ‘built by NASA” bra. Sorry I don’t have any recommendations for you. Getting a proper fitting is on my list of things I’m too lazy to attempt. I will go about my day with the image of you in a stall gnawing out an underwire HAHAHAHA! You’re fucking hilarious.

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  14. Doug in Oakland says:

    I’m so old that I remember when “bra burner” was actually a pejorative in the media for feminists…

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  15. I’m torn, because I truly hate my boobs without a bra, but with a bra, I hate my life. I’ve found a few that were wonderful and flattering and comfortable (and outrageously expensive) but only for a few weeks… they all seem to have a shelf life, don’t they? Bras are worse than bananas, though, because you can’t bake them into bread when they go off. At least if you’re holding your boobs up with bananas it’s a great conversation starter.

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  16. Sue says:

    I have to second all of the posts for Wacoal, SOMA, and Chantell and to get a fitting. I went to Nordstrom to have my fitting and I was AMAZED at what size I actually was (I didn’t know letters went that high!). Since then, I’ve been able to buy bras that fit well and I haven’t lost a wire yet. A good bra can be an investment (especially when you’re not a mass production size) but when the girls are where they’re supposed to be, it’s amazing.

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  17. Shani says:

    Ah, bras. I hate them. But one thing I’ve learned begrudgingly from my mother who is big on fashion and I know wishes I was, is that really it helps to get resized about once a year even if you haven’t lost or gained a significant amount of weight. I also like going to Victoria’s Secret because they have a collection of wireless bras.

    My basic thing though is I don’t wear them unless you can see through my shirt. And even then, if I can cover that with a jacket, I am usually more willing to wear a jacket all day. If I am forced to wear a bra, it is unhooked as soon as I am in the car. If I get pulled over I figure I’ll just take that bad boy off and let the girls fall where they may.

    Have you noticed they are bringing corsets back?! I swear I saw a commercial and basically the damn thing was a corset–get that hourglass figure every day, wear this torture device. Unless it’s time to get it on and it’s your turn to do fantasy time, OR you’re getting married because those dresses are ridiculously tight, there is no need to go back to corsets. Not for every day use. Damn backsliding.

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  18. Fiona says:

    http://www.bravissimo.com
    But best to get fitted and I don’t think they have shops where you are. I vary depending on the style and can’t go without so buy the prettiest ones I can get (I had enough of flesh coloured sensible foundation garments as a child, now it’s all lace and colour). When I got fitted I was 5 or 6 back sizes smaller than I thought and WAY bigger in the cup. I was stunned, looked like I’d lost weight, and very poor for a while after. Now I regularly put out the tired ones. Buying a complete new bra wardrobe in one go is far too expensive! And yes I will sometimes buy a new one instead of doing the washing….

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  19. I wish I could help but instead I’m reading through the comments for advice since I’m reaching that age where the best option for me just might be the manzier–although I prefer the term “bro”.

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  20. I live in Singapore where the average size is 32A and all bras are padded to the max. So its hard for me to find a decent enough bra to hold in my 34D (sometimes C depends on my weight) girls.
    Underwires are the worst, i get a rash and poke marks all down the side and front. Burn the bastards I say, let the girls hang free!

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  21. haaaa! This is too funny. You’ve hit on a great topic, Michelle and of course a great personal story to go with. Personally, I love buying bras. I try to have one in every color. I have a thing for undies and bras. So, if I had to pull the wire out I probably would have tossed that sucker. Maybe not at work tho. Underwires are not good for us, some say. Go to Victoria’s Secret as they have any and every kind of bra imaginable—many of them are actually comfortable.

    The only thing I like better than buying a new bra is taking off the one I’m wearing at the end of the day. 😀

    Also? I do have a strapless bra I’ll never wear because of the same reason as you.

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  22. Me says:

    LOL – I just bought a whole bunch of them from Autograph which ain’t gonna help you any !!!! I bought a pink and blue one, and, what I thought was one beige and one black. So the next day when I was in another Autograph store I thought – this is such a comfy bra I’m going to buy another black only to get home and find that I had already bought 3 black bras the day before. I blame it on menopause brain and I just kept quiet about how many I have – especially as I now have 4 black – Al will have no idea how many I have because I’ll just say ‘oh – it’s in the wash’ !!
    When I win Lotto – I’m having a boob reduction – it’s top of my list – as far as I’m concerned they just get in the way !!!!!

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  23. Billie says:

    Hahaha so funny and true.
    You do need one if and when you breast feed. And I mean need.
    Otherwise, let em hang low.
    Just wondering:
    Do bulls lust after cows’ udders?
    No.
    Just sayin’.
    Men perv after our tits, that’s prob. why we feel compelled to strap ’em in tight.
    ???? Just maybe.

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  24. Jenn says:

    Sister. PREACH. I highly recommend getting professionally fitted as well. I did last year and it was a dream. I don’t think I know where you are but I’m in Boston and I went to Intimacy. But then I gained 25 lbs and fucked up m boobs. So, since doing that I have tried many things and can tell you my best results. I bought one Knixwear bra and it’s very comfortable, but might take some getting used to as it’s quite different from a typical underwire bra. It’s also very full coverage so won’t work with some v neck or low cut tops. I also recently bought some underwire free bras from VS and I’m pretty happy with them. They are literally called “Wireless Bra”. For reference, I currently appear to be (since I have not gotten another fitting) a 34 DDD (F).

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  25. Liv says:

    They’re horribly bad for you. So says science.

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  26. joanne says:

    Warner’s make a ‘soft underwire’ (no wire) bra that is lightly fiber filled with a smooth cup. Very good support and are machine washable (at least for me, I do hang dry), and I’ve had mine for a couple of years. As soon as I realized how comfortable the first one was, I bought one in each color.
    This is the first bra I’ve liked since multiple breast surgeries several years ago. Talk about misshapen breasts! (The style number when I got them was #0126.)

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