My Brain Is A Dick

It is safe and accurate to say that I am a “worst case scenario” kind of person.

My brain is a dick. It can take any situation and make it cosmically horrible.

I don’t really have much defense against the situation, it’s easier to just roll with it.

Mostly, this happens when I’m sitting alone on my front porch or in the shower.

As soon as I get some peace and quiet and serenity is just within my reach, my brain goes “Oh, yeah. It’s time. You know what could happen, right?”

And then the elaborate and horrifying fantasies are woven.

Last week was difficult. I mean, not just because it’s 2020.

2020, right? What a weird, fucked up year this has been. In 50 years, any school American History text books should be titled “What the Shuddering Fuck Happened in 2020?”

It was a gut wrenching week at work. We upgraded our main server and failure was not an option. This project has been looming over my head nearly since I started this job 6 years ago.

My boss and I were talking the morning we switched over. He knows me well and asked how I was holding up.

Me: Well, I had to consider all the bad things that could happen.

Boss: Yeah, if it all fails that would be bad.

Me: HAHAHAHAHA, Amateur. That scenario is actually on the plus side.


Me: Worst case scenario is the upgrade somehow triggers an event that makes the planet crack down the middle like a nut. The two halves hurtle into nothingness and all of creation is gone.

Boss: Okay?

Me: Next is the upgrade somehow creates a new version of COVID. COVID 20. And it kills 99.5 percent of all humans and the only ones who survive are racist fucks and then they self destruct in 5 years. But at least the animals will thrive then. Which is fair.

Boss: How many of these are there?

Me: I have a list.

Boss: Maybe skip ahead a little.

Me: Okay, so the upgrade fails, it is entirely my fault. I lose my job. Randy and I lose everything and we end up living in a studio apartment above a liquor store. And we don’t have health insurance.

Boss: You know that isn’t going to happen.

Me: Really? How would I know? Am I psychic? Do you think I’m psychic?

Boss: How is that scenario in the plus column?

Me: Well, at least there is a possibility to move forward from there. I mean, if we could survived living on Ramen noodles and drinking cheap beer. You know. From the liquor store. The owner gives us a discount because he feels sorry for us.

Boss: It’s going to be fine.

And it was.

I mean, we didn’t get to have no hiccups or anything.

I’ve never been involved in a project of this kind where shit didn’t shake out.

It’s stressful and not fun, but it always works out.

So, I got that over with. Kind of. The next few weeks will probably involve some more shit shaking out, but so far, it’s not horrible. I don’t think the earth will crack in two.

I decided that if my brain was going to continue to be a dick and torture me with ridiculous, dystopian fantasies, that I would counter with something for which I am grateful.

I am infinitely grateful that I got to hear KD Lang cover Leonard Cohen’s Hallelujah.

Her voice is perfect. The song is sad, but still makes me feel comforted.

I’m sorry for all the humans who lived and died before they got to hear KD Lang sing this song.

I am grateful for this. Even my asshole brain agrees.


Image courtesy of DarkmoonArt_de.







About the author


This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

  • It was in fact, a beautiful version, but then, she’s got an amazing voice to go with that amazing song.

    My father used to call me “The Devil’s Advocate” because if there was a worst case scenario, I would find it. I still do so am rarely taken by surprise if something awful happens. I’m quite the ‘Debbie Downer” but my friends have come to take my ‘what ifs’ seriously. Sadly, I’m going through all sorts of worry about what is happening now through January 20th and beyond. It’s really the beyond part that has me worried.

    Stay well!

  • Wow! Now I want to hear the rest of the list! Glad things are going semi-smoothly. I love KD Lang, she can sing anything, barefoot of course. Stay safe and have a Happy Thanksgiving!

  • Oh my God, that was beautiful, thank you!

    I can’t even get started on the worst case scenarios. Please, just let us get to Jan 20th without the earth cracking open like a nut. Unless it swallows the orange menace, that is…

  • I’m glad your upgrade worked. Technology is kind of being a dick to me still. I got my smartphone and it didn’t work and I had to send it back and the new one they sent me isn’t much better. All of the parts I was anxious about learning on it were easy, it’s just a computer, but I need it to make calls and send texts and it is really shitty about doing those things.
    It’s kind of a drag that your brain is being a dick, but it seems a little better than some of my male friends who let their dicks function as their brains. But maybe not, who can tell?
    That version of Hallelujah might be my new favorite. My previous favorite was Pentatonix’s version. Now I’m gonna have to go back and listen to the Case Lang Veirs album. I heard a couple of tracks from it when it came out, but for some reason didn’t pay it as much attention as I normally would a Neko Case album.
    I like Neko Case.
    A whole lot.
    Last night I saw Jamel’s reaction to the Righteous Brothers. He didn’t know they were white. It was glorious, I love him, and thank you so much for turning me on to him.
    I got an email from Joe Biden this morning explaining some of his cabinet picks and it made me think that we just might make it after all, that is if the planet doesn’t crack in half like a nut. We always think about such eventualities out here in earthquake country…

  • Somehow KD Lang makes everything better. Like the time Denis Leary thought he was all alone in a hotel gym and he wandered around in nothing but a tiny towel scratching his balls and at one point he bent over and saw Lang in the mirror discreetly trying to get his attention to let him know he wasn’t alone.
    Considering the worst case scenarios isn’t necessarily a bad thing, though, and it sounds like your brain is non-dickish enough to always put a silver lining in there.

  • I have the same kind of trouble with my brain. Usually at around 3 am when I get up to pee, the horror fantasies set in. I say shut up brain…I need to sleep. My brain…WOWOWHHAHHAHAHAHAHH! Sighs…. and now you know.

  • Glad it worked out at work. Every year we go into the Christmas season at the Post Office with less and less staff and the mgmt team gets dumber and dumber I swear. Today I called in, on a Sunday, since no one could give me a straight answer about weather or not I could work, and asked if I was needed.

    “Well, every route manifest we have is a 16 hour day. So yeah… if you could…”

    Ya think? It’s the Sunday after Thanksgiving… hello? Two day shipping, helloooooo??

    Not rocket science folks.

  • I know that release stress. We do one every other week. Obviously not at that level, but still… and the company insists on doing them at 10am on a Thursday. Madness, I tell you, madness…

By Michelle


RSIH in your inbox