I am leaving today for the Erma Bombeck Writer’s Workshop. I cannot express how excited I am. I am like the bee girl in Blind Melon’s No Rain video, where she looks for her people and when she finds them, she is happy and dances.
I will be happy and dancing.
I am not prepared because my time has been spent at work or working on the house. But that’s okay. I’ll wing it. Because winging it doesn’t cause much anxiety.
Everything will be fine.
Speaking of the house, by the time we are finished, I am pretty sure our real estate agent, Brett, will think I’m a crazy person. Which, in his defense, very well may be true.
Here are a few of my email exchanges with our agent, Brett.
Me to Brett after looking at 4 houses:
Okay, so I was slightly disheartened to look at those houses..holy crap, none of them would have really worked. The one in Newport was the closest, but still.
So…I freaked out all day yesterday because obviously we are going to be homeless and this isn’t going to work.
I still want to look in the price range we spoke about, but just in case, I want to raise the limit by 15K. Not ideal because we’re looking to significantly lower our mortgage..on the other hand, we have no desire to live in a shithole.
Anyway, it was good to see you and at least we’re getting started.
Oh yeah, I forgot to give you shit about the grout cleaning. O M G…I used a manual tool, got a third of one shower done and then couldn’t use my arm for two days. I told Randy that I blame you.
Don’t worry just yet – typically the best properties hit the market and sell quickly. A lot of what we were looking at were homes that have sat for a while. Don’t get discouraged just yet!
Sorry about the issues with the grout – definitely should have recommended getting a tool! You’ll thank me later when you punch Randy with your new muscles and he really feels it!
Look forward to getting together again soon!
Me to Brett asking for guidance for piddly issues, which was just a ruse to fret over there being NO houses available:
In our fridge, the two crisper drawers at the bottom are broke ass. We never replaced them. Would it make a material difference to replace them? Or is that unnecessary?
Also WHY AREN’T THERE NEW HOUSES COMING UP???
(this is me freaking out, not me holding you responsible).
So, tell me again…new stuff will be coming up soon and I should just calm the hell down.
Hey Michelle – Can you send me a pic of your fridge drawers? It might help me understand how broke ass they are…
So new stuff will definitely be coming on in April. The selling season really doesn’t start till April/May. I’ve never had a client NOT find a house. Your criteria may change slightly but I know we will get you into a better home/location.
The fronts are gone. We just throw shit in the holes. Not actual shit. That would be dumb.
You could replace them, or just not put any food in them.
Side note: I am choosing to not put food in the drawers. We are going broke trying to sell our house. Damn.
Me, after looking at what appeared to be an awesome house in our price range:
Okay, this one is amazing. I can’t tell from this if there MIGHT be parking in the back. I kind of doubt it. Also, I guess it’s a foreclosure. How big of a pain in the ass is that to deal with? If it is, then just forget it.
Then I immediately followed it up with:
Never mind. Just noticed it’s been on zillow for over a thousand days. It’s probably trashed or something. Or haunted by Hitler maybe.
I do look forward to your emails.
So, in conclusion, I’m forgetting about buying a house for 3 whole days. My real estate agent is probably worried about Randy. And there are still no houses on the market and we will probably be homeless soon.