“I can tell you I don’t have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills, skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you.”
As it turns out, that Liam Neeson quote applies to me quite well. Well, not the last bit. I am generally not a nightmare.
I don’t have any money, at least not much. I do possess a very particular set of skills and have amassed those skills over a very long career. Unfortunately, if you work in IT, honing a very specific set of skills is not your friend. Especially when those skills revolve around an antiquated IBM server.
This does have something to do with fear.
I’m just taking the long way. I promise, I will circle back to work. Pretty sure this is what Randy is talking about when he says I make awkward transitions. That’s totally cool though, I’m awkward in a lot of ways.
Anyway, we’ve had a rough patch. This isn’t my story to tell, but someone we love has been living through a harrowing and devastating health issue. The fear Randy and I are feeling over this has been choking us. I’m not religious. I wouldn’t even consider myself spiritual. But I am starting to wonder if there isn’t something to the whole “sending up good thoughts” to the universe thing, because after nearly two months, it seems like things are turning around for the better. If you have a moment, could you send up a general good thought to the universe just for anyone who needs a good thought. It can’t hurt.
The news, every single day, scares that shit out of me.
I am terrified of what is happening in our country and the world. I am ashamed of our government and sickened by the direction we are taking. I am horrified that it has become normal for me to check Twitter every morning to see if the goddamn president tweeted anything that might get us all killed. Goddamn Twitter! How is this even real life?
Which brings me back to work and my very specific set of skills. I was charged with completing a project and which involves shit that I know nothing about. This side project comes in the middle of a major upgrade project which was already making it difficult to keep up on day to day shit. If my skills weren’t so very specific, I wouldn’t be struggling with this.
You guys, my asshole brain has decided to funnel all the different fears into this project.
I am terrified of this project. I am terrified of failing. I am terrified that I’m not smart enough to finish and I will be found out. Everyone will find out that I’m not really all that bright. I will lose my job, we will lose our house, and our cars. I might also be responsible for tripping the seventh seal of hell. Or, perhaps causing reality to wink out of existence.
I can joke, but this project really has sucked. It has sucked on a “laying awake and staring at the ceiling at 2 AM” level. It has sucked on a “take anxiety medicine every day” level. All is not lost, though. I’m at least only taking one pill a day. If I took it as prescribed, I could take it up to once every 4 hours. It’s been over 5 years since I’ve taken my anxiety medicine as prescribed. So I have that going for me.
Anyway, Randy posted this article about fear on my Twitter account. I wanted to link to it, but I can’t find it and every time I look for it, I get caught up in reading news on Twitter. Oh, Sessions got confirmed. I am yet again feeling that “not shocked at all and also want to vomit” feeling. (Here’s the article – Ed.)
What stuck with me in the article was the suggestion to name your fear.
I kind of did this already in past blog posts, where I named my anxiety. Like Mindy Thundercunt. But I name my anxiety a mean name and didn’t at all try to make friends with her. This article suggests giving your fear an actual name and treating it kindly. Reassure your newly named fear that everything will be fine.
I’m going to try this. I’m naming my fear Molly after a little girl I went to school with. I was an anxious and scared little girl. I remember Molly because I recognized the pinched look on her face. I could see me in her expressions.
I have a meeting this Friday about the project that my brain has decided might end my existence as I know it. I have to go to this meeting and I have no choice but to take Molly with me.
I’m going to try holding her hand.
Photo courtesy of Alexas Fotos