I was raised by a malignant narcissist. He thrived on narcissism and chaos.
A narc creates chaos to get a super-charged narcissistic supply.
What’s better than attention for a narcissist? Desperate, loud, frantic attention.
I saw situations play out like this over and over as a child.
My dad didn’t treat any of his children well.
I am the oldest of 3 girls. I took a lot of shit from my dad. One of his favorite tactics would be to goad me until I responded. And as soon as I responded, you could almost feel the electricity crackling in the air. Because then, he could unload on me.
When I was 10, my father baited me into an argument in the car. I don’t remember what the argument was about, I just know I gave him what he wanted. I argued back.
We were driving to Kmart and taking back roads. My father screamed at me and drove the car at a high rate of speed. My sisters and I were tossed back and forth in the back seat and I remember my mother in the front, tight lipped, and holding on as best she could. I remember her looking at me and pleading without saying a word to not speak.
I waited until we got into the parking lot and I yelled at my father. I screamed that I couldn’t wait until I was 18 so that I could leave and never see him again. He expressed a similar wish.
He created chaos because he needed chaos.
He needed all of us to know that our lives were in his hands.
I didn’t leave at 18.
I fought with my father on a daily basis in my late teens.
Every morning, I would wake up, teeth clenched and stomach in knots, and I would promise myself no matter what, I would not respond. I would not fight with my dad.
But a fight is what he wanted and he always got what he wanted.
At 19, I went to vocational school to learn data processing and rode 45 miles, one way, every morning with my dad. I would drop him off at work and then go to school. Then, I had to wait until he got off work and ride 45 miles back home with him.
Every morning, and every afternoon were filled his narcissism and chaos.
To this day, I feel that buzz in my brain. I still feel the frustration, hopelessness, and anger. Those emotions have faded, but they’ve never completely gone away.
This is what we in the United States are living in, right now.
- The tariffs with our allies, the on again off again meeting with Kim Jong Un, Melania going missing, it’s all chaos.
- Children being ripped from their families and being shot in their classrooms. All chaos.
- A Kardashian meeting with with the president about prison reform. Pardons given that are being used as messages to his criminal cohorts.
The habitual lies and gaslighting are designed to feed his narcissism through chaos.
He loves this.
There are no depths to which he won’t sink. I promise you.
Although I am never completely sure of anything, I am completely sure that our president will continue to create chaos, regardless of who is hurt.
This is a drug for him. He’s a pathetic, textbook narcissist with the power to create chaos across the globe.
Of course, he will.
And the more chaos he creates, the more he will want.
The darkest days haven’t happened yet.
There’s not a magic ball or anything, but I’ve not been too far off base in my predictions in what will happen. I know this behavior. I grew up with it. Nothing he does surprises me. It’s familiar. Just on a much grander scale. But really, the behavior is no different.
More people will die, directly due to 45 and his administration. More lives will be destroyed. I believe this is inevitable.
We will win.
Humans, I mean. I don’t mean a specific political party or a specific country. I mean humans.
I just hope it happens before I die.
I am sad because I don’t think that will happen. So much damage has been done and I shudder to think how bad it will be before he tumbles.
And he will tumble.
We have no choice but to work toward a better way of living for all people.
I’ve asked this in the past, but now I am begging: Please vote in November.
Every vote counts.
We have to end this as soon as we can. If we can flip the house, we can start working toward cleaning this mess up.
Photo courtesy of Elisa Riva.