Months have passed since I last wrote about narcissism. At least, I think it’s been months. I could check, but that would require more effort than I am willing to expend at the moment.
I took a day off work today and the weather is goddamn perfect. So far, I’ve accomplished sitting on my ass and getting the new plates for our Soul. I’m thinking about making more coffee, but again…effort.
I left the house without being entirely sure where I was going to get the plates. You guys, my phone does this awesome thing where I can say an address and then this nice lady tells me how to get there.
Shut up. I’m old. I can be impressed with this if I want to be. I’m still scarred from years of trying to read maps. I have some spatial dyslexia issues and maps are horrifying to me. My brain does not process that information well.
I tell the nice lady in my phone where I need to go and she starts directing me out of my neighborhood. I already know that part, but whatever.
Then, I realized that I had to swing by the bank because the BMV doesn’t take credit cards. I looked at my phone. Do I cancel the request? Or do I annoy the shit out of the lady in my phone by doing the exact opposite of what she was going to tell me to do?
Yep. I am still so afraid of getting ridiculed for being wrong that I felt anxiety over not following the directions that my GPS was about to spit out.
I decided to leave the GPS on and perhaps spend a few minutes pondering how much longer I wanted to continue waiting for people to get annoyed with me because I can’t follow simple instructions.
Being the adult child of a narcissist means that I spent my formative years being told how I was wrong about most things. These messages were delivered with anger or contempt or superiority. I know that most people do not enjoy being wrong, but probably can be wrong without feeling like they want to vomit. Some people deal with that by becoming defensive and combative. Others deal with fear of being wrong by staying quiet a lot.
I stayed quiet a lot.
I have been changing, though. If someone introduces a topic to me, I don’t instantly get all sweaty and panicky. If I don’t know what they are talking about, I say “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” It’s so simple!! And not painful!! It took me years to get there.
Still, when I realized I was feeling actual anxiety over defying the voice in my phone this morning, it became clear to me that I still have some work to do.
I decided that I would replace the voice in my phone and talk for her.
In 500 feet, turn left.
Goddammit. I said turn left. Do you think that was left? Because it was not.
Seriously, these are simple instructions.
Take a U-turn in 50 yards and continue in the opposite direction.
Bitch. Are you even listening to me?
I’m not telling you shit anymore. You obviously are not interested in listening. You probably can’t cook either. I bet you don’t even preheat.
Did….did you just make a complete circle? Is this funny to you?
If you wanted to go to a specific place, then why would you go the most wrong way you can go to get to that place? Are you really that stupid because damn. I almost feel sorry for you.
Almost. I am too annoyed with you right now to feel sorry for you. I kind of want to spit on you.
Okay. Okay okay okay. You are going the right way now. Don’t fuck this up. You have a total of two turns to reach your destination. You can do this.
Wait! Why are you turning here? WHY? Did I fucking say to turn here? You were NEARLY THERE!
(I had to stop for gas).
Your destination is on the right or whatever. I don’t even care. I’m going to watch Netflix now. Loser.
So, I spent the morning of one of my vacation days sitting in the BMV. I had to take a number. There were 14 ancient men who were getting their driver’s licenses renewed. Painful. Seriously painful. They all had to do eye exams and not one of them were happy about it.
Still, the weather is perfect.
I think I’ll make that coffee now and sit on my deck and think about chores that I know I’m not going to actually do today. Tomorrow I will. For sure.