National Grouch Day

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Yesterday was National Grouch Day. Did you miss it? Well, too bad if you did..maybe next year you’ll remember. What do you want? An engraved invitation?

I celebrated National Grouch Day in the following ways:

Disclaimer – please don’t try to attain this level of grouchiness if you are a beginner. You could sprain an eyeball. Please consult your doctor before beginning any new grouchiness program. You know, or don’t. I’m not your goddamn mother. 

I bitched excessively about the asshole neighbor two doors down. I realize that I don’t own the street, but he parks his big, stupid ugly pickup truck in front of my house every day. Not only does he park in front of my  house, but he parks right in the middle, so only one car can park there. This is actually not an issue for us as we have two cars that fit perfectly fine in our driveway. It’s just the goddamn principle. Rude bastard.

I got horribly annoyed by the guy in the next cube because he hates his keyboard and punishes it every day by pounding on his keys. And for fuck’s sake, when it comes time to press the enter key, he strikes it with the anger and bitterness one would expect from a deranged chimpanzee forced to eat nothing but rice cakes and watch reruns of Charles In Charge and My Two Dads. To be fair, I get annoyed by this daily, but was extra grouchy since it was a holiday and all. It was like being grouchy with grouchy sprinkles.

I did extra hand waving in the car and none of the other drivers got a break. I pulled out all the profanities:

C’mon . The speed limit is 40 here. It’s not a goat path. Asshole. 

What the fuck are you doing? Seriously, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?

Nice turn signal, ass face. 

No, PLEASE, pull right the fuck out if front of me and then slow down. Wank stain. 

This lane is for PASSING. motherfucker. PASSING. 

Dude, the fucking light is green. It’s goddamn green. Stop fucking texting and move your ass. 

Take your time. 

It occurs to me as I write this, that I never use the phrase ‘take your time’ and not mean it sarcastically.

It seems that I pushed the grouchiness to levels even I can’t handle because I ended the day in a hormonal meltdown. I have no idea what it was all about, all I know is that one minute, I was happily catching up on Doctor Who and the next minute I was sobbing to Randy that I’ve wasted my whole life and that I was probably dying. Anxiety is a dick.

I celebrated National Grouch day to the best of my ability. I guess I have mixed feelings about it. On the one hand, bitching about shit is like the whistle on a tea kettle and I let off a lot of steam. On the other, it’s fairly exhausting. I think I’ll go back to my normal of level grouchiness. It’s easier.

Today is Boss’s Day. I’m going to celebrate this holiday by not acknowledging it at all.

Okay, I might sneer at my boss and possibly flip him off behind his back. Because I’m a grown up and I don’t want the holiday to pass without celebrating at least a little bit.

 

 

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  • I love how you celebrate. I didn’t know it was national grouch day so am delighted to report I celebrated by being extra bitchy to my husband even though I was unaware. Karma had my back there.

    • Of course it counts…I believe that how one celebrates this day is a personal choice. I mean, unless you are all cheery the whole damn day..then you are doing it wrong.

  • The fact that it was National Grouch Day actually made me feel less grouchy than normal, so try as I might I was actually in a good mood. Today however is another day. Boss’s day is it? You should have made him a cake, laced with belladonna or similar 🙂

  • Definitely marking this date on my calender for next year. Wank stain is an entirely new never before heard insult to me. I like it.

    When I get really ranty, I have to stop myself or I just wind up feeling even worse and more miserable and then my rants get even more vile. Things can get real ugly real fast.

    • I’m usually okay because I just keep a low key steady rant going most of the day..not too much, but enough that I’m not bottling things up.

      And feel free to steal wank stain…it’s my gift to you.

  • Ohh!! Somehow I must have known it was grouch day yesterday! And boy did I celebrate. I got into it with one of my kids and it got nasty! Here’s hoping for a little less grouchiness today.

  • We have celebrated new employees, employee milestones, birthdays and also had two small “welcome back after your loss, we’re here for you” gatherings in the last month. I do not need another food-related event to chip in money to. I just can’t!

    • Oh man…that does get tiring, doesn’t it? I’m glad my department is a bunch of socially awkward IT people that generally like to avoid each other. We used to celebrate birthdays, but I don’t think any of us could endure another rendition of ‘happy birthday’ sung in the style of a funeral dirge.

  • Having a neighbor parking their vehicle smack in front of my house every damn day would annoy me too. Have you tried parking one of your cars in “his” spot in front of your house before he gets there? Maybe after a week or two he’ll get the hint. Also, “Nice move fuck wad!” is my favorite go-to phrase while driving.

    • Oh yes…When we get the chance, we park our car their and he KNOWS we don’t want him there. When we move it, he will move his truck back there…EVEN IF HE ISN’T GOING ANYWHERE. GAH!

  • Ahhh. It all makes sense now. I didn’t know it was national grouch day, but clearly my dear husband did.
    I will compliment him when he wakes up on a holiday well feted!

    All I can say is that I am glad none of us have bosses anymore. THAT would be exhausting and I need to recover fro aforementioned holiday.

    Glad your training paid off for a successful holiday (except the bursting into tears part at the end).

    Unless that is part of the holiday – then …. you rocked it!

  • I missed it, and that makes me grouchy. We should have National Grouch Week. Then again, I’m pretty much celebrating National Grouch Lifetime, so you know.

    I think I say “Oh what is this asshole doing…really? REALLY you shithead? Seriously?” about 14,000 times every time I get behind the wheel. And where I live, I never drive more than 20 minutes to get to anything.

  • I celebrated National grouch Day without even knowing it. The universe added my piss-n-vinegar quotient by ensuring engine trouble and a missed connection to Sydney. No luggage and a 24hr layover. But this is my first vacation in 7yrs I won’t be dissuaded. Today I’m the boss. Thanks Michelle.

  • omg. I’m so sending this to my retired lieutenant cop sister in CA. I’m pretty sure I’ve heard her use every one of these phrases (possibly not if our Mom is in the car) while driving except for maybe ‘wank stain’ which I’m sure she’ll accept as a gift.
    Also, park one of your cars temporarily in front of your house for a week, and the bastard neighbor would have to find another place. On the other hand, maybe he’d return when you quit. There are never any guarantees.

    • Oh we HAVE done that and as SOON as we move our car..he moves his back. I actually think he watches for it. The asshole. And tell your sister to use ‘wank stain’ in good health.

  • Why not celebrate Boss’s Day by being extra bossy. I think if you combine Grouch Day with Boss Day you can set new standards! As for your parking pee-head neighbor, why have you not yet left tacks in the street where he parks?

  • I totally agree with everything but am sad that when I hear the word “grouch,” I can only think of Sesame Street. What does having children DO to us? Now I am the one who is grouchy (and my hair probably looks similar to that stupid muppet’s).

  • I’m trying to figure out which line is my favorite. The deranged chimp forced to watch Charles In Charge and My Two Dads is a definite contender. Or is it the grouchy with grouchy sprinkles? Or the I’m not your goddamn mother? That one just covers so much and it’s so useful so many times. Except with my own kids. Damn. Or is it? Hmmmm… that could be very effective with my kids….

  • I didn’t know it was grouch day, but got right with the spirit of it anyway. Briana had an unannounced, uninvited visitor (who I keep hoping will fall down an open manhole and drown in the sewer, but never does… Talk about inconsiderate) and to avoid having to listen to his stupid voice I got my ipod and listened to Neko Case and Rilo Kiley at full volume until he left. But I was still grouchy because I could hear him during the quiet parts. Hope your date night is fun, and I’m sure that your hair will look fine.

  • I should definitely drive with you in the car because your sentiments are more like mine. Al’s – not so much – he is very calm and patient and it drives me nuts. Hoot at the guy, or shout, or wave your arms – do something, anything except sit there patiently for him to decide what he wants to do or which lane he wants to drive in.
    It’s nearly the weekend – hang in there.
    Me xox

    • Randy is the SAME WAY. I am always saying….HONK at that guy..and he just rolls his eyes at me. And it IS the weekend for me because I took tomorrow off. Go me!

  • This is hysterical! I swear I am picturing trying to go South on 75 at the “cut in the hill”. I worked at the IRS in the late 90’s until 9/11 and hubby said “Well it looks like it’s time to get the fuck out” so I did. I hated that drive every damn day all the way to B.F.E. in Grant County SUCKED! I swear the first thing I’d do was walk in the front door and get a shot of Jack Daniels just to keep from killing someone. 17 miles to the nearest store and I’d get home and hubby would say “We’re out of milk”. To which I’d say “Screw it let them put beer in their cereal”! (just kidding about that part). Ah yes, great times!

    • I feel you, I do…I used to drive from Grant county to Covington for school back in the early 80s and then downtown. I don’t remember when they straightened out the cut in the hill, but it did improve a little after that.

      I loathe driving in traffic. I’m so impatient.

  • “Grouchy with grouchy sprinkles” I’m going to have to adopt that.

    Your behavior in the car mirrors mine. Except I frequently use “ass wipe”. No idea where it came from.

  • I had no idea today was Bosses Day. When I found out, I had another employee inform my boss that he could invoice me for the clementine he was eating, and that would be my gift to him.

  • I know you think you’re being a grouch, but you’re probably a cute and hilarious grouch.

    Why is there even a boss’s day?
    Who invents these holidays? I’d like to have a word with them.

    • Well, I certainly think I’m adorable. Hahahah.

      I don’t know who invents them. A terribly needy boss? You should probably start your investigation with my boss..

  • *shocked sudden inhale* I may love you – that is me. Every. Single. Day! I don’t think I could be any more or less grouchy on any given day. Grouchy just IZ…

    Oh, PS – Hugs! 🙂

  • I pretty much celebrate this holiday each and every time I get behind the wheel of my car. Or see it’s my mother in law calling me for the seventeenth time. Or I see my sister in law because she’s an asshole. Don’t even get me started on the husband’s ex-wife….

    I may need some therapy.

By Michelle

Michelle

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