Maybe, I Do Need A Spell


My Direct Message box on Twitter is a weird place.

Mostly, it’s a bunch of rando dudes saying things like:


“Hey Gorgeous”

“Hey Beautiful”

“Hello Angel”

“Why won’t you respond to me, bitch? You’re rude”

There are a few threads that are actually between me and people I want to talk to.

There is a thread where a friendship ended. There’s a thread of women humorists I laugh at every day.

Of course, there is the occasional dick pic.

Some dude on Twitter asked why men do that? In his experience, he’s never seen it accomplish anything, so why do they bother foisting a picture of their stupid junk onto unsuspecting women?

That one isn’t hard at all. It’s an act of aggression and they get off on it.

Sick fucks.

Then yesterday, I got a DM from the self proclaimed greatest herbalist in Africa.

He offered to create spells for me.

All I had to do is ask.

Here is the menu:

  • Love spell
  • Cleaning spell
  • Magical powers spell
  • Ritual money spell
  • Cure disease spell
  • Need a good job spell
  • ¬†Win courts case spell
  • Reading spell
  • Spell
  • Lottery spell to win
  • Accident safety spell

Okay, please note, the third option is a magical powers spell.

If you had magical powers, why would you need any other spell?

Couldn’t you just do it yourself?

And who, for all that is fucking holy, would buy a cleaning spell? I mean, I guess if you’re a hoarder or something, you might need otherworldly intervention. In that case, I’d just go for the lottery spell, win millions, burn the hoarder house down and start over.

A reading spell? I guess the greatest herbalist in all of Africa has never heard of Hooked on Phonics.

Need a good job spell. I don’t want to beat a dead horse here, but again, the magical powers spell would be way better than a good job.

I didn’t inquire about price though. Maybe, the magical power spell is out of my price range. I mean, I’m sure it is. Maybe, all I could afford is the cleaning spell. But if that is the case, I could always just text Farrah, who is the girl I found to clean my house when we first moved in because damn, this place was filthy. I didn’t need a spell to find Farrah, though. Just Craigslist.

Ooooh…maybe Craigslist is magic?

The ritual money spell bothers me a little.

Why is “ritual” part of it? Why can’t it just be a money spell? If ritual is part of it, then I kind of think that means an animal sacrifice of some sort. Fuck that.

Years ago, I had a friend who was adamant in her stance that she loved animals more than humans. I didn’t get that. I just didn’t.

I do now. I totally get why now.

Honestly, if there is any spell on this menu I should really consider, it’s the accident safety spell.

I’m not making this part up, this is actually true. I’ve been at this job for 5 years now. I really like this boss. He’s a good guy. Once, I face planted in his office. He is genuinely concerned for my safety now. Not a week goes by without him saying “okay, be careful” or “don’t fall down”.

And what is the deal with the spell that is just “Spell”?

Would that be even better than a magical power spell?

Does in encompass all spells? Or maybe, it’s just a one time party trick. Like making all the toilets on the street you live on flush at the same time. Or making a dick grow on the forehead of that guy you used to work with who really should go through life with a dick on his forehead. It’s fair warning.

If I could buy one of these spells and make Australia not be on fire, I’d spend every dime I have.

If I could buy one of these spells and stop the stupid president from rushing us into WWIII, I would spend every dime I have.

Spells don’t work, though.

I’m going to laugh as much as I can because I’m terrified right now.

I knew it would be bad.

I knew war was likely.

I’m afraid of how bad it will get.

I also believe we will win.

Spells don’t really work, but voting does.

We must turn out. Our lives literally depend on it.

Hug everyone you love.

If I could hug you all I would.

Maybe, I should at least see what the greatest herbalist in Africa has to say. At this point, I don’t think it would hurt.


Image courtesy of Moshy Pelusha



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