None Of These Things Are Like The Other

I don’t care if Randy looks at other women. I never have.

He, however, has contended for 18 years that he only has eyes for me. I’m impressed by how long he has been able to keep this up. He very rarely comments on how pretty another woman is, but even so, I know about the little crushes he harbors on Grace Kelly and Rosanne Cash.

Every great once in a while when if I ask him if he thinks another woman is pretty he will respond with: I’d do her.

We went out last Saturday morning and I was wearing my lip gloss and big sunglasses for makeup. The only shorts I could find were too tight and my hair was very nearly pulled back into a ponytail.

Me: Do I look alright?

Randy: I’d do you.

Me: That’s what you say when you think a movie star is pretty.

Randy: So, you’re insinuating that anything would do for me? That I’d be happy humping a fluffy cushion?

Me, feeling mildly annoyed: That makes absolutely no sense at all. None.

Randy, about to speak three words that NEVER fails to get on my nerves: Sure it does.

Me: No, Randy, it fucking doesn’t. Those two things have nothing to do with each other. I said you say ‘I’d do her’ when you see a pretty girl. That in no way questions your standards or suggests you wish to fornicate with our couch.

Randy: Your mouth says no, but your eyes say yes.

Me, dumping my purse out looking for xanax: Are you fucking kidding me? You have now made THREE statements that have NOTHING to do with each other in order to prove your point. Arguing with you makes me fucking crazy.

Randy: <laughing>

Me: This is that thing you do when you’re trying to get on my nerves.

Randy, about to say another 3 word phrase that gets on my nerves: No I’m not.

Me: I’m putting Drano in your eggs tomorrow.

14 Thoughts.

  1. We do it because it irritates you.
    I know, you’re trying to figure out some deeper meaning and there isn’t one. Men are simple. And sometimes, we take joy in annoying the ones we love.

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