Remember that Monty Python skit about the guy paying for an argument? Graham Chapman heaps a pile of hilarious insults on Michael Palin and then apologizes..Oh! You wanted an argument? This is abuse.
If you lived inside my head, you would understand PERFECTLY why that skit is appropriate to what is on my mind. But you don’t..so chances are it will be confusing and murky. If this is the case, please ignore the Monty Python reference.
I find ways, every single day, to fuck with myself. Yesterday and today have been filled with self-recrimination over the incredibly kind and wonderful things that people say to me.
For instance, the comments I’ve gotten for the past few blog posts I’ve written have been kind and supportive.
They are SO fucking hard to read and this is what I think:
Fucking hell. You know what it sounds like? It sounds like you’re fishing for these affirmations and compliments. Is that what you’re doing? Because it’s sad. Fucking cut it out.
Which is followed up with:
Wow, people are being really nice to you. Perhaps you could just be gracious and learn how to take a goddamn compliment. Dumbass.
And now that thought, right this second, is met with:
WHAT ARE YOU DOING NOW? This is exactly what I’m talking about! You’ll write this post and then people will say really nice things and assure you that you’re wonderful when you know, deep down inside..all you are doing is fishing.
It’s exhausting listening to the noise in my head sometimes.
I know that I am not fishing for compliments. I’m just emptying the contents of my head. I love writing this blog. I love getting feedback. And I appreciate every single comment and email I get from people who choose to read my ramblings.
Still, it’s hard for me to accept a compliment.
If I am going through a very rough patch, like death of a loved one or watching someone I love suffer for any reason, then the LAST thing I want is for people to be NICE to me. Fucking hell, tease me..make fun of me…tell me to stop being a pussy, but for all that is holy..do NOT be nice to me.
Not a clue. Well, other than I hate to cry in front of people. Too much niceness when I’m sad definitely irritates the tear ducts.
I have a friend who is exactly the same way. I know if she is in pain that I can comfort her. I comfort her by saying really mean and over the top shit to her until she laughs. She knows that her job is to do the same for me.
For instance, she has a health issue that I KNOW she is really worried about. Personally, I think it’s going to end up routine and fine, but I understand her worry. She doesn’t fret out loud too much about it, that isn’t her style..but I can read between the lines.
She’s having a test today that requires a full bladder. I’ve been given very specific instructions. If she ends up peeing all over the place during this procedure then I am to make fun of her for it.
Like she had to TELL me to do that. Of course I will make fun of her. That is what we do. That’s how we say “I care very much about you and I worry about you and I want to help set your mind at ease”. Don’t tell her I said that though, she’d hang so much shit on me.
I am going to keep working on learning how to take a compliment without feeling like crawling in a hole.
In the mean time, would you mind terribly leaving a comment making fun of me? Just a little? I PROMISE to say something horrible in return.