OK Boomer Here’s Your Cool

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I’m disengaging from all things political for a bit. I am all full up.

I know the stupid president is going to deliver his state of the union address Tuesday, but I won’t be watching because I will be at the bus station clipping stranger’s toenails. Besides, I have things to do. It can’t be all outrage all the time.

So, the bathroom really needs a good scrubbing. I meant to do it yesterday, but I hated to break my 37 week streak of being completely unproductive on a Saturday.

Today is Sunday and I still haven’t cleaned the bathroom, but I am thinking super hard about actually cleaning it, so there’s that.

My method of procrastination was to actually read a slide show article. The article was bullshit and slide shows are frustrating, but my commitment to putting off cleaning the bathroom is strong.

Anyway, the article was called something like “40 Things All Boomers Think Are Cool”

I’m not listing all 40 because a lot of them were terribly repetitive. So, here we go.

Not quite 40 things that apparently all boomers think are cool:

Phone books.  A phone book. What fucking boomer thinks the phone book is cool? I mean, other than that one scene in The Jerk?

Writing checks. We think writing checks is cool? Our bar is set that low? Really? I mean, if I’m honest, I do get a secret little thrill up the back of my spine when I write that one check a year. Because it’s cool.

Cursive writing.  Okay, I do like cursive writing. I don’t understand why it’s going away. It’s faster than printing. Printing is frustrating. Why do we hate on cursive writing? I don’t think it’s cool, though. Just convenient.

China plates. I know that every time I visit someone’s house, my first thought is…I hope they show me their fucking china plates. That would be so cool.

Crocs. Hahahaha. No.

Patterned wallpaper. I did buy some patterned wallpaper that looks like bricks painted white. I want to put it on one of my basement walls, but I haven’t gotten around to it. I guess it’s kind of cool.

Not so skinny jeans. No. What we do is find jeans comfortable. Besides, cool doesn’t come from jeans. As Mojo Nixon says…you can’t buy cool

Home shopping networks. I mean, I guess they’re convenient? I have never bought anything from the home shopping networks, but I buy a fuck ton online. Not going out to shop is completely cool.

Yahoo. When I was little, I thought Yoo Hoo was cool, but I haven’t liked watery, chocolate flavored drinks for years. Also, everyone uses fucking google. Even us old folks.

Everything denim. I will admit to wearing top to bottom acid wash denim to the clubs back in the ’80s. Even my pumps were acid wash denim. My hair was tall and sticky from Aqua Net and I looked amazing.

Jello. Who the fuck thinks jello is cool? My 80 year old mother doesn’t think jello is cool. I mean, we’ll eat it..but it isn’t cool. It’s not like it’s tapioca or something.

Encyclopedias. Fuck you. They are cool.

Records. Again, fuck off with this. Records are cool.

Socks and sandals. I mean, I guess they can be if they’re worn separately. Pretty sure boomers who where socks and sandals together aren’t worried about their coolness levels.

24 hour news networks. Hell yeah…when I’m at work, I sit in my cubicle and dream about coming home and being informed by the news network of my choice. It is the coolest thing ever.

Shag carpet. Hahahaah. No one thinks that nasty, ugly shag carpet is cool.

Fossil fuels. Finding alternate forms of energy is cool.

Fuzzy toilet seats. That is even worse than shag carpet.

Meatloaf. I actually really like meatloaf. Meatloaf is awesome. Unless it’s made wrong, then it is annoying. But cool? I guess if you let it sit out too long.

Alex Jones. The guy who tortured parents of children who were murdered in their classroom. The sweaty, screaming moron who promotes stupid conspiracy theories. No. No we do not think he is cool. Fuck that guy.

Mrs. Dash. Okay? I mean, at least Mrs. Dash is more cool than Alex Jones.

Blaming millennials. If you are a boomer and you do this? Please cut it out. It is not helpful.

Linoleum flooring. This article names shit we grew up with and then says that boomers think it’s cool. It’s fucking flooring. We walked on linoleum and used Mop-n-Glo on it.

Unpaid Internships. Because what isn’t cool about exploiting someone who needs a break and taking their labor without giving them money in return. Interns don’t need food or shelter. That’s what is so cool about this.

Too many throw pillows. I will admit that Randy has quite a collection on our bed. I’ll have to ask him if he thinks they are cool.

Giving retail workers a hard time. No matter your generation, if you are shitty to people in retail, then just stay home. No one needs your shit. And you suck. And you are most definitely not cool.

Okay, well, that was fun.

I guess I have to clean the bathroom now. I’m looking forward to it. Boomers think clean bathrooms are cool.

Photo courtesy of Skitterphoto.

 

 

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36 comments

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  • I have to disagree with one item on the list. Fuzzy toilet seats. It was a cover that made the seat soft and in winter, didn’t freeze your butt off. Unfortunately, somehow it became an ‘issue’ in our house so quit using them. I miss them. Although getting them on required a degree.

  • You know what’s really not cool? Manufactured inter-generational conflict and bullshit claims of what one group thinks about another. Every group has its assholes and every group has its cool people, something which, as a member of Gen X, I think I grew up understanding because there were Boomers, and also whatever the hell the generation before them is supposed to be, who are pretty cool people and some who are major assholes. Also I remember Gen X being dumped on and I said, “Fuck that.” Also Gen X is supposed to be the generation that fixed a lot of things and it looks like we just made a lot of it worse, so I don’t feel I have any business telling people younger than me that everything they do is shit.
    Also whenever the subject of “cool” comes up I remember the British comedian Ben Elton who said, “The truth is you can’t buy cool and you can’t create it with a label. Wearing the right clothes only takes money while wearing the wrong clothes takes initiative.”
    So you know what? If someone feels comfortable wearing socks and sandals at the same time I think that’s cool.

  • How the fuck did Alex Jones get a list about cool things, even really stupid cool things? I’m not a boomer, though I am close – the only thing remotely cool on this list is records, assuming we’re talking vinyl records.

    No one ever thought fuzzy toilet seats were cool. No. One.

  • And this is how I know you’re my sister from another mother! AGREED! & my bathroom is in desperate need to be cleaned, but it’s not going to get done today!

  • Oh I love this and I needed it. Who makes up this shit. Think of all the things our generation has done to keep this country going. Think of the genius in tech, art, writing of all kinds that have come out of our generation. Okay there is the ass in the White House. But he is not our fault. We wanted a woman. And as for shag carpeting, I’m sure it can compete with the graying of American. Come on, put a little color in your life. Live it up, decorators. Alex Jones is a f-ing liar. Jeans of any kind will never go out of style and really throw pillows are cool and so are libraries where BOOKS live and by the way yes, records are cool!

  • The thing about those fuzzy toilet seats is that when you try to lift them up to pee, they fall back down. Fuck those things.
    I still have a Yahoo email account. I don’t think it’s cool, but it’s not terrible and there are too many important official people (SSA, Medical, my sister, etc.) who have that email address as their main method of contact for me to want to fuck with it.
    Checks are good for paying rent.
    When I worked for a high-end flooring company, I helped install some very expensive shag carpet in some very expensive homes. Was it cool? Maybe cooler than the stringy, cheap, shag carpet we had in a couple of rentals when I was a kid, but even the tight, super dense shag is still a bit of a pain. It will insulate against sound pretty well, though, and more than one rehearsal space I’ve used had benefited from my connection to that floor company and had thick, tight shag carpet scraps on the floor and walls.
    My friend Brenda makes meatloaf that I would go to extreme lengths to acquire.
    Alex Jones can fuck right off, and we used to wholesale Dash at the warehouse I manages back in the ‘aughts. It didn’t sell very well.
    Having been born in 1960 does make me a boomer, and as the third child in my family, I guess I do sort of qualify as a “baby boom” although I was not the result of post WWII fecundity, my dad was in the army, but he was a bit too young to have fought in WWII and occupied Germany instead.
    Our little bathroom is easy to clean, but the sink has to do double duty as we don’t have a kitchen down here.

  • I think what’s funny is if you ask a lot of the younger crowd what a “boomer” is they’ll tell you anybody over 50 or 55. ( one guy said “a nuclear submarine”).
    So if some younger person made up this list they are either from the Midwest ( where some of this might be true – I know as I live there) or they asked their 80 year old grandmother. Personally I would have added “they like “Cracker Barrel””

  • what a bloody great list, cursive writing is awesome and should still be taught, crocs no way and phone books are so out dated I just ask Goggle. I like having a home phone aka a land line

  • This was a great read. I actually loved. It is awesome. My mom is in her 60’s and tells me “hey, I am a boomer and I hate patterned wallpaper. Great blog!

  • I agree that two things on that list are cool.
    1. Vinyl. That’s what records who really collect records call them. I know. I have about 30 feet of vinyl in my house, and we just spent a bundle on a turntable (note: not a record player) and husband has a custom-made bag he takes with him when he and his gang go on “vinyl runs.” They sound *great,* BTW.
    2. Comfy Jeans. Because, we are cool enough to wear skinny jeans when we want to, but we’re not so stupid that we have to cut off the circulation to our knees because somebody says we ought to.
    Other than that, nothing on that list is cool.
    Ya know what is cool? having two bathrooms. And then, having hubby clean my bathroom for me. Because he’s awesome, and he’s being super nice because life is being a little too life-y lately, and he wanted me to go out and have a break.
    So head out, boomer people, and be cool by cleaning someone else’s bathroom, or texting someone to say you hope they’re having a good day, or listening to someone’s story about how their kid believes in Santa, or leaving cookies in the mailbox with a note for the mail carrier, or shoveling the neighbor’s walk, or just by being a decent human being who doesn’t squoosh other people.
    And remember to tip your barista.

By Michelle

Michelle

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