I’m disengaging from all things political for a bit. I am all full up.
I know the stupid president is going to deliver his state of the union address Tuesday, but I won’t be watching because I will be at the bus station clipping stranger’s toenails. Besides, I have things to do. It can’t be all outrage all the time.
So, the bathroom really needs a good scrubbing. I meant to do it yesterday, but I hated to break my 37 week streak of being completely unproductive on a Saturday.
Today is Sunday and I still haven’t cleaned the bathroom, but I am thinking super hard about actually cleaning it, so there’s that.
My method of procrastination was to actually read a slide show article. The article was bullshit and slide shows are frustrating, but my commitment to putting off cleaning the bathroom is strong.
Anyway, the article was called something like “40 Things All Boomers Think Are Cool”
I’m not listing all 40 because a lot of them were terribly repetitive. So, here we go.
Not quite 40 things that apparently all boomers think are cool:
Phone books. A phone book. What fucking boomer thinks the phone book is cool? I mean, other than that one scene in The Jerk?
Writing checks. We think writing checks is cool? Our bar is set that low? Really? I mean, if I’m honest, I do get a secret little thrill up the back of my spine when I write that one check a year. Because it’s cool.
Cursive writing. Okay, I do like cursive writing. I don’t understand why it’s going away. It’s faster than printing. Printing is frustrating. Why do we hate on cursive writing? I don’t think it’s cool, though. Just convenient.
China plates. I know that every time I visit someone’s house, my first thought is…I hope they show me their fucking china plates. That would be so cool.
Crocs. Hahahaha. No.
Patterned wallpaper. I did buy some patterned wallpaper that looks like bricks painted white. I want to put it on one of my basement walls, but I haven’t gotten around to it. I guess it’s kind of cool.
Not so skinny jeans. No. What we do is find jeans comfortable. Besides, cool doesn’t come from jeans. As Mojo Nixon says…you can’t buy cool
Home shopping networks. I mean, I guess they’re convenient? I have never bought anything from the home shopping networks, but I buy a fuck ton online. Not going out to shop is completely cool.
Yahoo. When I was little, I thought Yoo Hoo was cool, but I haven’t liked watery, chocolate flavored drinks for years. Also, everyone uses fucking google. Even us old folks.
Everything denim. I will admit to wearing top to bottom acid wash denim to the clubs back in the ’80s. Even my pumps were acid wash denim. My hair was tall and sticky from Aqua Net and I looked amazing.
Jello. Who the fuck thinks jello is cool? My 80 year old mother doesn’t think jello is cool. I mean, we’ll eat it..but it isn’t cool. It’s not like it’s tapioca or something.
Encyclopedias. Fuck you. They are cool.
Records. Again, fuck off with this. Records are cool.
Socks and sandals. I mean, I guess they can be if they’re worn separately. Pretty sure boomers who where socks and sandals together aren’t worried about their coolness levels.
24 hour news networks. Hell yeah…when I’m at work, I sit in my cubicle and dream about coming home and being informed by the news network of my choice. It is the coolest thing ever.
Shag carpet. Hahahaah. No one thinks that nasty, ugly shag carpet is cool.
Fossil fuels. Finding alternate forms of energy is cool.
Fuzzy toilet seats. That is even worse than shag carpet.
Meatloaf. I actually really like meatloaf. Meatloaf is awesome. Unless it’s made wrong, then it is annoying. But cool? I guess if you let it sit out too long.
Alex Jones. The guy who tortured parents of children who were murdered in their classroom. The sweaty, screaming moron who promotes stupid conspiracy theories. No. No we do not think he is cool. Fuck that guy.
Mrs. Dash. Okay? I mean, at least Mrs. Dash is more cool than Alex Jones.
Blaming millennials. If you are a boomer and you do this? Please cut it out. It is not helpful.
Linoleum flooring. This article names shit we grew up with and then says that boomers think it’s cool. It’s fucking flooring. We walked on linoleum and used Mop-n-Glo on it.
Unpaid Internships. Because what isn’t cool about exploiting someone who needs a break and taking their labor without giving them money in return. Interns don’t need food or shelter. That’s what is so cool about this.
Too many throw pillows. I will admit that Randy has quite a collection on our bed. I’ll have to ask him if he thinks they are cool.
Giving retail workers a hard time. No matter your generation, if you are shitty to people in retail, then just stay home. No one needs your shit. And you suck. And you are most definitely not cool.
Okay, well, that was fun.
I guess I have to clean the bathroom now. I’m looking forward to it. Boomers think clean bathrooms are cool.
Photo courtesy of Skitterphoto.