One Headlight

No, not that song by Bob Dylan’s kid.

I just wiki’d Jakob Dylan. He was born in 1969, in case you weren’t feeling old today. 

I’m talking about nipples.

My nipples have been behaving oddly for a while now. I don’t mean they’ve been distant or have been staying out at all hours. I’m saying they wink.

I have winking nipples. Michelle and her fabulous winking nipples.

When I have my old lady band, it’s going to be called Michelle and the Fabulous Winking Nipples. Anyone interested in being a nipple?  I am also wondering if I say ‘nipple’ enough what kind of disgusting search terms will bring people to my blog. If you are here reading this because of your fucked up search term, well, I am sure you are disappointed and shame on you. Also, would it kill you to call your mother? 

How do they wink?

Well, I have found that since menopause set in, my nipples think it’s below zero 365 days a year. They’re just so perky and ready for the day. All the motherfucking time. I have to buy bras with layers of padding just so I don’t show my headlights on high beam.

Apparently, they’ve discovered my clever plan and have somehow managed to render my favorite black bra ineffective. Seriously, this bra has done a fine job keeping my nipples under wrap.

Until this week.

At my new job, we share a common bathroom in the office. 19 people. One bathroom. Mostly, it’s nice having the room to myself, but half the time, I can’t get in. Plus, I am still getting used to sharing a bathroom with men. I do here at home, but they’re my men, and that’s different.

But I digress.

Anyway. There is a full length mirror in this bathroom. I walked in the other day and one nipple was standing at attention and trying to burrow through my favorite black bra. One nipple. Not both nipples. Just the left one.

Fucking really?

I went in to the stall and retraced my steps in my head. Had I passed anyone in the hall? You know, with a big goofy fake grin on my face because I hate passing people in the hall and one nipple begging to be set free? I didn’t think so.

I walked out of the stall and looked in the mirror. My left nipple had calmed the fuck down. The right one, however, decided to catch up to the left one.

In the time it took to pee, my left nipple deflated and my right one perked up. They were winking.

I can only think that they were taking their cue from Young Frankenstein. You know, where Marty Feldman’s hump kept moving from side to side.

I actually pulled the front of my shirt out and said “Not cool, guys. Not cool at all.”

Of course, they heard the word ‘cool’ and we all know what happened next.

Yep, I had to walk back to my desk with my arms crossed over my chest.

Getting old is not for pussies.

Add your comments below. Profanity is encouraged, but not required. ;)
  1. ivy says:

    you made me think of something from my past. well there was that blog post I did about having a superfluous nipple in one’s forehead but that’s not the thing I was thinking of. shortly after a hysterectomy issue I always thought a great name for a rock group would be” women without fallopian” of course men without hats was a big deal then.

  2. KK says:

    Oh lovely, something else for me to look forward to.

  3. Vicki says:

    ***can’t stop laughing!*** You can be thankful you’re not me. I have had this problem since I knew what nipples were! Pretty much my whole freakin’ life and I’m no teenager anymore. The slightest breeze and both girls are standing at attention. I feel your pain.

  4. Vicki says:

    *can’t stop laughing* I’ve lived with this since puberty and am now on the other side of menopause. The slightest bit of breeze and both girls are standing at attention, no matter what the temperature is! I feel your pain.

  5. kdcol says:

    My nipples are almost inverted, it was a bitch to try to breastfeed, so I’m curious if mine will behave in the same way but then maybe it won’t be noticeable. Who knows what’s gonna happen when the things have a mind of their own and all.

  6. Oh, so that’s why my nips seem to stand at attention more often than usual! I just thought they were finally showing me some respect. 🙂

    Re: Jakob Dylan. I recently remarked to Precocious Daughter that back in the 90s, for some reason it never occurred to me that all the bands I was listening to were my age. Pearl Jam, Nirvana, yep, Jakob Dylan…all of us born around the same time. As a kid I got used to musicians being “old” compared to me, and I guess I hadn’t yet realized I was a grownup in my mid-20s. Now, of course, all the popular artists are punk kids and should get off my lawn.

  7. Like Vicki, I’ve had the same problem since I was young, its a pain in the ass (well, in the nipples) in summer when it’s just too damn hot to wear a padded bra. I’ve always wondered if they really do have minds of their own.

  8. No problems here. Breasts, and nipples! are just too damn small.


  9. Mary-Anne says:

    Oh my. I needed to start today with a laugh –
    beats the migraine I got last night by a mile!
    I bet somewhere, someone sells a product to keep the winking at bay….

    ‘nipples be gone!’ or some such product line….

  10. Winking nipples…I’m just adding that to the list of reasons I’m glad I started hormone therapy before gynecomastia set in. It wasn’t soon enough to stop the hot flashes, but those are diminishing. I’m not sure the same could be said if I’d grown breasts. I’m sorry hot flashes are something you still have ahead of you, by the way.

    And hopefully your nipples aren’t acting like Marty Feldman’s eyes. Like him, though, they clearly have a sense of humor. I used to work in a place that had mailboxes that were open on both sides. One day I stuck my head in one and when a co-worker walked by on the other side I yelled “I AIN’T GOT NOBOOOOODY!” She wasn’t amused.

  11. “Getting old is not for pussies.”

    Is that the title of your next article?

    Or nipples apparently….

    Which body part are we discussing here?

  12. OMG, I thought I was the only one! I am just in the beginning stages of menopause and damn these things! So funny, loved this!

  13. OMFG, like the hot flashes aren’t bad enough? I have to worry about my nips winking? Maybe they’re trying to tell us to turn right or left, depending.

    Loved the whole album back in the late 90’s. Still have that song on my itunes and my kids tell me my music is stale and I need some new stuff. Then I hear them listening to The Who or The Beatles.

    • Michelle says:

      HAHHAHA…Right? Same thing, different bands. My kid asked me once…Hey, have you ever heard of Rush? Or..after spending years making fun of my music, I get asked…Mom, can you burn me a copy of London Calling.

  14. Megan says:

    Ha! I have disobedient nipples, too. I’ve worn heavily lined bras for years; mine could cut glass most of the time. I’ve given up trying to tame them. Now I just settle for adjusting them so I don’t have one pointing up and one pointing down. They’re the John Travolta of nipples.

  15. Jackie G says:

    Fantastic you have the nipples to talk about what not many would
    Mind you don’t get stopped by the police!!

  16. Sholeen says:

    Having grown up in the 70s and 80s and having been raised by a fabulous couple of feminists I LOVE my tatas and their glorious little nipples. Let’s start a whole thing about nipple envy instead of penis envy (seriously? you think it’s the penis we envy, not the increased pay and more rapid promotion? but I digress) Don’t hide those beamers, forget Dylan, go Helen Reddy!!

    • Michelle says:

      Sadly…I did not have your upbringing (which sounds WONDERFUL) so I am still in the ‘hide that shit away’ mindset. BUt I will work on it. 🙂

  17. Doug in Oakland says:

    In the ’90s, when that song was all over the radio, a coworker of mine said that it proved the contention that all kids find ways to rebel against their parents. She said that Jakob Dylan did it by actually learning how to sing…

  18. Need a guitarist for the Winking Nipples? I’m in. That name reminds me of a bar in Cleveland called The Winking Lizard. Almost sounds like we’ve got a theme going here. 😉

  19. Michele says:

    I wish I could understand … and that doesn’t mean I don’t share the winking problem… it only means that after nursing two children mine don’t face outward.. they face down.. at the bottom of the deflated footballs that used to be famous DD’s. I congratulate you on your perkiness… and your new band!

  20. Sandy says:

    Oh my God! I am dying over here! Michelle and her incredible winking nipples!!!! I can’t even. All I can do is hope mine don’t start doing the same thing. Wait! Maybe they already do and I haven’t noticed. I pay so little attention to my nipples apparently.

  21. Katnap says:

    Too fkn funny! I can remember this happening waaay back – like in high school. Walk into the girls’ room, glance in the mirror and gasp! WTF?? Do you pull out your shirt and blow on the flat one or try to exhale hot breath on the hard one? Either way, when those babies don’t match you just wanna put on your coat and go home. Maybe smoke something. I think some higher being put us in these bodies just to fuck with us. So messed up. To all you younger women, prepare to hear yourself say (too many times), “Really?!!? Aww, COME ON! Goddamnit!” One sucky revelation after another…
    Can’t wait to hear the MFWN band, woo-hoo!

  22. Katnap says:

    No problem. Anyway, Meryl Streep’s gonna represent all us old rocker chicks in her new film. I bet her nipples are strobe lights.

  23. trillie says:

    I actually rewatched Paths of Glory yesterday and there is this moment where Kirk Douglas’ nipples totally show through his uniform. And not subtly either. What I mean is: you’re in good company 😉

  24. CARLA says:

    for once I have you beat!
    I wonder what the 50s will bring them as far as new tricks.
    Im planning to take their show on the road so it best be good.

    • Michelle says:

      Carla and her amazing pulsating nipples!!! HAHAHA.

      Oh hell…I mean, it’s not like they weren’t ever erect, but so much more now…I can’t imagine dealing with that during puberty…

  25. Which is why I wear black shirts, I guess.

  26. Snarkfest says:

    For fucks sake, really? Nipplewinking?? I didn’t know that was a thing. I thought it was all mood swings, hot flashes and vagdry. Now I need to worry about winking nips? WTF? God’s got an awful sense of humor.

  27. Well that was fun.
    I had my ‘oh dear god, no’ face on the whole time until I hit:
    “Also, would it kill you to call your mother?”
    And because I am no longer 20, I peed. Thank. You.