I want to retire in two years.

I was the grasshopper, not the ant…so you know, it’s going to be a lean retirement. Also, when I was a kid, I read Aesop’s Fables a billion times.

My first idea is to create a line of greeting cards for neurotics.

I feel like I have something for everyone. The giver or the receiver can be neurotic. Or both!

So far, this is what I have:

Outside of card: Sorry you’re stressing over your new job!

Inside of card: Too bad you’re not a psychopath, then it would be easy.

Outside: Happy Belated Birthday!

Inside: I can’t believe I forgot your birthday. I am a terrible friend. Just a horrible person. Remember that time I was 10 minutes late picking you up back in 1998? I just prove over and over that I can’t be trusted. And now I’m laying all of this on you! On your birthday! Or at least it would have been on your birthday if I weren’t such a fuck up.

Outside: Get Well Soon!

Inside: I checked WebMD for you. It’s not good.

Outside: Happy birthday to someone who approaches life with poise and confidence.

Inside: HAHAHAHA Just kidding. Happy birthday anyway, you great big ball of bunged up anxiety!

Outside: Happy Birthday!

Inside: Here’s to another year with no one finding out what an imposter you are!

Outside: Congrats on the birth of your baby!

Inside: Have you read the encyclopedia of pediatric disease yet?

Outside: Condolences on your loss.

Inside: I knew this was going to happen.

Outside: Happy Holidays!

Inside: Don’t forget to disappoint your mother!

Outside: Happy Valentine’s Day!

Inside: Is everything okay? You’re not mad at me, are you?

Outside: Thank you!

Inside: I know this is the third thank you card I sent, but were the first two sincere enough? Were they?

Outside: Congratulations on your graduation

Inside: Thus begins your life of questioning why in the hell you picked that major in the first place

Outside: Congrats on your new house!

Inside: Is it haunted?

Outside: Happy anniversary to the love of my life

Inside: Why did you change the password on your work phone? Not that I’m checking. Just tell me the truth. You’re tired of me, aren’t you? Should I get bangs? I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!

Outside: Congrats on your engagement!

Inside: Do you know what your future mother in law is going to wear to the wedding?

Okay, that’s all I have for now. I don’t know. I’d buy them.

If this doesn’t work out, I guess I could always get a part time job at an airport giftshop.

On an unrelated note, I was invited by Julia Roberts to participate in a roundup on her site, Decoding Creativity, about the Erma Bombeck Writer’s Workshop which you can read here.

I did it!

I made it through Thanksgiving without having to spend hours or days on a heating pad.

I’m not going to say my back feels good or anything, but I can definitely get around. Way better than last year. Thank the stars for Connie Chung and Stranger Things. Between the dry needling from Connie Chung and the massage from Stranger Things, I’m only at “stubbed my toe 6 minutes ago” level of pain. Not great, but totally manageable.

Not only did I make it through Thanksgiving with only mild to moderate pain, I also finished painting my dining room a few days before the holiday.

I did something I have never done before. After the walls and ceiling were painted, I redid the baseboards. I did not move two pieces of furniture when I painted the baseboards. I painted around them.

I have never done that before. In fact, in my past, that was unthinkable. That is not how one paints. You paint everything. With no drips, streaks, or holes and you do not paint around shit. Nope. My hips, however, were super tired of sitting on the hard floor and being asked to scootch down every few minutes.

I didn’t want to move the furniture. And I was tired of painting. So, I asked myself “Hey, wait…wait a minute? Whose house is this? Whose? That’s right. It is your house. You can Jackson Pollack the fuck out of it if you want.”

Something else happened on Thanksgiving, When my sons saw that I was struggling a bit right before dinner was ready to be served, they took over in the kitchen. They made sure everything was out, carved and had serving utensils. I sat at the makeshift kids table and let them take over. It was honestly like a Thanksgiving miracle.

The next day, after Randy’s younger daughter and her family headed back for their home hours away, Joey cleaned the rest of the house. All of it. Sweeping and mopping included.

As I sit here on Sunday morning finishing this post, I sit in a house that is fairly put together. I have no deep cleaning to do. I can relax.

My hips have no reason to complain right now.

Image by 👀 Mabel Amber, who will one day from Pixabay

It’s plausible that I accidentally did something one wouldn’t expect to accidentally do.

Honestly, perhaps “possible” would be a better word. Or even “probable”. Yeah, probable.

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