You know the Blind Melon song, No Rain? And the video with the bee girl?

Going to the Erma Bombeck’s Writer’s Conference is like finding my bee group. I feel safe and wanted. The conference pretty much feels like Christmas morning felt like when I was a child. Only without stockings and my dad getting pissed off over something and threatening to give away all of our presents.

Honestly, I probably wouldn’t pay for that conference.

I saw friends that I haven’t seen in 4 years and it was glorious.

My friend, Foxy, disassembles and reassembles creepy ass baby dolls and turns them into art. She gifted me with a necklace from her “Blue Velvet” collection.

I got to perform 3 minutes of stand up at the end of the conference. I wore my ear necklace for good luck. Or something. I mean, it’s amazing. I didn’t really need a reason. 

There were friends I missed. I made new friends and I probably offended a number of people, but I’m not quite ready to talk about that. Let’s just say, I will shuffle off my mortal coil before I ever agree to “save a seat” for another human ever again. Unless they were expelled from my body, currently have access to my bodily cavities, or are the product of either of our offspring. I’ll save a seat for them, but no one else ever. Because damn.

I reconnected with someone and we have agreed to meet once a week. We’re helping each other with our similar difficulties with writing and finding our funny. So, I’m hopeful.

And I got to see Wendy Liebman again.

If you aren’t familiar with Wendy’s comedy, please do yourself a favor and just immerse yourself. She is not only talented, but truly kind and supportive. It has been such a joy knowing her since first performing at Erma in 2016. There were so many things I wanted to say to her, like “sorry you got hit by a car” and “congrats on the new grandbaby”. I felt overwhelmed and there were so many people that I forgot all the things I wanted to say. But you know what she did? She asked about my mom. That meant so very much to me. What a lovely soul she is.

My inspiration was through the roof right from the start of the conference. I would go to a session and a whole world would open up. I went to an Improv session. “I’m doing Improv!!!” and then a podcast session. “I’m doing a podcast!!!”. I had lunch. “I’m going to be a sandwich maker!!!”.

Also, I had an epiphany.

I think it was the second day of the conference. A Friday.

I walked down a corridor at the university of Dayton and tried to figure out which room I was going to next. I didn’t have readers with me, so every session was an adventure. As I was walking down this hallway along a bank of windows, I realized something.

I’m not writing a book.

I’ve been pretty sure I was going to write a book for at least the past 50 years. You know, when the time is right. I’d get around to it. You betcha.

But I’m not. I’m not writing a book.

That does not mean I’m not going to write. I kind of have to. But I’m not writing a book. I am unbound by that. I don’t have to fret over a book anymore. I can let it go.

I don’t think the point of a writer’s workshop is to give up on your dreams.

Except, I didn’t give up on my dreams, I shifted them. I don’t have to write a book to write.

Also, this is going to be a great story to tell after I publish a book.

I am home in my bed with my phone, one of my cats and my laptop. I haven’t even turned on the TV.

I am exhausted.

And satisfied.

The Erma Bombeck Writer’s Workshop 2022 was held this weekend.

This only happens every two years. Due to the apocalypse, 2020 was virtual, and it’s been four years since seeing my friends in person.

I have a lot to say about this, but right now? I’m just going to tell you about the first 10 minutes.

Randy picked me up from work Thursday afternoon and we made the 30 minute drive north to Dayton, Ohio.

He dropped me off at the hotel. I went from excited to nervous. My anxiety clearly felt I was feeling too joyful and needed to step in. I wasn’t worried though, I was 4th in line at the check in counter and I’d be escaping to my room in no time.

Someone entered the lobby and got in line behind me.

Alan Zweibel.

Alan Zweibel was one of the original writers for Saturday Night Live.

He’s also done a shit ton of other things. He’s hilarious, engaging and genuine.

I remembered attending his session in 2016 and enjoyed hearing about his friendship with Gilda Radner. I wrote about him in 2016, I have a picture of him kissing my cheek. I was excited and then, throughout that weekend, I saw photographic evidence that Alan Zweibel kissed every single woman at the conference. I was going to title that post “Alan Zweibel is a Whore”, but I chickened out.  I didn’t think I was in any real danger that he would read my blog, but you never know.

I shushed my anxiety, said hello and introduced myself.

Alan Zweibel: You’re not going to believe what happened just now.

Me: Okay?

AZ: I got a text from the cab driver who was assigned to pick me up from the airport and her name was Gilda.

Me: Bullshit.

AZ: No, really. Look.

He showed me a text from the cab driver and her name was indeed Gilda. Then he showed me the texts between him and Laraine Newman about the cab driver. You know, just your typical afternoon.

AZ: I am going to take this as a sign that I’m getting into heaven.

Me: Ah, well, I probably won’t see you as I don’t think I get to go there.

AZ: Really? That’s a shame. Bad person?

Me: Either that, or it doesn’t exist.

AZ: I’ll tell you what, I will take you as my plus one.

Some people walked up and started talking to Alan, which was fine with me. They could interrupt our conversation, no worries. I had just secured a nice place for my afterlife. I had no complaints.

I checked into my hotel room. Hid for a bit and then proceeded to have an epic weekend.

Saturday evening was the final evening of the conference. Laraine Newman was the keynote speaker. Her stories were compelling and completely hilarious. Alan Zweibel introduced her.

Okay, I’m not going anywhere.

I just have a lot of events coming up over the next few weeks that will be severely eating into my “slug” time and will completely devour my “blogging” time.

I will catch you all up soon. Nothing earth shattering, just a short trip with my mother and a writing conference that I’ve been looking forward to for years now. I’m still afraid it’s going to be cancelled at the last minute.

Anyway, I hope you all are safe and happy.

We’re a month away from the midterms. Please check your registrations. Please take a friend with you to the polls.

Here’s a picture of Alfie and Gertie looking like they’re about to drop an album.