Am I overstating?
I mean, if we’re going to make comparisons, I’m sure as far as father’s go, there are some that make him look like a goddamn saint.
However, as far as fathers go, mine sucks.
For the first 5 or 6 years, he lured me into a world where I was a princess with my whole life ahead of me.
I was adored. I was precious. I ruled a world where I was content and happy.
My mom was a little scary, but that was cool, because my dad fucking rocked. My mother suffered from severe depression with suicidal ideologies. She is awesome now. I wish her life could have been different.
He took away the love and adoration. I spent the rest of my childhood into adulthood going “Wait, what?”
I spent decades wondering what I had done wrong. Why did he take his love away? What was wrong with me?
Then, I learned about parental narcissism. I learned that children take a well worn path. They have their role and they play their part.
I am not an expert in anything, but my father and I danced that dance like we were Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers.
I spent my earliest years being nothing more than a reflection of him.
As humans do, I became more self aware. I began developing a sense of self.
If you are child of a narcissist, then you know, developing a sense of self is a transgression the narcissistic parent will never forgive.
I stopped being a reflection of him. He saw this as a betrayal. Malignant narcissists never forget and never forgive a betrayal.
My life went from being revered to being told I was ugly and worthless. That the world would have been better had I never existed.
I think calling him the Boogeyman is fair.
He is fading so fast.
My dad is 82 years old and has congestive heart failure and COPD. He can walk a little bit before having to sit down. Like from the living room to the dining room.
He doesn’t really have his voice anymore. His voice sounds the way phlegm would sound if it could talk.
He falls down.
His skin has turned black in spots due to lack of oxygen.
He doesn’t eat much.
He smokes cigarettes and drinks soda.
The Boogeyman, my Boogeyman, isn’t scary anymore. He hasn’t been for years.
I feel sorry for him and I don’t think he will be here much longer.
Life is weird and hard.
I’m sorry that he wasted his life in bitterness, insecurity, and hatred. I’m sorry he chose to reject a relationship with 3 daughters who would have loved and cared for him.
I didn’t have a dad. I had a Boogeyman.
I have to think having a dad would have been better.
Image by Christian Supik (Fotografie) + Manuela Pleier (Design) from Pixabay
