Why would you want “All the tea in China”? I would think the storage issues alone would be a nightmare.
I haven’t worked on my book in weeks. I’ve been writing, but not the book. Why? I could make up all kinds of plausible reasons. But the exact truth is, I just haven’t worked on it. I’m not bored with it. I’m intimidated by it. What if I can’t finish? What if it’s no good? What if all this energy and wading through shit memories is a waste of time?
One of the things I struggled with the hardest when I discovered parental narcissism is the way it affects children and their ability to grow into functional adults. I struggled with how much of me was forced into a different mold. Writing about parental narcissism makes it difficult to tuck unpleasant or painful thoughts away.
If I had grown up with a father who loved me, encouraged me, and gave me a healthy basis for having adult relationships with other men, then I probably would be a completely different person now.
What if my life had been different?
So, without giving myself any time at all to ponder this, I just conjured the first image of how I see myself as “opposite Michelle”. I could have gone to horrible places if I compared myself from the perspective that my current existence is the preferable one. Instead, my mind went the other direction.
First of all, I am thinner. It’s night, but I can see the moon through a glass wall. All the walls in the back of the house are glass. The furnishings are sparse and the floors shine like mirrors. There is a fireplace encased in glass from all sides in the middle of the room. I am wearing gauzy lounge clothes and looking at waves crashing on the beach. I wonder if I would still find that comforting. Repetitive sounds. Almost like rocking back and forth, but something is doing it for you.
I assumed, immediately, that “opposite Michelle” was more successful that I am. How could she not be? I’m not a stupid person. I’m far from stupid. Unfortunately, most of my life, I have had to work to pull all my intelligence to the forefront by dragging it through ropy, clingy, tangled up beliefs that I am less and damaged and not capable. I’ve had my smarts hidden behind an inclination to make terrible and/or rash decisions. Mostly, I’ve been paralyzed by fear. Fear that I would be found out and people would know that I’m inherently wrong. They would find out that my basic substance is unpleasant and unformed.
“Opposite Michelle” would have none of those problems. Without those issues, she would have moved mountains.
Would she be kind? I know that one trait that many adult children of narcissists can have is an over developed sense of empathy and a feeling of responsibility to protect the feelings of others. All others. Being in charge of all humans feelings is thankless and goddamn exhausting. It would be great to let that go. But, isn’t that part of what makes me kind? Would “opposite Michelle” be kind?
If I really lived a different life, then I would have to be someone who may not in any way resemble who I am now.
Would I want that? Would I trade my current existence?
I wear Randy’s tee shirts and raggedy pajama bottoms to lounge in. My view is of a backyard that is sorely in need of clean up. The paint on our front door is blistered and peeled and neither Randy and I are overly particular when it comes to housekeeping. I mean, it’s not like we’re completely disgusting, but I did have a weed growing from my bathroom sink once. In my defense, the only person who ever uses that bathroom is the teenage boy, but still.
We aren’t fancy and while we live a mostly comfortable existence, we usually have the shadow of “we’re one car repair or broken water heater away from financial disaster” hovering over us.
Would I choose to change me?
Would I trade what I have now to live a more comfortable and secure life? One where my own brain didn’t constantly tell me how I suck?
Would I give up the absolute horror it was to go through three failed long term relationships?
Would I give up the fucking decades I have spent in a cubicle?
No way I’d have my exact kids. No way I would have met Randy. Even if “opposite Michelle” more closely paralleled my real life, enough would have changed that Randy and I wouldn’t have met. I had to go through every divorce and other bad decision I’ve ever made for Randy and I to meet.
I know this is silly. We don’t get to go back in time and choose a different path. I couldn’t possibly know who I would be now if my father hadn’t had his own mental illness to live with.
Even so, I had to ask myself. Would I choose to go down that other path if I were given the choice?
Not for all the tea in China.
It has taken me so long to reach a point in life where I actually kind of dig myself. Not all the time. Not enough of the time, but I’m getting there.
I love my family and I love our quirky rituals. I have friends that I would step in front of a bus for. “Opposite Michelle” would have never met them. I kind of feel sorry for all the other people who aren’t friends with my friends because they fucking rock like frozen crazy.
I wouldn’t change who I am. I wouldn’t take back the pain or the jobs or the financial shit storms. Every piece of my life has led me to this moment, and I have to say, I’m feeling content and slightly smug in this moment.
Randy and I are both broken in our own way, but it’s okay that we are. Because he takes over for my broken places and I take over for his.
But these aren’t the only reasons I wouldn’t change. Of course I would choose my children and my husband. Of course I would. But they aren’t the only reasons I wouldn’t switch places with “opposite Michelle”. I wouldn’t switch because she isn’t me and I am no longer willing to betray myself.
When we love someone, what is our natural inclination toward them? We want to defend them.
I want to defend me.
Who I am right now.
I would defend me.
I guess I should get back to writing the book.
“I know that one trait that many adult children of narcissists can have is an over developed sense of empathy and a feeling of responsibility to protect the feelings of others. ”
I just recently found out that this is what my mother has. It has truly opened my eyes and I have found a new level of comfort with who I am.
I am so glad you have found some comfort. It’s not always a pleasant journey, that’s for sure.
Powerful stuff. Your self-awareness is hard-won and beautifully expressed. When I eulogized my mother (who had her own life-long mental health issues) five years ago, I came to the same conclusion: without the bullshit she pulled during her life, I wouldn’t be who I am today (or even alive), and I kinda like my life and the people I’ve chosen to be in it. Thanks for sharing a terrific post.
Thank you so much! It was a hard realization to get to. I had to work through so much anger and resentment..but in the end, I would not choose to be ANYONE other than me.
Michelle, it is so beautiful that you would not change a thing. I believe all the experiences we have and decisions we make shape us into the people we are today. I come from an alcoholic family and know that even though it wasn’t always easy, I would not be the person I am today without that in my life. It took me almost 50 years to come to that, but I am finally there. Looking forward to your book but I can be patient.
Thank you so much. It has taken me years. And I will finish the book. If for no other reason, to just FINISH the damn thing. I’m about 40% done.
You’re BEAUTIFUL!! …and you’re right 🙂
(I always wanted to be those two things most of all.)
But the kind of beauty and right that I wanted to be were dictated by Daddy. Your ‘beauty’ and ‘right’ have been hard earned, and, as you pointed out, worthless if you hadn’t had the exposure to the ‘ugly’ and ‘wrong’ as dictated by your Father.
Worst part, for me? Realizing that I like/love who I fought so hard to become means I have to tell that asshole, “Thanks! For being the best asshole and the meanest person alive! If it wasn’t for your bullshit child rearing practices and sociopathological behavior in your other relationships, I wouldn’t have known how to become a better person than you.”
Yeah, probably gonna have to wave at him from Heaven, for that one.
After I had my fifth child, I had stopped talking to Doug (Father’s name…my psychosis is so deep seated that calling him ‘Dad’ makes me throw up a little and gives me a headache) a few years before that and I took it one step higher: Whatever Doug would have done for discipline or love, I was going to do the exact opposite with this child. It was too late for the first set, but I would incorporate my new theory with them, as well, there would just be some details to work out…like no more yelling/lecturing/haranguing words that beat them up rather than built them up – but I was determined to end the cycle, once and for all.
After all, I only knew how to parent as I had been parented, but it felt HORRIBLE!
It’s been a lloooonnngg 18 years, but this one seems to have turned out OK, so far. Yes, it helped to have a ‘good’ husband and devoted Daddy for this one. My ‘fake’ or ‘test’ husband had done a number on my older boys and me.
But, once again, my appreciation for my ‘real’ husband wouldn’t have been there if the first one would have been ‘appreciable.’
The issues my older boys face and the decision making systems they have in place are a combination of ‘healing and learning’ with me, a dash of normal boy rebellion and the pull of loving their own father while they find out he’s unlove-able. (Yup, married one just like Daddy…damn Freud)
Hard to watch…harder not to fix…hardest to forgive. Myself first.
Thank You, Michelle…for giving a voice to ‘mean people’ survivors. Thank you for taking time from your book to give me this tidbit of ‘me too.’ Most of all, Thank You for leading by example.
I don’t have to thank Doug, yet. It’s enough that I am aware that his performance HAD to be a part of who I am. I can Thank ME for being smart enough to make the change…and my boys – …Thank them everyday for loving me and coming back for more.
Carry on Brave Warrior for the Parental Narcissism Survivors…you have this minion in place 🙂
This means so very much to me. One of the HARDEST things in life for me to face is watching my own kids struggle with certain things because I was not prepared to guide them in a healthy way.
And yes..I have to acknowledge that my father’s existence and treatment of me made me who I am. I guess I could try appreciating that..but it grates. Oh man, does it grate.
After watching your ‘Listen to Your Mother’ clip, I think you’ve done better than you allow yourself to take credit for…here you go –
Michelle: 1,000,000
Father: 0 (or -1 …just for statistical purposes 🙂
Credit for the best job well done.
XOXOXOXO thank you!!!!!
It kills me that all our (Adult Children of Narcissists) experiences are so similar. My first husband also a Narcissist and our two adult children struggle. I am trying to do so much better with my “second set”. Now that I know how I was broken I am so much more aware of how I treat them. Thank you for sharing your story!
Thank you! And yes..while the circumstances are all very different, I think we all deal with some very similar issues. It’s good to not be alone in this.
I love this exercise! It’s such a good idea and maybe i”ll give it a try myself.
It was odd…because I had no idea I was this protective of myself. I never have been in the past. I think this is a good thing. 🙂
When I was in school my least favorite phrase was “show your work”, but when I read something like this I can see the value of it. You didn’t just automatically leap to the conclusion that you wouldn’t trade your life for your doppelganger’s. You showed us how you reached that conclusion. You walked us through it.
That’s why your book is gonna be fantastic and why it will be helpful to others who’ve dealt with similar problems.
Thank you so much, my friend. 🙂
My favourite line: I wouldn’t switch because she isn’t me and I am no longer willing to betray myself.
If we all came to that realization, the world would be a much better place.
Just like you. Keep writing, chick!
I just have to mean that EVERY DAY now. I don’t think I am there yet, but I am working on it. Thank you so much.
i like the product placement. i hope they paid you for that. was going to say hope they gave you something for that, but would have just gone downhill from there.
Hahahha..no. No payment of any kind.
The majority of the time, I wouldn’t change a thing, but there are some days where I’d give anything to be filthy stinkin rich and have my bed already made. But if I had those things, I probably wouldn’t be me, probably wouldn’t have met my husband or had my kids. Nice post. Very thought provoking.
Thank you! Those are the same conclusions I met. 🙂
Yup…money may not buy happiness, but I’ll try on a paid-for smile any day 🙂
Hahha..yes..it’s not like I’d turn away cash.
You are my favorite teacher and I love reading about your experiences. There is a gratitude newly discovered to realize there are others whose relationship to themselves was broken early by their narcissistic parents. I still wish that I had whole, well parents that nurtured me and I lived without depression and PTSD-C and lived up to the potential my intelligence could have provided. If Marley’s ghost came to show me the life that could have been I would happily accompany him. I also wish that I learned my brokenness was due to narcissistic parents when I was first hospitalized at 23 and not at 50. But I hope to evolve. I hope to one day accept myself and all the decisions I’ve made. Have no regrets. Certainly I am much better now. Changes happen gradually when faced with uncomfortable situations. And I do love myself and will defend myself. Thank you. Please keep writing!
Thank you for writing. Thank you so much. I wish you nothing but peace. I too wish I had learned this years ago, but that was not how my life worked. I want to move forward with as little bitterness as possible. I already have a resting bitch face. haha. I would like to ease that up a little.
It is always enticing to skip down the road of what ifs but if what is is good I think it better to keep that road in good working order like you are doing now!
Thank you! That DOES seem to be the wisest course of action.
What a great post – thank you so much. We share alot of the same sh*t. A friend once told me – “if you were to be in a room, with a table in the middle, and everyone put all their sh*t on the table, and then everyone could choose what they wanted to take off the table as their own, everyone would want to pick up their own sh*t again.”. It’s true. It’s what has made us who we are today, and all that ain’t so bad. It’s actually all quite ok. Deep bow of gratitude to you-
OMG I LOVE this. Your friend is so right. I would definitely take my own shit. And thank you!
Shiiit..now I HAVE to give you my’Shit Pie’ analogy.
When you are handed Shit Pie and you have to divvy it up, some people are going to choose the piece that tastes like shit and some people are going to pick the piece that tastes like shit. And nobody is going to understand why anybody would take the piece that smells like shit because it’s obvious that the piece that tastes like shit is better…and vice versa.
All of life’s hard decisions boil down to this, seems. Needless to say, My shit don’t stink, but it tastes bad and Doug can’t understand why I’m so happy with my shitty life.
Because I don’t eat for the taste…F****r.
OOps…first part should say, one piece SMELLS and the other piece TASTES…screwed up my perfect analogy of life…in public.
Shit.
That DOES clarify it.
HAHAHHA…I LOVE IT!
I’m pretty sure I’d pick my own shit again too. It may not be pretty, but it’s mine.
I can’t wait to buy your book Michelle.
Oh THANK YOU sugar pop!
Perfect is boring. Damaged is exhausting but truly entertaining. Most of the time.
And then I think it’s safe to say you have a good number of people who are enjoying your damaged self. That probably makes us selfish bastards, but still.
And we demand that book.
Thank you! And yes..I am back at it.
Wow, great article. My mom was NPD and I can’t tell you how similar our experiences are, right down to the overdeveloped empathy.
I’m an author, too, but I write fiction. I can’t imagine writing about something this personal, but I will tell you this… when you publish it, I will buy it. Good luck! 🙂
Thank you..honestly, MOST of the book is humor..I just needed a framework. So, it’s not all funny. How the fuck can you make parental narcissism funny? hahha…because that is some unfunny shit.
It is. My best advice? When you’re not being funny, be as honest as you can be. I don’t know about you, but my ability to deny a problem and lie to myself so I thought I was telling the truth to others was truly insane. I still struggle with just being completely honest, and when I can be, it’s incredibly liberating. Be sure that everything you’re saying is completely honest, and that will balance out nicely with the humor.
Can’t wait to read it!
YES!!! OMG I know exactly what you are saying. I have been living as honestly as possible for a number of years now and it is so freeing. Of course, people think I’m weird, but I’m okay with that.
That “what if” thing can be a tricky game.
But I just want to throw this out there…you and I have never met…will probably never meet. But just knowing you through your blog has enriched my life. Thank you for being THIS Michelle. You’re way cool.
I LOVE you!! Thank you!
Also? Nice boots.
Definitely my favorite purchase this year
Wow, thank you for this. I really appreciate it, and as an adult child of a Narcissist and a Borderline, I’m thankful that you articulated this so well. It’s only been in the past month or so that I’ve looked around and said, “I really enjoy my life, and wouldn’t trade it for another.”
It’s so nice to reach that place, isn’t it?
“I want to defend me.
Who I am right now.
I would defend me.”
F’ing awesome!
Thank you! And it is very nearly true!!!
Goddammit Michelle. You have me crying. This is epically beautiful. I think about this kind of thing all the time. And I usually come to the conclusion that no, I wouldn’t go back because I have my husband, my kids, my friends. All that is worth every bit of bullshit I’ve been through. So I was with you as I was reading this. Then, “I wouldn’t switch because she isn’t me and I’m no longer willing to betray myself.” And I am crying. You are amazing, you know that? Truly fucking amazing.
Thank you…and don’t cry, sugar pop..you’ll ruin your makeup. 🙂
Sometimes I used to feel bad that I never visited my parents, except when I had to.
Then I felt bad for resenting having to care for them. I probably gave them the same kind of caring as they gave me, but I did my best. and I guess they did,too.
I felt bad for being relieved that my always-angry father died in the hospital instead of coming back home as an invalid.
I made a decision to go across the country for a family gathering when my mom was declining (I had been her caretaker for 8 years). She couldn’t have made the journey, but I didn’t stay home. I felt bad that I didn’t grab a plane and fly right home when they called me that she had died.
Reading your piece helped me realize that I shouldn’t feel bad, because I was taking care of myself. Each time, I was being the person I made myself into.
You really shouldn’t feel bad. I’m glad you came to that conclusion. We’re all doing the best that we can. Peace to you.
I have a similar mental dance I do about a poor decision I made when I was 15: I learned to play guitar on a right-handed instrument when I am left-handed. That decision probably did limit my overall progress on the instrument. Then I think of all of the songs and music I wrote in the thirty-plus years I’ve been playing, and it occurs to me that none of them would have happened if I had become the different player I would have become on a left-handed instrument. This may seem like a somewhat shallow comparison, but I still see some of those songs as the high points of my existence…
Your book will kick all of the ass, and those boots make you look like you have the feet of a goddess.
Not gonna lie, I do have awesome feet. Haha.
I don’t think it’s a shallow comparison at all, I think it’s a good one and is exactly what I mean. 🙂
Another fantastic post from you where you eloquently nail so many facets of what it’s like when you were raised by narcissistic parents. I keep saying, “oh, my god, you too?” It’s so comforting to know that I’m not alone. I can’t wait for your book. Trust that whatever you feel the need to write will be healing to so many people.
Thank you SO MUCH! And you are most certainly not alone. 🙂
This rings so true for me, as well. I used to spend so much time wondering who I would have been if only: my parents hadn’t gotten divorced, my mother hadn’t married my stepfather, they hadn’t been violent alcoholics, I’d gotten to live with my father and stepmother instead, my mother hadn’t been mentally ill…on and on and on.
Now?? Like you, I wouldn’t trade any of it.
All the things I used to be ashamed of? I’m glad for them.
I will have to think about the ‘ashamed’ thing. Maybe I need to be glad for them as well. I hadn’t considered that.
“Every piece of my life has led me to this moment,”
I said something like that in my wedding vows. 🙂 Not everyone appreciates that life lesson. Those who do are, in a way, lucky.
Write your book for you, it may be less intimidating.
Or write it for Oposited Michelle, so she can be inspired by your strength and humor. The poor woman has obviously made some bad choices. Who wants to have to clean all those windows all the time?
That is lovely. Randy and I were couple number 8 at the courthouse in Wichita KS, so we didn’t have special vows. Haha
That’s beautiful. You give me hope for my children. Reproducing with a narcissist induces a really special kind of guilt.
Thank you! and I am so sorry for you and your kids. I hope you can find a way to let go of the guilt. We all do the best we can. I wish you peace.
I haven’t blogged for over a month… Serious attack of the why bothers… And just the other night I was saying how if I could go back to a point 20 years ago I would change a choice I made… And my kids would get to have another mother ( they’re adopted and deserve way better than what they got)… So I guess I’m not as zen as you… And I do love a cup of tea
My Zen didn’t come without a lot of kicking and screaming. And it comes and goes. Haha.
I also grew up in a functioning dysfunctional family with a functioning sociopathic father and an overwhelmed mother and they were both self absorbed so I was on my own from early on- to choose my form. I chose me. Always me. I am good and kind and worth the world. I always thought I mattered. I refused to be molded by them. They taught me what NOT to be/think/feel. Was I defiant? No. I gave them only enough to forget I was in the room- easy. I’m sitting here nodding my head and giving you a little wink. I think you have the secret key.
Thank you so much for sharing. It took me a LOT longer to chose me (i’m still learning how to do that).
I have no trouble with the “what if” game. I married a con man. A sociopath. It didn’t last long, but it changed my life – a lot. Then while getting out of the hell of PTSD, legal issues and all the mess he made, I made a study of sociopaths. With all this new insight it came to me my mom has some of the traits of a mild case of narcissism. (Not of a sociopath – THAT is a whole other ball of wax!). My sister and I agree about our mom. I’ve now unveiled many sociopaths. And a few narcissists. – At work, among a few acquaintances. They do walk the streets freely. In addition, I support a co-worker, a friend or a stranger – in person – recognize and escape a sociopath on average once per week. I don’t mean to… it just comes up. I write the blog, FB page, all the social media, I’m writing a book too… 2 books actually and the screenplay is stewing on the back burner. — I was an actor, a write, a creative all my life – I have a multimedia and a journalism degree, so this is very natural. In fact – my bout with a sociopath brought out my true self. I have taken the experience and turned it into mission. Within the Buddhism I practice (the same one Tina Turner used to assert her real self and overcome Ike Turner) this nifty phenomenon is called “turning karma to mission.” I suspect you’re doing the same thing. Great job. Keep it up. We all need you as the you, you are. Write that damn book.
I have researched the shit out of this. Honestly, my father would probably (at least he would have before he got brain damaged) been diagnosed as a sociopath. I have worked with narcissists and/or sociopaths. They shake me to my core but I do find them fairly easy to identify. Thank you so much for writing…I love hearing from people who “get” it. Horrifying though it is.
So sorry you were married to a sociopath. It’s kind of funny because no more than 5 minutes ago, I was discussing my second husband with a coworker. He’s dead now, but when he was alive, he was at the very least a narcissist…but in retrospect, I wonder if he might have been a sociopath. He had zero empathy. Zero. He could pretend…but when you marry someone like that, you end up seeing through the charade.
Michelle,
Sounds like you got it together, girl. I wouldn’t worry. As for your book, I feel your pain. I’m done with a novel and about to show it to the world. I cringe even though I’m starting with a friend or two who I know will be kind (I hope). Sometimes we’re our own worst enemies. Have to just keep going.
You are so right. Because the alternative is just unacceptable. I have to keep going. 🙂
AND GOOD LUCK!! OMG how exciting!
there is that folk tale about the wise person who was tired of everyone complaining to her about their troubled lives. She invited them all to come together and hang their troubles on a tree. They were then invited to take up someone else’s bag of troubles.
Everyone left with their own.
I’m in the process of starting a blog about resilience and post traumatic growth. I want to write about abuse but worry about the legal implications. What are the laws about blogging about things that have happened in a persons life?
I have no idea. I mean, if you commit libel, then you could probably be sued, but I think you have a right to tell your stories. I never name any names and I’ve changed certain things to remove any similarities to an actual person, but other than that, my stories are my stories and I just haven’t worried about any legal issues.
I have gone through that entire thought process in my head so many times. In the end I always come to the same conclusion. I don’t think I’d change anything. I turned out okay. I think you did, too.
Thank you. It feels good to come to that conclusion.
“Mostly, I’ve been paralyzed by fear.” You and me both, sister. But unlike you, if I could magically live my life over again – self-confident, loved, and brave – I would do it in a heartbeat. But only if I could still have my kids. If the only way to have my kids was to repeat all of the shit in my life, I’d do it all again – because they are worth it. Although I am starting to really like myself now that I’m practically an old woman, I get so disheartened at times to realize that, while I may have dealt with many of my issues and perhaps finally figured out what I want in my life – I only have a limited time in which to do it. I get frustrated that I wasn’t brave enough to deal with things earlier and wasted so much of my life on unworthy men, friends, and jobs.
OMG I KNOW!!!
I try to not think too much about that. I mean, none of us are guaranteed any amount of time. I’m just going to live and be as true to myself as I can.
Were both of your parents narcissists? My mom was, but my dad was my saving grace . For all that my mom tried to knock me down, my dad lifted me higher. I wonder if it’s always different depending on which parent is the narcissist and if the other is aware/strong enough to do damage control.
No, just my dad. My mom is wonderful. I have to think it makes a difference and I feel so bad for people who have TWO narcissistic parents. That has to be hell