I did not know that when I got this far into the middle years that I would be learning a new dance.
Not that I am adverse to learning new dances. I love dancing. I still kind of want to learn how to tap dance. Randy and I dance all the time. Just not as long as we used to. Also, our bones make some scary ass noises.
The nocturnal twist, however, is a shitty fucking dance.
Finished with menopause?
A few years ago, when I went for my yearly lady doctor exam, the nurse read my chart and told me I was post menopausal. Post. Like, finished with it.
I was not happy. I didn’t mind turning fifty. I’m not worried about turning 55 next month, but I fucking hated being told I was post menopausal. That just sounds old, man.
Anyway, since I am post menopause, I thought that meant smooth sailing from here on out.
You know, the worst of the hormonal eruptions were behind me. I could settle into cronehood, serene and wise. I would no longer get those ridiculous zits on my chin and my left boob. I would finally sleep again. My mood swings wouldn’t get quite so much air.
I was mistaken.
Actually, the zits are gone. I didn’t really consider this until I started writing this post, but it’s been months, maybe even a year since I’ve had a zit.
Reasonably sure I will have mount Vesuvius on my chin in the morning.
My mood swings are more calm. Not gone or anything, but definitely better. My Xanax prescription doesn’t have to be filled quite so often.
The sleep thing, though. Fucking hell. Is this how it goes?
We just never get a good night’s sleep ever ever ever ever again?
Such bullshit. You know who needs their sleep? Fucking old people. Old people with jobs which require deep concentration. We need sleep.
One thing I was super happy about, was getting through menopause without the horrifying night sweats and hot flashes. I did have some wicked hot flashes, but I managed. No night sweats, though.
Turns out, the hot flashes and night sweats don’t have the same understanding of “post menopause” as I do.
A few weeks ago, I woke up in the middle of the night and was terribly confused. My arm, face and hair were soaked. My first thought was “waterbed” but I haven’t had a waterbed since 1987. Then, I thought one of the cats peed on me.
Nope. I was just sweaty. Which doesn’t really cover it. I was sweaty like I had been playing volleyball in the sun and then spent 20 minutes in a sauna. This certainly adds a few new steps to the nocturnal twist.
The moves are basically taking the covers off because you’re dying of heat, and then 10 minutes later putting them back on because you’re freezing to death. Throw in a few spins on the 3 to 4 trips to the bathroom because your bladder has apparently shrunk to the size of a walnut. And now, sometimes you have to change all your clothes because you even sweated through your underwear.
Also, there is shimmying back and forth, trying to get that itch on your back that you can’t quite reach. Don’t forget to randomly kick your feet in frustration because the alarm is going to go off in 2 hours and 56 minutes and you haven’t been able to fall asleep yet.
Which brings us to just a few minutes ago, after I took a shower and asked Randy for his help.
Me: My skin is dry as fuck. It kept me up last night. Will you put lotion on my back?
Randy: Is it that sticky lotion?
Me: No, it’s the other lotion.
It was totally the sticky lotion.
Me: Shit. This is going to be cold. Could you warm the lotion up in your hand first?
So, Randy squirted the lotion onto his hand and immediately applied it to my back.
Me: Not better. Not better. Dude! You have to warm it up in your hand first.
I looked to my left and could see him in the dresser mirror standing behind me with a big ass grin on his face.
Me: Asshole! You like that part!
Randy did not respond, however, I could see in the mirror that has grin had gone from “shit eating” to “full on Cheshire cat”.
Randy: That was the sticky lotion.
Me: I can’t believe you like putting cold lotion on my back.
Randy: I enjoy bringing excitement into your life.
I have to hand it to Randy, though. He has his own insomnia issues. There are nights he gets out of bed at midnight and stays up the rest of the night. He does sleep sometimes, though. I have no idea how he manages to sleep when I’m doing the nocturnal twist all night long.
Photo courtesy of Matheus Bertelli