Or not. Who knows?
I read about how rapidly species are dying out. I read about how we’re destroying the planet by mining for fossil fuels that are also destroying the planet. We have diseases that are wiping out people by the thousands and swimming in the ocean is eating our faces off. We are eating weed killer and snack cakes and watching television instead of moving.
We might have gotten here at the end.
If we did? Who fucking cares? It’s still goddamn cool as hell to be alive.
If we did get here at the end, look at what we got! I mean, just the fact that we got here in time for movable type is worth the price of admission. Which, I guess is death. But still. Books!
We have centuries of information at our finger tips and some of us are lucky enough to have access to clean drinking water.
I know that there are horrible things at work here as well. I know we are brutal and cruel and selfish. Humans can be real assholes. I can’t change that, though. I can’t make people be kind or generous or gentle. I am going to try very hard to focus less on the horror of modern life. I can’t change it. The best I can do is acknowledge and cut down on the times I am brutal and cruel and selfish.
What’s the point of bemoaning what we’ve lost and how we suck?
Disclaimer: I am not advocating that we stop trying to affect change. Of course we should continue to push for improvement.
Our time on earth is brief and that is something I struggle with. I don’t want to go. Even though I have dealt with anxiety and depression doesn’t mean I don’t want to be here. Being alive rocks like frozen crazy.
Maybe it’s more freeing to accept that our time is short and to spend each moment being grateful that we got to experience that moment.
It occurred to me yesterday how silly it is for me to continue to worry about things that are meaningless when you consider the time we have here on earth. For instance, I let outside forces dictate my mood much of the time. I realize that I shouldn’t do this. I realize that it would be healthier for me mentally to not allow someone else’s bad mood change my mood.
For years, my mood was dictated every day by my son who was struggling with addiction. It’s not a stretch to say that most of those days my mood was sad or anxious or filled with despair. It’s been over two years since he stopped using, but to this day, if I see him or speak with him and he’s unhappy, then I am profoundly unhappy and I can’t just shake it off.
I spoke with him yesterday and he was heading in to start his new job. He sounded light and care free and my mood was light and care free when I hung up the phone. Again, it’s not great to let other people dictate my mood, but how about this? I accept that I do and I’m going to feel grateful for feeling light and carefree. Why fuck up a good mood with reasons why being in that good mood is mentally unhealthy?
Of course it would benefit me to continue to work toward letting this behavior go. It’s exhausting to be constantly blown about by other people’s emotions. I know the stronger I get, the more even my head will be. Until then, though, I’m not going to feel guilty about being happy because people I love are happy. That’s just silly. Feeling happy and content are hot commodity emotions for me, I’m not squandering them by questioning whether or not the emotions are valid.
I’m writing this because I’ve been afraid lately. I try to avoid much of the news because it disturbs me, but other people talk about what they’re reading or I break down and read something disturbing even though I know it will bother me. There is just so much happening that doesn’t bode well for humans.
I don’t like being afraid, so I am deciding to keep finding happiness and beauty and humor where I can. I don’t think this is a bad idea for all of us. I’m not suggesting we stand on our roofs while playing our fiddles, but we might as well be as happy as we can be while we are here.