I didn’t watch much of the impeachment hearings. Mostly, I read the transcripts. My anxiety gets too great when I listen to them speak.
For instance, I go great lengths to not hear the president’s stupid voice.
I did, however, have a revelation while listening to a little bit of “Gym” Jordan and Devin “Cowman” Nunes scream their way through the hearings.
What a super satisfying job they have. To be able to go to work and just scream nonsense.
And get paid! Who wouldn’t want a job like that?
I could do that! I’d be good at it. Only, I wouldn’t scream what they screamed. I’d have way more fun.
When it was my turn to ask questions, I’d hit them with the hard questions.
WHY DON’T WE HAVE CLOTHES MADE OUT OF ANTS?
Well, Michelle, that really isn’t focus here.
WHO TOOK MY WONDER WOMAN UNDERWEAR?
This is ridiculous, Michelle. Do you have any actual questions?
YES, I HAVE QUESTIONS. OF COURSE I HAVE QUESTIONS. THAT’S WHY WE ARE HERE.. MY QUESTION IS THIS: WHAT IS MY NEXT QUESTION? WHY WON’T YOU TELL ME WHAT MY NEXT QUESTION IS? THE AMERICAN PEOPLE DESERVE TO KNOW WHAT I’M THINKING. WHY ARE YOU OBSTRUCTING ME?
I don’t even know what to say right now.
IF WE CAN PUT A MAN ON THE MOON, WHY CAN’T WE KEEP CEREAL CRISPY IN MILK?
If we could just move on.
I DON’T CARE WHO SHOT JFK, BUT WE NEED TO KNOW WHO THE BABUSHKA LADY WAS.
Okay, you are done.
WHO LET THE DOGS OUT?
I can’t even imagine how good I would feel when I came home from work at the end of the day.
Randy would ask me how my day was and I would say, “I just screamed stupid shit. It was amazing.”
I’d probably still be too tired to cook dinner, though.
Also, I think in the future, all history textbooks in America should be titled What the Shuddering Fuck Happened in 2016?
In all seriousness, if you did catch any of the impeachment hearings and you did get to hear Jordan and Nunes spout their nonsense, then perhaps you would be inclined to support their challengers in the next election. Because there is no doubt that they must go.
Shannon Freshour is running against Jim Jordan. You know, the guy who turned a blind eye while children he should have been protecting were raped. The guy who doesn’t own a jacket and looks like he could play the bad guy’s dad in every John Hughes movie.
Phil Arballo is running against Devin Nunes. If he defeats him, then it’s not only good for all of us, but it will give Devin Nunes more time to file lawsuits against imaginary cows and more time to attack the press. Everyone wins!!
I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving.
And if you don’t celebrate, I still hope Thursday is awesome for you.
I will be spending days with the grandkids and all our kids will be in the same room for the first time in nearly 9 years.
Photo courtesy of Free-Photos.