Starting my third week of the new job and I only felt like puking a little bit today. Anxiety is still kicking my ass, but I am reasonably sure that it’s losing some of it’s stamina.
We had my extended Christmas party with family on Saturday night and then on Sunday, drove to Randy’s home town in Indiana to visit his sisters, niece, nephews and their assorted spawn.
On the way home, we stopped to see Priscilla, Queen Of The Cubicle.
We’ve been friends for years now and this is a first. We rarely do things outside of work together. By rarely, I mean it’s happened twice. Three times if you count that one quick drink we had at the dive bar down the street from work. But we’ve never visited each other’s house.
By the time we got to Priscilla’s we had been two hours into our 3.5 hour trip home. We were tired, but it was nice to see her. Priscilla and I exchange gifts. Mostly, she gives me fabulous gifts and I give her terrible gifts.
One year, I got her a Justin Beiber singing toothbrush. Another year, I made her an anal bleaching kit and last year, I got her a horse toilet paper holder.
It’s not like she never got even. My fiftieth birthday came and my entire cubicle had been Beibered. There was a Justin pinata, stickers, back stage passes and cupcakes with ‘I heart Justin’ signs in them. There was even a life size Justin cut out.
I was more kind this year. Kind of.
We exchanged gifts Sunday.
We actually met her at her friend’s house. We spent a few scant moment with introductions and getting the general insults out of the way. Then we sat on the couch and opened our presents. We had only been sitting there a few minutes when we were assaulted.
Oh holy shit. Fucking hell. What the fuck is that smell?
Her friend has a big black dog that was sitting at the end of the couch and apparently he is routinely fed putrid, rotting woodchucks because there was no other reasonable explanation for the stench.
Which reminds me of the conversation Randy and I had on the way to his sister’s that morning. We had been in the car a couple hours when a truck passed us. The side of the truck said ‘Specialty car transport’.
Randy: I wonder what is in there?
Me: Cars.
Randy: That’s like saying all dogs are dogs.
Me:..
Me: Dude, all dogs are dogs.
Me: Perhaps you meant to word that differently.
Randy, trying not to smile: <crickets>
He always just smiles and says nothing when he realizes he has just said something kind of dumb. It’s the closest he will get to admitting he just said something kind of dumb.
But I digress.
Priscilla is not a fan of clowns. By not a fan, I mean they creep her the fuck out. Because I care about her and want to help her with her irrational fear, I got her a red clown nose. That way, she can put it on and look at herself in a clown nose until it’s not creepy anymore.
I’m like a saint, really.
She got me stickers that say ‘fuck’ on them, some awesome t-shirts and a huge book of Doctor Who trivia. I can’t wait to torture Randy with the Doctor Who quizzes.
I didn’t JUST get her a clown nose. I also got her a bathrobe with a unicorn horn on the hood because who doesn’t want to be a unicorn?
Fuck. Seriously. What are you feeding your dog? I just felt the enamel melt off my teeth.
Last year, she got me a big calendar filled with Robert Downey Junior pictures. Before I left my job, I told her at least a million times to come back to my cubicle to see November. November RDJ was amazing. She never did. So, I cut that one out and framed it for her. In a way, she kind of paid for her own present.
We didn’t stay long. We still had over an hour to get home and we’re old and get tired easy. Besides, another blast from the big black dog and that clown nose probably would have begged to come home with me.
It was good to see her. I miss her like crazy. Don’t tell her I said that though, she’ll call me a sissy.
So what did that dog eat? Or was it that he had never been bathed? I loved reading about your gifts. I think you and I would be great friends if we ever met. But that will never happen because God Forbid, one trip to Ohio was enough.
Hahah..not a fan of Ohio then? Meh..can’t blame you, really.
I have no idea what the dog ate. He was clean though. Very sweet.
I’ve been going to blog about my dog does that at any time for no apparent reason… Tries to kill us with oxygen deprivation I mean… When it’s an especially toxic emission, even she leaves the room.
I am surprised I didn’t gag..seriously..it was horrible
I know I say this all the time—but SISTER YOU ARE SO FLIPPING TALENTED and I devour your posts like I….in the same way I…see? I dont gots your way with words 🙂 lets just say I love.
and Id want a framed pic of justin timberlake circa 1990 🙂 but apparently I have to buy you the calendar first.
I don’t care if you say it all the time. I LOVE it. Are you kidding? I admire you and your talent so much. These compliments are precious to me. I have a framed picture of Liam Neeson in my living room…but that’s only because it’s funny when people see it the first time.
I like Priscilla and I think your tradition is hilarious! I bow to your creativity in gift giving. I can only aspire to reach those heights!
We definitely have fun with it..
the gifts are hilarious. What fun you guys have just thinking them up!
Haha..it’s painful! Usually, I’ll make notes of things throughout the year..
Happy holidays!
In my opinion, dogs have two kinds of farts. The first kind you experienced where they cook up a particularly pungent cloud of awfulness specifically to get rid of unwanted houseguests intruding on their territory. The second kind is totally unplanned and as far as a dog is concerned shouldn’t happen ever. It’s why they looked so shocked and start chasing their own ass when they do an unplanned toot.
Hahha…maybe that we it! He was trying to get rid of us.
You’re evil, darling. But in the best possible way.
That is usually true..but I occasionally run around in the dark side
Those are the best kind of friendships. If you can’t get each other Justin Bieber toothbrushes, what is the point, really?
Exactly!!! And I didn’t even PAY for the toothbrush. I regifted a gag gift. It was an all around win.
Ha ha ha, shame you hadn’t seen the delightful array of Christmas clown baubles beforehand eh?
Right?? That was the FIRST thing I thought when I saw that!
I’m glad you’re staying in touch with Priscilla, but I laughed out loud (I typed it out, so you know I didn’t just LOL, I really laughed) when I read the dog part. Thankfully the two dogs I live with are more belchers than farters.
Yeah..it made my eyes water..
I’m so glad you got to see your friend. It’s important to make sure you keep in touch so the insults don’t run dry.
Oh hell yes..we have to keep this shit sharp!
i laughed through this whole thing, well not the anxiety kicking your ass part though. fucking anxiety!
normally not a fan of the gag/prank gift, however that’s funny shit right there.
i’ve been a vegetarian for 20 yrs. my family (not a fan) sends me some kind of meat related humor every year might be a card, pork flavored toothpicks or ham jelly beans.
it’s stupid every single year. waste of money.
they think it’s HILARIOUS.
i stand there going… yea i don’t really get it.
you’d think they’d give up by now. sadly no.
i wonder if it would be funny if i sent them boxes of douches and vibrators…… haaaaa off to shop amazon.com!
See? Now you’re getting it!!! Do it!!
It’s good that you have a friend like that. In a lot of ways, I miss one of my previous jobs because of the people I worked with, but not because of the job itself…at all…ever. Stickers that say “Fuck” are awesome. Put them on folders at work and watch people enjoy them (or recoil in fear).
I’m not quite ready to unleash the ‘fuck’ stickers…but I will..I will.
Hahaha I effing love ya’lls gifts to each other. How hilarious. I always get my BFF birthday cards in Spanish, or a creepily sweet little girl’s card (“for our precious angel…”) LOL
Ha! Awesome! My son got me a birthday card meant for a great grandmother. The little bastard.
I love people who are creeped the fuck out by clowns. I had a small part in a low budget film as a clown sitting in a bar muttering about how people always look at him like he’s crazy and he falls asleep each night with the barrel of a gun in his mouth.
If I knew Priscilla I know what I’d get her for Christmas.
What always baffles me about dog farts is that dogs have noses that are a million times more sensitive than ours, but they’re never bothered by those death bombs they release.
Hahahha…yeah…just telling Priscilla about that would make her call me a bunch of bad names.
This is hilarious, I love your tradition and you are SO creative!
I am terrified of clowns too, will have to try the nose.
Oh my…the dog. Ewww
Thank you!! It’s always a good time.
This is so much fun! I’d rather do gag gifts than the usual ho hum Christmas gifts any day. I don’t know if my kids would be so keen on the idea though. Great post! And so glad to hear you’re feeling a little better! 🙂
Thank you! I am feeling better..have a ways to go..but am grateful that it’s looking up.
You two should exchange gifts at least monthly so we can read about it. 🙂
You are INDEED a saint. And I think I need that robe.
Thinkgeek.com and it can be yours!
Too too too funny! I have never seen a unicorn robe. I am not a big fan of the clown either and the red nose is like aversion therapy. You clearly reinforce my idea that dogs should only be invited to outside parties. Sure they can crash a party but some smelly expulsions and they should be banished to another part of the house.
Hahha..yep..that’s what I call it..aversion therapy. I usually post a scary clown picture and tag her on FB at least once a week. I even have other people helping me with it.
I nominated you for a Liebster award in today’s blog post: http://wp.me/p4eZuF-NF Just payin’ it forward to blogs I love & yours is one! 🙂
Oh thank you so much!!
I love that you made her an anal bleaching kit. Not just gave her an anal bleaching kit, MADE her one.
Also it wouldn’t be at all fair for her to call you a sissy because I don’t know how it’s possible NOT to miss anyone who’s awesome enough to give you an entire year’s worth of RDJ.
hahahah! Well..actual anal bleaching kits are expensive..so it was cotton balls, peroxide, a made up label in a lunch box with a big pink kiss on it.
I think dogs enjoy torturing us. That’s just disturbing!
haha..well..he did torture us.
I love the gifts you give each other – absolute gold !!!!
One of our dogs torture us like that – and I scream and shout like a banshee – I absolutely hate it. The funny thing is that they both eat the same food but Rosie is just awful when she lets one rip. Often she will sit down, let it rip, and then just get up and walk away with a look of complete indignation on her face.
Thanks for making me laugh Lovely Lady xox
I’m glad I made you laugh!
Haha! I like Priscilla and I totally agree clowns freak me the fuck out! Hate them!!!!! The perfect gift from you!
I was quite proud of it
Your post brought back memories……all the on purpose dysfunctional Christmas presents. So much fun. I must start that again. We use to do a dysfunctional Yankee swap. Nothing is funnier than seeing friends and family members fighting over a giant salami.
I can imagine! The joy that must bring. HAHAHAH
Haha – hysterical! A homemade anal bleaching kit? Did you present it in a lovely rustic gift basket with a raffia bow and a mason jar to hold the bleach? ‘Cause you could totally Pinterest that shit. LOL
It wasn’t that fancy. It was cotton balls and peroxide in a black lunch box with a pink kiss on it. And a home made label. I forget what it said, though.
Damn girl, I drop off the face of the earth for only two days and you bring back Priscilla. I had hoped we hadn’t heard the last of her…
My sister-in-law got me those high-heeled slippers as a gag gift one year and I thought of Priscilla when you were giving gifts and her affinity for slut shoes. Something to consider for next month (Agree with Foxy on this).
Hahaha…high heeled slippers are PERFECT for Priscilla!
Our younger dog farts all the freaking time. When she stretches. When she sleeps. When she walks by. When it smells so bad she half tucks her tail and slinks out of the room to save her own life. LOL
hahaha…ew..
Hah! Great minds think alike! Just today I posted (well, re-posted) The Pooch Patoot in my new post. I did NOT read this post first, I swear. It’s like we share one crazy mind, sister!
I just read it…that’s awesome!