We all have a core group of stories that we’ve collected over the years, right? You know, something you can tell other people when you’re trying to break the ice or perhaps something funny to share when you’re drinking with friends.
There are ratings assigned to the stories, like ‘appropriate for all ages’ or ‘job interview anecdotes’ or ‘only tell your close friends when you’re kind of drunk’.
This one isn’t NC 17 or anything, but it’s at least an R rating.
This happened way back in the early 90s, so it’s old, but it does have staying power.
I was at a wedding reception at a bar in Cincinnati that was very trendy and has since been torn down. The bride and groom were friends with the owner and pretty much had the most bad ass reception I’ve ever attended.
I sat at a large round table with people I worked with and we proceeded to drink ourselves silly. Some more than others. The girl sitting next to me looked green. Pretty sure she was one shot of tequila away from puking on her red leather dress.
I would save the day! Crackers! All she needed was to eat a few crackers!
Our waitress had been quite attentive through out the evening, but was she around when we needed her? Nope.
No problem. I was there early helping them set up and I knew where the supply room was. There were crates of crackers in the supply room.
I went to the supply room and I found our waitress.
She was on her knees in front of a cop and she was..well..she was doing something to him.
These are things I should have done:
- Quietly back out of the room and shut the door behind me.
- Look for crackers elsewhere.
- Pretend as if I had seen nothing.
However, I was drunk and I did none of those things. I had a total ‘deer in the headlights’ moment and I just stood there and waited for our waitress to remove the cop from her mouth.
Waitress: Can I help you with something?
Me: Ummm, I need crackers.
She stood up and loaded a few handfuls of crackers into a basket and handed them to me. I thanked her and walked out.
I don’t really remember giving my friend any crackers or if they prevented what seemed to be an inevitable night of puking.
I don’t remember what my friend’s wedding dress looked like.
I don’t remember what I wore.
I am really not even sure who drove me home that night.
But I remember with full clarity the image of our waitress on her knees and I remember what the cop looked like. He had his hat on.
I hope we left her a decent tip. She really was a good waitress.
So, what are your ‘go to’ stories? I need some new ones. I promise to give you full credit when I repeat them.