I Probably Should Have Excused Myself

We all have a core group of stories that we’ve collected over the years, right? You know, something you can tell other people when you’re trying to break the ice or perhaps something funny to share when you’re drinking with friends.

There are ratings assigned to the stories, like ‘appropriate for all ages’ or ‘job interview anecdotes’ or ‘only tell your close friends when you’re kind of drunk’.

This one isn’t NC 17 or anything, but it’s at least an R rating.

This happened way back in the early 90s, so it’s old, but it does have staying power.

I was at a wedding reception at a bar in Cincinnati that was very trendy and has since been torn down. The bride and groom were friends with the owner and pretty much had the most bad ass reception I’ve ever attended.

I sat at a large round table with people I worked with and we proceeded to drink ourselves silly. Some more than others. The girl sitting next to me looked green. Pretty sure she was one shot of tequila away from puking on her red leather dress.

I would save the day! Crackers! All she needed was to eat a few crackers!

Our waitress had been quite attentive through out the evening, but was she around when we needed her? Nope.

No problem. I was there early helping them set up and I knew where the supply room was. Β There were crates of crackers in the supply room.

I went to the supply room and I found our waitress.

She was on her knees in front of a cop and she was..well..she was doing something to him.

These are things I should have done:

  • Quietly back out of the room and shut the door behind me.
  • Look for crackers elsewhere.
  • Pretend as if I had seen nothing.

However, I was drunk and I did none of those things. I had a total ‘deer in the headlights’ moment and I just stood there and waited for our waitress to remove the cop from her mouth.

Waitress: Can I help you with something?

Me: Ummm, I need crackers.

She stood up and loaded a few handfuls of crackers into a basket and handed them to me. I thanked her and walked out.

I don’t really remember giving my friend any crackers or if they prevented what seemed to be an inevitable night of puking.

I don’t remember what my friend’s wedding dress looked like.

I don’t remember what I wore.

I am really not even sure who drove me home that night.

But I remember with full clarity the image of our waitress on her knees and I remember what the cop looked like. He had his hat on.

I hope we left her a decent tip. She really was a good waitress.

So, what are your ‘go to’ stories? I need some new ones. I promise to give you full credit when I repeat them.


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  • I am laughing my dumb ass off right now (in my cubicle, of course)

    When I come to my senses maybe I can remember a story for ya.

    That rocks.

  • He had his hat on? Dude with some class. +1 for 1990s Ohio Law Enforcement πŸ™‚
    Did you notice if she returned to her knees as you were leaving or did you ruin the moment?

  • That is a fantastic story. I don’t have anything quite as grand but…

    My friend has this birthday party every year, it’s called Buckets and Buckets for buckets of booze and buckets of fried chicken. It’s AWESOME. It’s also sometimes referred to as the “Alcoholic Olympics” because we drink from 11am until usually 11pm. One year, I truly outdid myself. I was in rare form. The party begins at the beach and then moves to my friends home, I was in no shape to return to my house to change, so I had to borrow clothes from a friend. The girl I happened to borrow clothes from just happened to be my husband’s (at the time) high school girlfriend 20 year before. So, I spent the evening wearing my now ex-husband’s high school girlfriend’s underwear, bra and dress. I also woke up with a sprained ankle and a cut that probably needed stitches (no recollection of either) on a couch across the living room from Doogie Houser, but that’s another part of the story entirely.

    • You have NO idea. She was pleasant and seemingly not stressed out that a stranger just saw her with a law enforcement’s night stick in her mouth!

  • YICK. I never want to see that going on between other people. I stumbled on a blow job during an outdoor concert once and I did the same deer-in-headlights thing until the dude actually stuck his burning cigarette into my shoulder *classy*

    My go-to story of sexual proportions definitely involves me staying in a hostel in Hanoi, Vietnam– I was on the bottom bunk and at about 3AM I woke up to some subtle love making on the top bunk that quickly turned to not-so-subtle. I spent the next hour (SERIOUSLY) waiting to be crushed beneath the weight of their copulation.

  • The band I worked for at the time was staying in the mansion on Kelley’s Island in Lake Erie. There were six of us staying in the large room. One of the members gets up to go to the bathroom, but comes back less than ten seconds later and says, “There’s a couple banging on the countertop in the bathroom.” Pause. Pause. Three of us jump up and run to the bathroom, but alas, they were either scared away or somebody was pulling a fast one.

  • At a recent block party on our street, I asked the neighbor if I could use her bathroom (I live way at the end of the street). I went in the house and into her bathroom–only to walk in on her husband taking a dump. Suddenly I didn’t have to go anymore. Yeah. I’m THAT neighbor.

  • I walked in on my BFF who was having oral sex performed on her at the time. I was only 15 and I had NO idea what was going on. I was very naive and didn’t even learn about any of that until I was in college. I feel bad to this day that I interrupted them. But probably better me than her dad, huh?

  • I was working at a soundstage where they would shoot commercials and video stuff. There was off-set, a closed room that looked kind of like an office but was actually a rehearsal set. There were chairs, a couch and lamps, and an unwired telephone that was used as a prop by the actors.

    Well, I walked in one day and interrupted a…..work in progress between Famous Guy and Regional Actress. No, they were not the actors that rehearse on this set, and didn’t know this wasn’t a real office. Famous Guy quickly picks up the phone and is taking a call from his “Agent”, really detailed stuff about what time the meeting is, etc. He has no idea that I know there is no phone connection whatsoever. Also, his shirttail is sticking out of his fly at a right angle like a flag.

    I backed out and held my breath all the way to the elevator, but I bet they heard me scream with laughter from the next floor.

  • I can hardly believe that I’m posting this story – but when I was a senior in HS, my dad came home early & caught BF & I buck-nekkid… We dove into the closet – I will never forget my BF’s pale, sweating face as he faced my father w/his junk stuffed into his loafer to hide his nakedness. Awesomely embarrassing!

  • Once when I was a summer school principal, we were looking for a couple of kids who had skipped out and were smoking pot. We heard a rustle in the bushes and were just about to pounce, when a hooker and her John stood up, him zipping himself and her adjusting her skirt. We ran away very quietly, and cringily.

By Michelle


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