You know how some people aren’t cut out for doing home improvement projects, but do them anyway? Then, tensions run slightly high?
No? Just us then?
Randy and I are not handy people. We have skills, but they mostly revolve around who can out-sarcasm the other. These skills are in no way helpful for home improvement projects.
We didn’t own homes before we knew each other. We were life long renters. We rented the first 13 years of our relationship. Then, we bought a house.
We’ve owned our house for 9 years now. When something breaks, it mostly just stays broken.
Until funds free up to get repairs done.
Or if what breaks is vital to our basic comfort. Then, we find a way.
First, I want to come clean and say I totally fucked up the garbage disposal once by putting a butt load of sweet potato skins down it. Apparently, our disposal doesn’t have butt load setting. The sink was clogged, but Randy did manage to plunge it out. So, I am in no way saying that Randy is the cause of all the household problems. He is, however, the cause of all household problems caused by attempting to fix household problems.
He put a bunch of dried herbs down the garbage disposal. I’m not talking a few tablespoons here. I am talking more than a butt load. At least a fuck ton.
I tried, very hard, to calmly ask why he felt compelled to put something that was completely dried out down the disposal when the garbage can was right fucking there.
Like I said, we’ve both been guilty 0f some errors in judgement.
It’s his attempts at fixing these issues that make me insane.
So, the sink was totally clogged with dried herbs. Randy got the plunger and attempted to plunge the sink out. You guys, he plunged his little heart out. He plunged like the wind. He plunged so hard, the pipes under the sink pulled apart and shot dried herb water all over under the sink and on the kitchen floor.
Me: Let’s call a plumber.
Randy: We’re not calling a fucking plumber. I got this.
Me: I really think we need to call a plumber.
Randy: Fuck that.
Me: Okay, so, I’m not going to lie here. I am still trying to understand why the fuck you would have put dried stuff down the disposal, but what’s done is done. And I know you didn’t mean to plunge the pipes hard enough for them to separate. I accept this. But if you try to fix this and make it worse, then I’m going to be pissed because I am saying right now. Call a fucking plumber.
Randy: No.
I went upstairs, turned on Netflix, and practiced deep breathing.
Hahahaha. That’s a lie. Not about Netflix. About deep breathing. Unless I inadvertently took a deep breath while muttering “I swear to christ if that motherfucker floods the kitchen, I am setting him on fire”.
He came upstairs about an hour later.
He dismantled all the pipes under the sink, found the clog, and put everything back together.
It’s still working, you guys.
He is so fucking lucky.
Yesterday, he put a shelf up over a closet door in our living room. This shelf fell off the wall about 2 years ago. It’s been sitting in the corner of the living room ever since.
I got home and he showed me his handywork.
Me: Yay!
Randy: It’s not up there very good, though. I should do this right.
Me: Just leave it the way it is. We won’t put anything on it. It will be fine.
Randy: The first time someone slams the front door, that’s going to fall down again.
Me: Seriously. Just leave it alone. It’s fine.
Randy: Naw, I’m going to drill the holes bigger and put some anchors in.
Me:…
We now have four dime sized holes over the closet door.
Two of them are filled with anchors that won’t come back out and are also the wrong kind of anchors because they are for hanging something from. Not attaching shelves to.
Me: So, now, we have an extra thing on the list that we have to do to put this house on the market.
Randy:..
Me: Seriously, we’re going to move. We didn’t even have to put the shelf back up.
There might have been muttering about “I said the fucking shelf didn’t need to be there” and “Well, the fucking sink works, doesn’t it?”
At this point, we weren’t really arguing with each other, but definitely a little pissy at each other. Which means that whatever he did next was probably going to get on my nerves.
Randy decided it best to take a shower to get the drywall dust out of his hair. He took his shirt off and threw it across the room to the dirty clothes corner. It landed right on Alfie the kitty.
For fuck’s sake. Poor little kitty. Why isn’t he more careful? (Randy, not the kitty. The kitty 
seems to be appropriately cautious).
Me: You just hit Alfie the kitty with your shirt.
Randy: Is he flattened out? Smashed?
Me: Yes. He’s a pancake now.
Randy walked around the side of the bed to see a perfectly shaped Alfie the kitty.
Me: He blew on his thumb and puffed himself back out.
Randy: You know if puffer kitty isn’t prepared correctly, it can kill you.
Me: Hahahaha…No…..don’t eat the kitty!
So, Randy is 50/50 on home improvement projects for the week. Also, we have lost a bit of ground on getting the house ready to sell. On the plus side, the puffer kitty thing was pretty funny.
I value funny over handyman skills.
We need funny. I need funny.
I also need some rest.
My birthday is this weekend and I told Randy what I wanted more than anything was to slip down to the Tennessee and spend the weekend with our mountain friends.
We’re staying until Monday morning, so we will be there for church (band practice).
I suspect it will be the best birthday ever.
Your husband’s handy work sounds just like mine! He runs about 50/50 too only his good 50 is super gluing something he already broke back together and the other 50 is destroying the plumbing. It always seems to work out and I keep repairmen on speed dial!
Hahahah..yeah, it’s kind of hard to count fixing shit they broke in the plus column..it really just evens things out.
My husband and I also have no measurable skills other than the ability to attempt to out-sarcasm the other. Fortunately, we still rent. We’ve been debating home ownership, but this post has convinced me that I am right and he is wrong and that owning is not for us.
That being said, puffer kitty is HILARIOUS! I’m also sort of now imagining Alfie as the Aunt on Harry Potter who puffs up and then floats away. Please keep Alfie grounded, if you don’t mind. He’s too adorable to turn into a cloud.
There are very compelling reasons to own a home. We will buy another one after this one. However, it will be very small and have almost no yard. We don’t like yard work and the smaller the better. We don’t need much. That being said…there is a LOT to be said for having other people do your maintenance. A LOT.
We haven’t had central air for 4 years now. It sucks.
The cat line was pretty funny.
Maybe for your birthday, the two of you could just stand by the sink, shoving stuff down the garbage disposal to see what it can handle.
That sounds like a party.
Oh man…don’t give him ideas. hahahah
I’m the fixer in our family and I’m just saying I thank my duct-taped stars that there is a YouTube video for EVeryfuckingthing because the shit my house comes up with to challenge me on is not to be believed. When you go to move, grab some pliers, yank them anchors out and fill the holes with white toothpaste. Quick coat of paint, badda bing baby. Glad Alfie’s not flat.
YouTube comes to the rescue ALL THE TIME. And I remember the toothpaste fix from being a renter. Fills the holes..makes the room minty fresh. Haha. And yes, the t shirt did no permanent damage to Alfie the kitty. 🙂
Too funny. We too have our challenges when we try to do home renos/repairs together. Maybe one day I will write about a project we did together that I sarcastically named the “wall of love” project. I still have nightmares about shovels swinging awfully close to my head. And there are so many more. Happy, happy birthday to you! I hope you are able to relax and let go and be truly happy and carefree this weekend. Namaste.
Thank you so so much! And I would love to read about the wall of love!
This is a terrible confession: I have never lived alone my entire life. On the plus side I married a woman who lived alone in multiple places before she ever met me so she knows enough to know when to call someone. And how to fix a lot of things. Something will break and she’ll say, “Oh, we can fix that. Just go to the hardware store and get a Hubbard dangler with a papyrus backscratcher.”
I swear she’s making this shit up but there it is on the shelf. For $2.99, which is a lot less than I’d expect.
If it makes you feel better, I’ve never lived alone in my entire life, either. HAHAHAH..Hubbard dangler and papyrus backscratcher. THAT IS AWESOME.
Singlewide on a sandpile, here!
Renters to the end!
Because. Money. … and probably horses… shh… don’t let the neigh-sayers win…
And, if you run the kitchen sink plumbing out the side of the house, you have grey water recycling!!
Yay, Home Improvement by my Funny Guy 😉
Hahah! His home improvement isn’t always an improvement.
Meh… did the washing machine the same way…. Just make sure to use BIG PVC pipe and make the end of it come out in the ‘garden.’
That’s ALOT of water NOT going in the septic tank….
That wasn’t getting to the septic tank in a predictable pattern anyway… Used to not be able to flush the toilet if the washing machine was draining 🙂
‘Improvement’ is sometimes all about an overflowing toilet…
😀
Hahhaha…Oh man. It’s good to not be alone.
We rented our apartment for 13 years before buying a house too! I’m lucky in that my husband is pretty handy, but that just gives him the impression he can do things beyond his scope. He works as a television composer. When the shows go on summer hiatus, he always picks a big project to finish. Somehow, the projects he prioritizes are never the ones I would choose, and he refuses to let me start on any that he thinks he can do better, so it took three years to paint the interior doors, after we moved into our house. He did do a killer job on those doors. . . eventually. As for other projects, we will have to live with the tattered, improvised pergola screen that fell apart in the first wind and buckets and Tupperware catching leaks in the back sun-room (from the holes drilled in the roof for the TRX band anchor) until we can afford to pay real contractors to remodel the back patio. Sometimes, we really miss calling the landlord, instead of the plumber!
I feel your pain. And I miss calling for maintenance that is included in the cost of my abode…but we will probably buy another house. As soon as we get this one fixed.
Being single brings its own home repair/improvement problems. I was once trying to install a Roman shade in the bedroom window of my old apartment. I was balancing myself on a stepladder. I managed to fall backwards. Fortunately, my bed was right there, complete with a nice, soft memory foam mattress, and I fell on it instead of the floor. My ego was a little bruised, but nothing else!
It also made a funny story. 😀
The funny story is nearly ALWAYS worth it. Nearly.
My parents have owned rental property since I was four. There are now four of these little gems. Since my divorce, they will be my retirement income. I could write you an entire book about this subject, tenants, repairs, city inspectors, rats, and a hoarder. This does not include my house and my mom’s house. I have tools, I have skills, I have knowledge. Randy was lucky. There are two professionals you always call, well three. The plumber, the electrician and the AC/Hvac person. My sweetie decided he was going to unstop my shower. I lived with brown sludge in my shower for weeks. Thank goodness I have another shower. Did I mention we always call the plumber?
I need to print your comment out and tape it to Randy’s forehead. hahaha. He did get lucky this time
Happy birthday!
My dad had rental property for a while when I was a kid, and I was repeatedly pressed into service in its upkeep. That doesn’t mean that I was ever any good at it.
I have lived in warehouse spaces where we had to “build in” our living area. Some were better than others.
I did, though, help my retired friend JT remodel one of his houses. I did a lot of sanding, painting, and if I recall correctly, I wired the kitchen and bathroom. After that I actually made some money doing electrical stuff, but sort of stopped that when I got my truck driving job, which included installing furniture and appliances. I got pretty good at doing those installations, and at not damaging the houses in the process. That could get nerve-wracking sometimes, like when the wallpaper on the twisting stairway costs more per yard than I make in a day.
My friend Jack used to have a saying about DIY home repairs, I believe it was “ugly as homemade sin.”
Last week when Jackie found the giant dog wandering around and decided we needed to save it by confining it in the back yard, we had a puffer-cat incident: The cat went into the back yard to investigate, saw the hairy, black monster, and puffed up to about three times her normal size. It was amazing. Even her tail was huge (for a cat). Also, she ran. Fast. It was strange; when things are enlarging you sort of expect them to move more slowly, but no… inflation and acceleration simultaneously. She’s a very coordinated cat.
I have never seen Alfie the kitty puff up like that..but at the vet when they were checking out this rash he got on his chin, he made a noise that sounded like it came from the bowels of hell.
Happy Birthday!
Thank you!! xox
Sounds so familiar – not-so-handy-husband takes something that’s a little bit broken and makes it very definitely, no questions asked, forever and ever truly smashed to smithereens broken. But the way you tell it makes it (almost) worthwhile.
Hope you have a delightful birthday!
Hahaa..that sounds so familiar. And thank you!!!!
Wow. I got the whole package then. My husband is (reasonably) handy, has never lost a limb with any of his saws, and he’s fucking hilarious (which is completely different from hilarious at fucking…don’t ask me how I know).
HAHAAH. Next time I see you, I am totally asking how you know.
Have a Happy Birthday! I’m one of those annoying people who goes, when I find out someone’s birthday: “Oh she’s a Pisces.” or “Oh he’s a Taurus.” And feel a bit of mystery has been solved. I know there’s no scientific basis for any of it, but *shrugs*.
I’m lucky in that we don’t argue about fixing things. I call him when something is broken, he tries to fix it, and if I broke it he asks me “how could I do blah blah” (it literally turns into blah blah in my head by the way because I’ve since moved on to something else). If I didn’t personally break it, then he goes all detective about it (oh, he’s a Scorpio) to get to the root of the problem, meanwhile I’ve since moved on to something else.
If he can’t fix it, he may ask me to Google something specific (like what to do if your blah blah blings blings–I pay attention enough to Google correctly but then immediately forget what the blah or blings were) and if that doesn’t work we call someone.
Again, I hope you have a great birthday!
This made me laugh so hard. Blah blah blah. Hahahhaha…awesome. And thank you!!
Thank goodness Al is pretty handy around the house although he has got to the stage when I say, should we pay someone to do it ? He is occasionally answering yes !!!!
HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY – have a wonderful time with your mountain friends. I listened to their CD again the other day when I was in the car with no podcasts to listen to and thoroughly enjoyed it again !!
xox
I will tell Lizzie you said so, she will be so pleased! And thank you! I can’t wait. I just want to get today over with so we can take off.
I’m laughing so fucking hard here. Firstly, you should probably know that in order to keep our penises after leaving high school we guys have to agree to a few genetic modifications to ensure we maintain our moral and intellectual superiority. This genetic modification (usually done at keggers during rush week) implants the mechanical gene and the navigation gene, which, as you so aptly described, gives us the inherent ability to fix ANYTHING that you might have broken. The navigation gene, of course, frees us from the need to ever ask for directions.
All you ladies get is the never-ever-wrong gene. But hey, don’t blame me, I didn’t make the rules here 😉
Hahahaah…that’s awesome. I can honestly say that Randy will ask for directions..well, not right AWAY or anything, and now that GPS is a thing, that’s not a problem anymore. And I do, on occasion, admit that I’m wrong. It does sting, though.
Happy Birthday, Michelle! Have a fun weekend. 🙂 This post is hilarious. I’m lucky in that my guy really is a handyman. That said, we’re renters at the moment. Wanna trade?
I would like to trade. And then after you get the repairs that I need done, we can trade back! I love this plan. Hahahaha
First of all-Happy Birthday!! My ex was very handy but no sense of humor or fun. I’d take fun over able to fix anything in a heartbeat. You can call a grumpy plumber but you don’t have to live with him. And I can take my under the sink pipes apart and unclog call me.
I probably could too if I had to. I am usually the one to assemble things, but I just don’t want to anymore. I can’t see and it’s frustrating. haha. And thank you for the birthday wishes!
Yes, a sense of humor is important. It keeps us going.
We are sooooo related. Living in same house for 33 years, so many ‘projects’ to repair and good intetnions and all that, but mostly we just work around the broken things. I just feel like if you and Randy are the same then I am ok. I am ok.
Trust me, you are not alone. I mean, I might just be us…but I doubt it.
Doesn’t everyone need a shelf that you can’t put anything on? I think this is the real message you are trying to get across here. Subtle, yet effective. Is this a good time to mention that my husband actually IS handy and beyond? He can fix pretty much anything. But for your birthday I think a second shelf is in order.
Ooohhh…you are right. That IS my message! Worthless shelves for EVERYONE!!!!
We all know one such handy man in our families and most of them mean well, so what their skills give them only 50% chance to succeed but when they do, they save a lot of money. So look at the positive side :). Completely enjoyed your writing, specially your amazing sense of humor.
Haha…true..so true. It’s always nice when things work out. And thank you so much!!