Rent My Afterlife


We got mail addressed to ‘Rent My Afterlife’.

I don’t know that I’ve ever mentioned my last name on this blog or not, but it’s not Afterlife.

The first thing I did was look around for the Handbook For The Recently Deceased and I REALLY hoped that Juno was our case worker. Turns out I wasn’t dead, but the jury was out on whether time travel was real. I thought, maybe, my future-self learned some secrets on what you could or couldn’t do in the afterlife and was looking out for current me.

What the fuck is Rent My Afterlife?

I have no idea. I’ve never attempted to rent an afterlife. I don’t believe I signed up to get information about renting an afterlife, so I have no idea why I’m getting mail addressed to Rent Myrent my afterlife Afterlife.

It’s a good idea though.

I should rent my afterlife.

I KNOW there are a lot of people out there who have a lot more red than black in their books, if you know what I mean. It would be a great way for me to earn cash NOW. I could get caught up on my bills and get my broke ass car fixed. Some poor soul can set his mind at ease knowing that no matter if they have lived a less than admirable life, they have a nice afterlife paid for in advance.

I would probably put a $200 year cap on the rental so that I can resell the space. It’s eternity, right? 200 years might just be a short vacation, but still…better than nothing. And it will be CHEAP. I would be willing to lease one year of my afterlife for $100.00 per year (10 year minimum).

I took the afternoon off this afternoon. I didn’t KNOW I was going to take the afternoon off, I just know I got back to work after lunch and thought FUCK this shit and took 4 hours of vacation.

Now I know why! It’s to get a business plan together for my new business.

I say that like I have the first fucking clue about creating a business plan. I’m going to assume that now that I have my pricing model set, I should think about where to advertise.

My first thought was Craigslist, but then I remembered the time I tried to sell my uterus and the motherfuckers took my ad down in just a few hours.  I guess I could try again. Maybe, they just have a rule about selling worthless organs on their service and don’t have a problem with afterlife rental.

Well, now my afternoon is set. I expect to see cash rolling in over the weekend.

Also, if you are interested in a 50-year-old non-functioning uterus, I have one that I am willing to part with at a very reasonable price.

Hell, better than reasonable, I will let it go for free to a good home. Or a bad home. I do not give a fuck. I have to be honest here, it’s been a real dick for the past couple years.

Disclaimer: There is a slim chance that I will go to hell. This in no way entitles the lessee to a refund. I don’t THINK I would end up in hell, but it’s possible. As of this day, I have never killed anyone, robbed a store, stolen candy from a child or burned down a church. I have had a few times when I’ve had enough to drink to not remember what I did, but I am certain it did not involve murder. Nearly positive. Also, I might have taken candy from a child, but only things they didn’t miss. It was Halloween. Really, I was being a responsible parent. No child should have 47 pounds of candy. That would be the same as me having a keg of tequila. 

In the spirit of honesty, when we took our granddaughter out for lunch before her third birthday party, I ate half of her grilled cheese. In my defense, she was more interested in her fries. And my salad really sucked. Also, it wasn’t candy…but I figured taking food from a toddler was at least in the same ballpark as taking candy from a child. 


I did put up a Craigslist ad. Unfortunately, they took the ad down after a couple of days.

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    • I would TOTALLY rent it to them.

      That’s a lie..I’d feel too bad about taking advantage of them. Unless they are uber wealthy, then fuck em.

  • I love your business model!

    But I don’t think it would work for me. See, I’m *totally* going to hell. Don’t get me wrong – I’ve never done anything truly horrible like killing anyone or torturing kittens or writing snarky comments on my annual performance review. (OK, I actually did that last one. Today.) But I’ve laughed inappropriately at enough terrible things (like baby ducks being blown away by the wind) to guarantee my spot at Satan’s Big Barbecue. It’s OK; my friends will all be there and we’ll have adjoining rooms.

  • Better work a safety deposit into your terms of service. I’ve seen some pictures of rentals gone wickedly bad…you don’t want to be paying out of pocket to refurbish your afterlife every 100 years because some douche canoe has decided to treat it like a back country outhouse.

    • Yeah, and I’ll need to think about hiring property managers as well…it’s getting a LITTLE more complicated…but still..I’m committed

By Michelle


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