The Return Of Krampus: The Jenkin’s Christmas Letter

I ran across this Christmas post I did a few years ago and cracked myself up. I decided perhaps we should check in on the Jenkins and see how they’ve been since 2016. So, here you go, the Jenkin’s 2018 Christmas letter:

Season’s Greetings to you all!

Wow, 2018. What a ride, right?

I’m so sorry we missed 2017 completely. Not just the Christmas letter. We missed the entire year.

Apparently we all were in a coma, but we kept our spirits up as the whole family chanted in unison the entire time. Linguists from all over the world studied the language we were chanting, but no one was able to crack that Jenkins code!

We’re sad about missing 2017, but as long as all the Jenkins are together, then we are blessed. Well, except Muffy.

She never did come home. Timmy is still beside himself. Literally. The little dickens has found a way to project his spirit from his body and actually sit beside himself. On a sad note, that scared Aunt Julia to death. She will always be in our hearts. And on our hearth. When she fell, she cracked her head open and I couldn’t get the blood stain up.

Little Timmy is so very sorry. He only communicates through barking and snarling, but some of those sounds had an apologetic ring to them. I’m not going to lie, the ringing sounds freak us all out pretty bad. It’s all good though. We had to let that house go due to mold in the basement and all the walls bleeding blood every night after dinner.

I guess it goes without saying that our little Krampus problem didn’t go away like we thought it would. I’m beginning to think that he will always be with us, but I don’t want to be a negative Nellie. I’m sure the curse will lift and life will be normal again. Or perhaps it will at least stop raining toads in our yard whenever little Timmy goes outside.

The whole family woke up at 3:03 am on January 1, 2018.

I hate to complain, but I must admit, it was not easy for the family to get back into the swing of day to day life.

Even though life has been difficult, it would be remiss of me to not mention the many blessings we’ve picked up in 2018. For one, Roger no longer has his farting problem! Praise be!

Unfortunately though, since we woke up, Roger has developed an issue where his lower jaw intermittently unhinges and drops down to his chest giving his mouth a cavernous look that is unnerving. While, that is certainly trying enough, strange voices call out from somewhere inside him. I’m guessing from his ass if we go by the words. Whatever is going on down there, I don’t think the foul language is necessary.

You can guess how that little problem plays out in job interviews. Not good. We’ve made ends meet by selling tickets. We never know exactly when the jaw will drop, but it’s usually never more than 3 hours between events and people are willing to wait. We’ve had to move a few times because of this. Apparently freak shows aren’t a thing anymore or whatever.

It’s for the best. We finally made the decision to load the whole family up in the camper and live there. We recently got evicted (again). I don’t think it’s fair to make us leave just because a bunch of neighbors reported that their pets were talking like humans. No one can prove that’s our fault anyway. But I don’t make the rules. Again, another blessing in disguise because we really couldn’t take much more of the nightly torch and pitchfork crowd.

Another reason we decided to load up the camper is we got a lead on Jennifer! When we all woke up, she was super excited to have slept away a year of her life. In her words it got her “one year closer to being old enough to drive and one year closer to getting away from this nightmare.” Teenagers? Am I right?

Well, I guess she just couldn’t wait, because a few months ago I found a note on her bed that just said “later.” I hate to brag, but her penmanship is impeccable. She gets that from me. Anyway, we’re pretty sure she found that old Romanian woman we met in a gift shop a few years ago because we got a call from someone speaking Romanian. We couldn’t understand the words, but the tone told me that this person had all she could stand from a sarcastic teenager.

Timmy helped us out by pointing on a map. We’re assuming the scorched area on the map is where his sister is. When I ask him if Jennifer is there, his eyes spin around in their sockets and he giggles. He loves her so.

We have some additions to our family that you may not know about! 8 additions, actually. You know how Santa has 8 flying reindeer? goatWell, I guess Krampus has 8 flying goats and since he seems to have retired after hexing little Timmy, we’re stuck with Flasher and Slasher, Asshole and Fissure, Vomit, Stupid, Goner and Shitstain. They took some getting used to and the car really needs to be in a garage when they’re flying around, but they are like family now. Especially, Shitstain. He follows me around like a puppy.

On a personal note, I have some fantastic news. My toes are no longer talons! So grateful. Keeping me in shoes costed an arm and a leg. My mother is so generous. And she has grown used to her brand new prosthetic limbs! I am so excited to be able to get back into my strappy sandals next spring!

Well, little Timmy is having what we call a “grumpy” night, so that means we’re going to be spending a few hours completely blind with the taste of motor oil and 3 week old Chinese food in the back of our throat. Then there is the 2 or 3 weeks of watching the news to make sure there haven’t been a lot of “accidents” around us.

I hope you all have a safe and happy Christmas! Don’t get too naughty under the mistletoe!

Love to all

Roger, Trish, Jennifer, Timmy and Ana-Maria

P.S. Ana-Maria, the old Romanian woman decided to move in with us. I think. She and Timmy locked eyes and they just stayed that way. 

P.P.S If anyone in the family knows of any ancestors who suddenly developed the ability to levitate that coincided with a homicidal rage, would you give me a call? Nothing to worry about. Asking for a friend. She lives behind my left earlobe. 

 

 

 

Share
Add your comments below. Profanity is encouraged, but not required. ;)
  1. Deborah says:

    That is hilarious. And thanks for the “card.” Such a nice touch. That needs to get out and tickle a much wider audience.

    Reply
  2. Well this is spectacular with a sprinkling of fucking hysterical. We need the funny, need it bad.

    Reply
  3. BarbaraM says:

    Send Shitstain over here, my cat is getting uppity. Have a wonderful holiday but don’t come to visit. Just Shitstain. Please.

    Reply
  4. Lisa K says:

    I so wanna print this and mail it out.
    THAT would shut ’em up 😀

    Reply
  5. Haralee says:

    Very Funny! I am not sure but I think I recognize some of these folks but different names, or so I think!

    Reply
  6. Spiked Lee says:

    I adore this SO HARD.
    thank you!
    (can I send this to the mormon side of the family? pretty please?)

    Reply
  7. Doug in Oakland says:

    Freak shows? I resemble that remark. Or maybe I used to, and I’m getting tame in my old age.
    Tell Ana Maria I said hi.

    Reply
  8. mydangblog says:

    Love it–well done again!

    Reply
  9. Now that was a lot of fun. Both to read and I bet to write. A very enjoyable read. Should be sent to all who write those wrap ups. Good one!

    Reply
  10. Paula says:

    That is hilarious!

    Reply
  11. “And she has grown used to her brand new prosthetic limbs!”

    I suppose I need to go back and read the prior Christmas post, but I loved this. Seems like my kind of family.

    Reply
  12. emelle says:

    Love the Jenkins newsletter! So much fun!

    Reply