Rubber Chicken and Other Things That Aren’t Food

DISCLAIMER: No one should eat anything I am about to talk about. And I am super sad that needs to be said. 

Okay, obviously, one doesn’t eat a rubber chicken.

I guess you could try, but damn, the amount of chewing that would require makes me exhausted just thinking about it. But there are other types of chicken you shouldn’t eat.

I had no idea I’d have such a strong opinion on such things, but we don’t get to pick how our days go, do we?

Today, I treated myself to a massage. I’ve been painting walls. Again. Because that is my fate. My muscles are sore. I’ve been stressed. I went for a little “me time”.

The massage wasn’t great. I like a heavy touch (that’s what she said) and I don’t want to talk.

The therapist had a wispy touch and she was extra chatty. And she loves the lord.

I told her I like a firm touch, so she accommodated me by continuing with a wispy touch.

She was super nice, though. Still better than being in a cubicle, but I think I’m going to get a do-over on the massage thing. It’s been years since I had one. I kinda need to get it right.

Anyway, I get back to my cubicle after taking a two hour lunch and immediately checked Twitter. Because I am a responsible cubicle dweller. Twitter isn’t going to check itself, you know.

The trending news story was the FDA had to issue a warning saying to not cook chicken in NyQuil©. Because it’s dangerous.

Who the fuck is cooking chicken in NyQuil©? Who? Because they are why we can’t have nice things.

Women’s rights are being stripped away. Governors are kidnapping migrants and sending them to Martha’s Vineyard.

The world is on fire. And what do we do? We marinate chicken in NyQuil©.

Which is so stupid, because obviously, baby Tylenol© would make a way better marinade.

I mean, if we’re going to cook with over the counter medications, why stop with NyQuil©?

In addition to NyQuil© chicken, you could have mushrooms with a Neosporin© glaze.

Make Hors d’oeuvres with Preparation H©. You can make little Prep H© rosebuds on wheat crackers!

A good dry rub for the chicken? Crush up Flintstone vitamins© and Centrum Silver© which will appeal to kids and adults alike!

You really can’t go wrong with an aperitif made with a simple syrup from melted Ricola© lozenges.

Or, and I can’t stress this enough, just eat food. Don’t cook with over the counter drugs just because TikTok says it’s a good idea.

Life did take a dark turn when people started eating Tide pods©.

I guess cooking with NyQuil© was inevitable. Wonder if the Food Network will get in on this? It won’t be long until brunch menus include NyQuil© chicken and waffles.

Also, we really are on fire. Please encourage people around you to vote. Our very lives depend on it.

About the author


This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

  • You had me at: And I am super sad that needs to be said.
    I could/should add that disclaimer to everything I say these days.
    Yes. Vote.
    No. Nyquil© marinade.

  • I’m so tired of this, my head hurts. Our Dip-shit Governor is freaking IMPORTING migrants to ship away, using taxpayer money to do so, and arrogantly states that he will continue to do so. I’ve been saying for weeks now that Texas and Florida are guilty of Human Trafficking and FINALLY I’m starting to see stories in the news about possible law suits. Well, hurry it the hell up! As for the Nyquil chicken, well I remember when the fad was to smoke banana peels. I don’t believe it lasted long, and of course, there wasn’t Tic-Tok to spread the word, but it was still an ‘urban legend’. And don’t forget all the things kids used to ‘huff’.

  • I’m not saying Canada is better. We have done some pretty crappy things here to immigrants as well. The chicken thing blows my mind. And also why I need to stay off social media. Who does this. (Clearly some people do, or you wouldn’t have written this.) It does give me a whole different idea of what I should cook tonight. Chicken surprise!

  • I can sort of understand someone marinating chicken in NyQuil. Chicken soup is good for a cold and so is NyQuil. Maybe they thought it would be a good way to get the benefits of both while taking out the tar of fucking death flavor of NyQuil. But what I don’t understand is that idea becoming enough of a trend that there needs to be a warning put out about it. I blame the internet. It’s a wonderful thing in a lot of ways but, holy shit, it also amplifies stupidity. And I admit I’ve fallen for some stupid stuff but most of the time all it takes is a wispy touch for me to figure it out. Too many people need a really, really, really firm touch.

  • “Amplifying stupidity” is a great way to describe the Internet – if only I could have all that time back as I debunk clients’ favored theories as to What Is Their Pet’s Diagnosis & What Their Proper Treatment Should Be…

  • No. Just…no. Marinade chicken in olive oil, pesto and chili flakes. Or pepper, butter and garlic. Something that tastes good with cooking chicken. It’s really not that hard. Maybe squeeze a little lemon onto it after it has cooked. Don’t rub your weed on it either. Smoke the weed then you’ll want to eat the chicken no matter how you cook it.
    It rained. The heat wave is over and it rained. We dodged the wildfire bullet one more time.
    Tish James is suing Fergus for $250 million. Vote.
    I used to catch the bus home from work across the street from the massage school, and this one girl who went there used to bum cigarettes off of me. She said that you wouldn’t think of massage as being stressful, but it is.

  • I do think rubber chicken could become a thing. Okay, it really doesn’t taste great, but you burn more calories trying to eat it than you’d gain actually…you know…swallowing.
    And cooking with drugs? It’s just the next thing, isn’t it? Fill your tummy and eliminate your headache in one handy serving!
    We’re all about convenience. And not making decisions. Or taking blame.
    You’re right…climate change isn’t the only thing threatening the population right now. We also have Primate change. Or primate regression.

  • The worst thing about this, is that my gf cooked chicken for me tonight and I have a headache. I think she missed the drugs. D..amn.

  • Sadly you just can’t fix stupid. Or TicTok or viral videos or even the internet. But, we can still vote and maybe get rid of dip-shit governors and idiot senators. Votevotevote. As for the stupids, well, maybe they’ll all just stay home with their ruined chicken.

By Michelle


RSIH in your inbox