Randy and I spent last week cocooned in the Smokey Mountains with Mountain Girl and the Bass Player. For you younger people, who are afraid that getting old means being all stodgy, we had one evening that culminated in an epic rubber band fight. Also, Randy is lucky that he wears glasses or he’d be down at least one eye.
We laughed so much last week, my face still feels tired today.
Well, it was mostly funny. Not all funny. I had moments of boredom as I do every time we all get together. Let’s see if I can frame this in the style of a tired joke:
A rocket scientist, a genius, a walking encyclopedia of music knowledge and woman who is both slightly drunk and slightly hungover walk into a music studio to talk about the science of music. I have no idea what to say next because I have no fucking clue about what they were talking about.
Randy and Mountain Girl are both reading the same book about music and were discussing a part about recording music on tape versus digital music and how tape is a fixed point in time that can’t be altered and how digital music is fluid and can be changed at will.
I followed okay up to that point, and then they either started talking in Swahili or some obscure Inuit dialect.
I thought I was following the discussion about Brian Wilson and how he recorded in mono, only I thought they said with mono, which must have been super hard because I had mono when I was 38 years old and I pretty much just slept the whole time. It turns out they weren’t talking about that kind of mono.
Fortunately for me, the conversation devolved.
I am pretty sure the devolution started when Randy talked like Butthead to me. I didn’t mind. I could follow that conversation.
We had an odd moment Monday night, the night we arrived. I wish I could tell you the conversation which led up to this moment, but it’s lost in a haze of bourbon and birthday cake. When we were driving down to the mountains, Randy randomly offered up the fact all the actors on the show Bonanza are now dead. For some reason, Monday night, I mentioned Randy mentioning that everyone from Bonanza is dead. I knew right away Mountain Girl was kind of freaked out.
Her reaction to the Bonanza comment was mildly bizarre.
She stared at me blankly for a moment with her mouth slightly open.
Mountain Girl: Y’all talked to the Bass Player on the phone or something before you got here, right?
Mountain Girl: Yes you did. You had to.
Me: I can’t imagine the circumstance in which I would lie about that, but no, we did not.
Mountain Girl: Bullshit. You did. He was saying, not long before you got here, how all the actors on Bonanza are dead. Not just that he talked about Bonanza, but that all the actors are dead. And he said it out of the blue and that was it. Just that they’re all dead.
Me: That’s fucking trippy. I mean, how many people on earth talked about Bonanza today? Maybe, that number is pretty high. But then how many of them talked only to offer up the observation that all the actors on Bonanza are now dead? And then end up drinking together in the mountains? I’m going to guess it’s somewhere between 12 and 125 people.
Mountain Girl: Nah, it’s just them. Also, did you notice they’re dressed alike?
She wasn’t wrong, Randy and the Bass Player were both wearing jeans, black t-shirts and green shirts over the t-shirt.
Me: Well, of course we did talk earlier to coordinate the outfits.
For the rest of the week, the following sentence was uttered dozens of times: “Hoss is dead. He was only 47.”
We also were discussing online polls and I decided I needed to do a poll here. I was going to do a real poll where you check a box and it shows you the stats and whatnot, but I couldn’t get it to stack up right and it looked stupid. Also, you could only vote if you signed in through Facebook or WordPress and I thought, well…fuck that. I will just type it out and you guys can vote in comments.
Anyway, here is The Rubber Shoes In Hell 2017 Survey poll, please vote for one or give me an “other”.
If you could affect one change for all of humanity, which number would you choose?
- All insulation would be edible.
- Flame retardant hot dogs.
- An evil laugh is required before any crime is committed.
- One acid trip per human is compulsory.
- Anyone caught using a workplace microwave for heating up fish will be sentenced to sniffing airplane seat cushions for 120 contiguous minutes every day for 10 years.