That Is A Sad Use Of A Time Machine

So, I’ve been sweating this project at work where I have to use 30+ year old programming code. Over 30 years old, y’all. 30 years ago, I was a brand new bride and hadn’t started working in I.T. yet. Other than being recently married to my first husband, I kind of envy 30 years ago me.

Anyway, the project was hard, yo. Two things: One, while I cannot claim to have not suffered from any performance anxiety on this project, I can say that I only suffered a fraction of what I usually do. So, yay! Secondly, I have very nearly kicked the project in the ass. I ended the week on a high note. I love a win on a Friday night.

Anyway, I left work a little early and Randy and I have had a few cocktails. (Shots of tequila). He very patiently listened to me give him way too much information about what I had to do to get this code to work. But goddamn, I had to tell somebody. So, I got done talking about the code and we moved on to time travel/time portal travel.

Me: I have learned so much from this project . If I had a time machine I could put this new knowledge to good use. I mean, if I could go back to 1985, I would kick IBM midrange computing in the ass.


Me: Seriously, if we could time travel, I would be a computer programming rock star. We’d make a fortune and then invest it all in Apple. Then we’d sell our stock and invest the money in something safe that would build over time. We’d return to now and be fucking loaded.


Me: Although, that would be a really difficult way to get rich with a time machine. I mean, it would make more sense to go back and buy a lottery ticket when the lottery was up to half a billion dollars. I’m making this too difficult. The 1985 scenario only makes sense if it’s a time portal that we could go through and only went back to 1985. Then, we had to stay there like five years before coming back to our time. And that might totally suck, because we might be having a really good time, you know?

Randy: Want another drink?


Me: So really, the best thing would be to just have a time machine and do the whole lottery ticket thing. Time travel portal

Randy: Is that all you would do with your time machine?

Me: No, I would also use it to fuck with people. Like, I would set it to go back in time one minute over and over and just keep walking out of the same office, but never in. Sooner or later, someone would notice and it would drive them batshit.

Randy: So you are telling me, that if you had a time machine, you would use it to buy a winning lottery ticket and to fuck with some random person working in an office building.

Me: Yeah.


Me: It’d be funny.

Randy: That is a sad use of a time machine.

Me: Still, it’d be funny.

Me: Other than I would be gaslighting that person. Holy shit. If I get a time machine, I’ll become a monster. I’m going to have to have rules about who I fuck with.

Randy: This is going to take a while, isn’t it?

Me: It might.

Me: I am in no way condoning gaslighting another person. However, if I get a time machine and I gaslight someone, then the person as to be horrible. You know, really bad, like Hitler, Leona Helmsley or the first person to ever make a jello mold with cottage cheese. So, the rules are this: I can only gaslight someone if I actually get a time machine. And the person has to be horrible and kind of have it coming to them.

Randy: Fair enough.

Me: I don’t know. I’m starting to feel guilty about the gaslighting thing.

Randy: You feel guilty over gaslighting Hitler? So, you feel sorry for Hitler. You are a monster.


Randy: How does that work with the time portal?


Me: What the hell, dude? That doesn’t work at all with the time portal. If our only option is time portal, then we have to go with my newly acquired kick ass antiquated programming skills plan.

Randy: Do you want another drink?


Randy: So, what if it is a portal?

Me: Yeah?

Randy: And the portal is a port-a-potty? Would that make it a portal potty?

Me: No.

Randy: Seriously, and you had to lower yourself into the port-a-potty in order to get to the portal.

Me: No.

Randy: And then when you were down there, the portal just stopped working. How would you explain why you were down there? Would you tell people that you were going through a time portal to 1985?

Me: Duh. No. They’d take me right to the psych ward. I would just tell them that some lunatic threw me down there and then cry until they rescued me.

Me: And way to go on messing up the whole time portal idea. You’re disgusting.

Randy: You’re the one in the port-a-potty.

Sadly, this is not the first conversation where we’ve made up scenarios and someone ends up trapped in a port-a-potty.

About the author


This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

  • You are hilarious. In my family, many ridiculous conversations revolve around what would be the best super power to have.

  • you make me want to drink more 🙂 I’m sure I’d be hilarious too if I was half cut and having a great evening – just slightly jealous of you at the moment 🙂

  • A). I love you.

    B) no way 1985 was over thirty years ago. That would make me old and I’m not.

    C) when you’re rich and famous, can you come find me?

    D) are you sure you didn’t already go back and gaslight some horrible person? Because…Trump. That dude is evil and crazy. And if anyone would do that…well…I wouldn’t blame you.

    • A) I love you too
      B) We’re kind of old
      C) Yes!!!
      D) I am reasonably sure that wasn’t me. Although maybe it was future me and I have a time machine that I just don’t know about yet.

  • I think it’s a good thing you don’t have access to a time machine. You gaslighting Hitler might be what drives him crazy and makes him decide to quit being a mediocre painter and instead go into politics.

    Yeah, jumping around in time and messing with people sounds like fun but I think you should stick to buying a lottery ticket. And messing with the first person to make a jello mold with cottage cheese because that person really is a monster.

  • This made me laugh out loud. Fortunately, I’m the only one at work at the moment. These are the kind of conversations I have with my work team. (One involved the caloric content of motor oil.)

    • Gaslighting is a technique that narcissists use to make people distrust reality. They convince them that something is true or not true when the opposite is really what happened. It comes from a movie with Ingrid Bergman called Gaslight.

  • haha… it’s so funny to think about how much time and effort is spent defending/supporting an absurd notion or scenario; how we’ll run with crazy shit like it’s even remotely plausible…I think you can divide the world’s population into those who never do this and the rest of us (who are often in the company of cocktails – hey, why are drinks called cocktails? never questioned that fkd up word) dammit M! stop making me think! it’s a holiday here today, geez…

    • HAHAHAH…yeah, we spend an inordinate amount of time coming up with these scenarios. Only with booze, though. Usually. Sometimes without booze.

  • Ha, another priceless Michelle and Randy moment! I could definitely get into the freaking some people out from my past. The school bully would be on my list, my ex is definitely on it.
    Maybe I should just go back give younger me some advice on who to avoid marrying and some huge winning lottery numbers, then I could be in Mauritius right now, on a beach, being served cocktails by a lovely waiter.
    If only…

    • I couldn’t introduce the Doctor into the conversation or Randy would no longer play. He’s not a fan. I think there is something wrong with his brain.

  • The nicest port-o-potties I have ever used were at the winery where I saw The Joy Formidable last November. I was gonna say that it was too bad they weren’t portal-potties so I could spend a year or so at a rock concert with my friend Sara, but actually, that was before we made it out of the Foundry (the awful dilapidated old building we lived in for nearly three years) so I’ll actually take the time-line I’m already on, thank you very much…
    Maybe tequila is a time machine?

  • *drags self back up on couch*
    *wipes snot and tears from face*
    FffuuUuccCkkK this was worth waiting to read…
    I promised myself a treat for getting my shit chores done.
    And another weirdly fucked up rabbit picture….
    Thank You, BOTH!!
    *skips to bathroom to change panties*

    • Nope. I know enough about COBOL to make minor changes. My language Is RPG. And don’t tell anyone you’re time travelling if you get stuck in a’ll end up in a straitjacket.

  • You and Randy ought to do a podcast. It might be the only funny podcast that ever existed, ever.

    I get extremely nauseous in portapotties, by the way. Can’t do it.
    I’m actually queasy just from that picture.

  • I totally get this. I just had a similar conversation about peeing in a plastic cup during a very long play after drinking too much coffee and how the straw could be useful. Off the wall is the only direction to go!

  • OMG! If I could go back to 1985 I would tell myself to actually care about HS and not date. I would also buy a lotto ticket and fuck with the principal. I hated that guy. I mean his name was DICK so that should tell you something.

    I heart Randy’s reasoning with you. Love you guys!

  • I miss those kind of Friday night conversations and look forward to them returning when my kids are older…..or maybe I could use your portal potty to visit one again?

By Michelle