So, I am going to the Erma Bombeck workshop for writers at the end of month. I am goddamn excited about this because I get to meet some women that I only know electronically (Not in a weird electronic way. You perverts. Except maybe Stephanie from We Don’t Chew Glass, but seriously, that was mostly her fault. Mostly.)
I actually won’t be meeting Stephanie which bums me out because I love her like mad. Still, looking forward to meeting other bloggers that I’ve admired for years now.
I’m also freaking out about it. I am improving at the hugging thing, but I think those skills are going to be put to the test. I did get refills at my last doctor visit, so I think it will be good.
Anyway, I entered the Erma Bombeck writing competition in the humor category. I didn’t win, which is cool, I am glad to be able to share it here.
It’s not the original. I was limited to 450 words on the original. I decided it could use a little fleshing out.
Then I Said The Worst Thing
Trading barbs is foreplay for my husband and me. I like to think of us as Nick and Nora Charles, but in reality, we’re probably more like Ralph and Alice Kramden.
Our kids never stood a chance. We put sarcasm on everything and our sense of humor runs along the Edward Gorey side.
I should have expected that at least one of our children would be traumatized by our humor.
I have two sons, 11 years apart in age. My older son, Zach, got the family sense of humor early on. For example, there was the zoo incident. When Zach was 3 years old, we had a mother/son day eating blue ice cream and looking at animals. We stopped to look at the lion.
Zach: “Mommy, is the lion sleeping?”
Me: “No, sweetie, he’s dead.”
Zach cracked up. He knew I was joking. We walked away with our shoulders shaking from laughter while I ignored the shocked indignation of the woman who overheard our conversation. What did I care what she thought? Zach and I understood each other.
Joey, my younger son, was more sensitive. I didn’t understand him as well.
He was five and we were watching a movie where a woman had a baby. The woman cried, which confused Joey.
Joey: “Mommy, why is she crying?”
Me: “Because she is so happy her baby is here.”
Joey: “Did you cry when I was born?”
Me: “Yes, baby.”
Joey: “Because you were so happy?”
The following is a list of responses that would have been preferable to the one I gave: 
“There is no Santa. Feel free to spread that around your Kindergarten class.”
“Grandpa smells funny, but don’t tell him I said so.”
“You might want to start checking under your bed and in your closet before you go to bed at night.”
“I eat all the good Halloween candy when you’re sleeping.”
What I said was “No baby, I cried because you were so ugly.”
I was kidding. I swear I’m not cruel to my children. The words just popped out.
He was inconsolable. He sobbed for 20 minutes. My husband did that hissing through the teeth thing we do when we’re particularly incredulous and said, “Why would you say that to him?”
I thought it was funny. Zach would have laughed.
I groveled, backpedaled, and offered to buy him a present. Anything to make him forget the horrible, not funny thing I said. I promised to make him pancakes in funny shapes until he got to Junior high. I promised I would never tell embarrassing stories to future girlfriends. Full disclosure, I broke both of those promises.
After that, I reined in my normal humor when around Joey and he eventually forgot the incident.
I told him this story recently. He laughed until he snorted.
Joey is 17 now and has the sharpest wit with a dark and terribly clever sense of humor.
I’m pretty sure he gets it from his dad.
We *gotta* be related! LOL!
I’m glad I’m not alone.
Absolutely. My kids had to learn sarcasm at a very young age (my son called it “sarcastacism” for the longest time. It is a survival skill.
HAHAHA…I love kids. Sarcastacism. That is great!
Hahaha, the lion joke was awesome 😀 I am teaching my husband sarcasm now (in Slovakia, we have just really horrible violent humor and it is not as funny in Colombia where he comes from – I think it is because they actually live that kind of stuff…), he´s improving!
Sarcasm is what allows me to continue to exist without breaking down in a soggy mass of tears.
So which embarrassing stories about Joey did you add share with future girlfriends?
Hahaaha…self preservation dictates that I keep those to myself.
Hahahahahaha. Yep. I’m exactly the same.
And I can’t wait to meet you.
I KNOW!!! I’m so excited!
My kids say that sarcasm was the ONLY good thing I did for them! (They got the jokes that the teachers told in elementary and Jr. High that nobody else got?)
Probably, my worst line was, “I love you most, don’t tell your brothers.”
so, … a couple of Christmas’ ago, my youngest and oldest were talking:
Youngest, “You know, how Mom always says, “You’re my favorite, don’t tell…””
Oldest, “Huh? What are you talking about? She never said that to me.”
Youngest, *dead silence*
about 10 seconds of awkward, What the Fuck do I say now and then belly laughs all around.
Fun times with Mom 🙂
Now, that, my dear Mommies (and Daddies) is sarcasm at it’s finest and was a delight to see my oldest use so well.
Unfortunately, now I have to use sarcasm in the real way with them. They’re too big to discipline with the ‘shut down glare,’ but a well placed sardonic quip can bring them back into a valid line of reason.
Mostly. Sometimes the middle one will put up a fairly decent comeback. Then I remind him who he learned it from 🙂
And I LOVE Erma Bombeck! Probably where I got the nice side of sarcasm! Being raised by a narcissistic sarcastic meanie, I was able to apply the nice humoristic sarcasm of Erma while absorbing the mean-spirited ‘just jokings’ from the father figure.
But, I gotta give the daddyman credit – I can be brutal when the situation calls for it 🙂
(ps. LOVED the Stephanie story! Only us, Babe, ONLY us :):) )
HAHAAH..now THAT was funny. I think our families would blend nicely.
I was that sensitive child, too! But, I’ve made up for it with the weird, sometimes off the wall humor I possess now. Sorry I have been missing in action lately. I have good and bad weeks and I am also in the process of trying to wean myself from caffeine. Not that I know from experience, but I would say that heroin has NOTHING on caffeine for withdrawal. I love my coffee (and tea) but my anxiety symptoms were starting to escalate (somehow, the symptoms are even scarier when they wake you and you are all alone in the middle of the night) and I felt the need to “just DO it”. I don’t know that it will help, but it can’t hurt. Fingers crossed that it makes a difference.
Have a great time at the workshop and get lots of hugging practice in for when we all finally meet in person! HAHA!
So that’s WHERE THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN?????
*squeals with delight*
*BEAR HUG*
Been very very worried.
Yeah, sometimes wish I’d tried heroin just so I could have something to compare to when I quit smoking.
Each time 🙂
Haha, no I don’t wish I’d tried heroin.
Mostly.
Might have made a better excuse for bad behaviour than the booze did, tho.
*holds Terri-Lee’s hand*
Michelle’s going to have SO MUCH FUN at the writing workshop…those writers are gonna get a hum-dinger of a role model!
*hands Terri Lee water in a Mason canning jar with parasol and pink twirly straw*
I am so sorry you’ve been having a difficult time. 🙁
Anxiety is such an asshole.
Hey, Lisa K.!!!
*BIG SQUEEZE* <—that's a hug! HAHA!
I will gladly take that umbrella drink of water! OMG, I'm praying that this exhaustion, irritability and agitation don't stick around too long. You don't know how tempting it is to brew coffee right this very second. I'm still allowing myself one cup of regular coffee first thing in the a.m. only because I wake up with a headache. After a while, I'll stop that, as well. And now, there's the time change on top of it all. Like Lloyd Bridges said in the movie, "Airplane" (one of my all-time favorites): "I picked the wrong day to quit sniffing glue!" 🙂
Can't wait for the post about Michelle's trip to the land where they worship her like the goddess she is! Enjoy this beautiful Sunday, Lisa! XO
That is hilarious – I love it! Thank jesus I’m not the only “mean” mom, as my kids often call me. I was terribly sarcastic in my teens and twenties. It just flowed. My sister would wince. I like to think I mellowed out by the time I became a mother. I do remember when my kids were school age, my son often choked us with his nasty gas (why is that so funny to boys?) and once I told him (rather too seriously): If reincarnation exists, I hope you come back as a seat cushion. My older daughter let me know that was kinda cruel, even though she laughed. Was it? I don’t think so. I mean, reincarnation is probably a bunch of hooey anyways. Have a blast at the workshop! Sounds like a lot of fun. Loved Erma. She really brought a lot of joy to housewives and mums throughout North America. How awesome is that? (Terri Lee: I just quit coffee one week ago cold turkey. Also alcohol & sugar thank you IBS-bastard. Dairy goes this week. Leaving wheat for last, cuz, seriously? Hang in there.)
Hahaah…I didn’t think it was cruel..that was just funny! Haha.
And good luck..I mean, it sounds like you’re making good changes, but damn..that is a lot. I am pulling for you!
Let’s meet up at Erma! I’ll be there too. I just posted my non-winner on my blog as well. http://wp.me/p4e9wS-jP
Ohh..thank you for the link! Yes! I will see you in just a few weeks!
Do you eat the larger M&M packets too? I could never pull that off. Hahaha! Loved this! How did I miss this on the Erma group? Sooooo looking forward to meeting you, funny friend!
I can’t WAIT!!! Although I am really anxious about it. There are going to be so many people there.
OMG Michelle! This just made me laugh so hard that before I was even half-way through I lost control of my breath and starting making these awful heaving sounds, which scared my 15 year old son so much–because he literally thought I was dying—that he hid under a blanket. We’re good now, but you just inadvertently scared the shit out of him through me. Between the ages of 11 months and 5 years old, my son had “breath holding spells”—he would cry so hard that he would expel his entire supply of oxygen, turn blue, his eyes would roll backwards, he’d pass out and then come back to about 60 seconds later while having a seizure. I just told him that I’ve now paid him back (if we were to multiply my frightening fit of laughter by 1000) and we’re square. This actually helped me explain to him what is was like for me when he passed out and had seizures a few times per day for 4 years. THANK YOU!
BTW, once I was breathing normally again I read your post to him and I don’t think I’ve ever heard him laugh so hard.
THIS makes my fucking day. And tell your son I am sorry he was scared. 🙂
Awesome! And my son accepts your apology.
I just wanted to add that the only conceivable reason that I can come up with for you not winning the competition was that you wrote “for my husband and I” instead of “for my husband and me” in the first sentence. I’m somewhat of a grammar Nazi and I hope I haven’t offended you. Are editors that picky? I’d love to get my hands on whatever piece it was that won and see if it causes as much chaos in my house as yours did, which I seriously doubt. Wouldn’t that be a better way to measure?
Oh yeah…someone else even pointed that out and I forgot to fix it. Yes, they can be that picky and and I terrible at editing..just horrible. I am not offended at all!
I’ll be your nit-picky bitch next time. I get accused of that ALL THE TIME!!
Or Margot can 🙂 (Not the nit-picky bitch part… she can be the grammar Nazi!)
(All the BIG writers have proofreaders AND editors… so pick us both! 🙂 )
Hahahha…yeah, but those writers PAY people that do that.
We adopted our kids from a very unsarcastic and refined culture. They are scientific proof that nurture trumps nature in the humour stakes.
And may I suggest you make yourself a badge for the writing Masterclass that says something like “Hug with caution” ?
I love it! Hug with caution is perfect.
According to my mother, her mother cried for three days after mom was born because she had red hair. Granny could be a bitch sometimes…
I’m imagining the Monty Python “Parrot” sketch, only with a lion.
Have fun at Bombeck.
Thank you!!! I am really excited about Erma.
I guess it’s too much to hope that Erma Bombeck herself will make an experience in zombie form? Either way, have a great time!
That would be both awesome and terrifying.
I was totally Joey growing up until I was about 10. I dish sarcasm well, but sometimes I revert to the sensitive child I was when I’m dished it in a certain manner.
He’s probably the most sarcastic of us all now, and he’s still going to get his feelings hurt more quickly than his siblings. Of course, I do realize that indignation is common among the teen crowd.
OMG this absolutely cracked me up – I just snort laughed in the office !!!!!
Enjoy the rest of your day xox
Thank you!!! I still have a little of the weekend left..
I said thing like this to my kids all the time and when they were little they were sometimes crushed…they now say things like this to their own kids and I love hearing it…the circle goes on…
Oh yes..I doubt our circle will be broken..
You’re terrible, lol! I say *cough cough* inappropriate things, but not because I’m joking. Just because I’m an idiot. My husband, on the other hand, has told the kids since they were little that they had another sibling but he was misbehaving in the car so we left him on the side of the road. Apparently this is something his father used to do also. It’s a good damn thing he makes up jokes all the time, otherwise I’m sure the children would be traumatized and I’d be trying to explain myself to Child Protective Services.
That sounds SO MUCH like Randy..omg..
It is funny what kids get and what they do not! Best of luck at the Erma’s.
Thank you! I am so looking forward to it!
That is freaking HILARIOUS!!! Oh my gosh so so funny. I can see though, why you were left with a sobbing kid! But I keep laughing! I could see that play out on a sitcom. 🙂
SO glad he totally has grown to chime right in with the family wit!
he so much has! And thank you, sister. 🙂
I’m so glad to hear that I’m not the only one who has traumatized our kids. We were at a restaurant and I did the “your ice cream doesn’t smell right” and then of course I had to shove it in her face while she was smelling it. My husband didn’t speak to me for 2 days. My son and I thought it was hilarious!
HAHAHHAHA…yeah..cut from the same cloth. Although, that is more a Randy move..
I once had to tell a former coworker that if she was confused, AT ALL, about whether I was being mean, I was just being funny. Or thought I was being funny. Then I told her the story of my fiancé telling me “jokes are for other people.” Granted, I also have made an “in Soviet Russia” joke in the same room as a girl who was, in fact, a little kid during Soviet Russia (and I swear to this day she didn’t hear me or if she did, she didn’t really care. My fiancé maintains she both heard me and was hurt.)
I really TRY to keep it confined to family..but sometimes, they just slip out. I try to remember the advice my dear friend gave me which is this: Always never talk.
The best thing is with those other bloggers you’ll be in good company. And I could see you trying to deflect hugs by saying, “I’m still contagious!” but they’ll probably guess you’re kidding (mostly) and hug you anyway.
I will grin and bear it. Although, I am finding that hugs aren’t as horrible as they used to be. I actually kind of like them. I do have my limits, though. haha.
Besides giving your kids the gift of a sense of humor, you also (accidentally on purpose) taught them to not take themselves too seriously. That’s an awesome gift. Have fun at the conference. I wrote a post about going to a conference for introverts, let me know if you want the link.
Thank you SO MUCH!! I got the link!
ha ha ha ha . . . yea, my sense of humor isn’t always appreciated. and i’ve unintentionally done damage to my kids w/ my sharp (but sometimes stupid) wit. you never know what the perception of a child will pick up on, but they don’t always get adult humor. ugh.
Live and learn, right? hahaha
Ha ha ha, too funny. Yes some people don’t seem to have the dark humour gene, or at least it doesn’t kick in till later in life. I remember at my paternal grandmother’s funeral, a truly sad occasion, my aunt linked arms with my grandfather as they were about to go down the steps to the church. My dad leaned over and said barely audibly, ‘if he falls down these steps you’re next in..’ which on dad’s side caused a fit of silent giggling and looks of horror from the other side of the family.
Guess which side I take after!
Hahahah!!! Right there with you.
I love sarcasm. Your quotes were hysterical.
Thank you!! 🙂
Both my kids learnt the eye-roll really fast! Annoying because now I’m the main target!
Oh yes…mine are all good at the eye roll..it’s genetic.
My youngest is pretty sensitive, too. I have a pretty caustic sense of humor as well I have to be careful.
The twins, on the other hand, they’re old enough to take it and I dish the sarcasm out like syrup on pancakes.
He might grow into it. Mine did.
I’m super lucky – my kids and I all share the same sick sense of humor. We often make each other laugh until we cry. Unfortunately for the ex, he didn’t have a sense of humor (in fairness, he tried – but it was just awkward all the way around). I’m just really hoping that my kids all marry people who get us – otherwise I’m going to offend their spouses over and over. By the way, did ANYONE win the Erma Bombeck thing? I’ve seen a bunch of posts from people who didn’t win – but none from people who did – maybe they are sworn to secrecy?
Yeah, I don’t know the winners, though. Maybe one name was familiar? If you go to the Erma site, they have the winning entries. http://www.wclibrary.info/erma/winners_current.asp
Love it. I thought we were the only ones who when asked by one of our three daughters why so and so gets a new whatever and she doesn’t, we tell her it is because we love the other kid more, of course. When the oldest lost her retainer the second day she had it and told us through tears she would pay for it ($500), we said of course she didn’t have to pay for it. (We were getting ready to close on a house) We told her we wouldn’t be able to move after all, though. She cried even harder and did not appreciate the humor at the time. Fast forward, husband lost his job and 15 year old asked if we were going to have to eat the dog
Hahahaha…they DO learn, don’t they??
First of all, Margot sent me. I love knowing how people landed on my blog, so that’s my story. She linked this post on her comment cause I was calling the G-kids “Shower Pooper” and whatnot when they tried to call me Grandma. My kids’ favorite story is that I had identical twins, but somehow when they were born, one was all fucked-up looking. So I would go get the cute baby and bring him out to show everyone and say “This is David”, and then I would go back in the room and bring David out again and introduce him as Ricky. Ricky was too fug.
HAHAHAHAH that is awesome!
I don’t know how I ended up here. I was looking for empty nest bloggers and found you and now I am glad I did because I am laughing so hard. Thank you, I needed that! 🙂
Oh, I am so glad you liked it! Thank you!
I think we must’ve been separated at birth. Growing up, you didn’t survive in our house without a thick skin and (eventually) a PhD in sarcasm. I tell my kids all the time (when they SOMEHOW don’t get their way) I don’t like them as much as the other 2, etc. Plus I feel like it’s my duty to teach them how to curse in most creative ways! Keep on, keepin’ on! You’re awesome!
THANK YOU! It is SO GOOD to not be alone in this. hahahah
Well at least he eventually forgot the incident. When my daughter was in grade one and come home from school one day I asked her if she had homework (which often she did). She responded while batting her beautiful blue eyes “I’m pretty I don’t have to do homework”. To that I responded you’re not that pretty do you’re homework. That was 30 years ago, she brought in 7 scholarships graduated university but still doesn’t think of herself as pretty. And yes I’m still a shit for saying it in jest
I feel you, I’m sorry. I learned the lesson far too late of how much weight my words carried.