How creepy is the creepiest person you ever met at work?
I think about work too much. It consumes way too much of my conscious thought. It’s not consumed by work I have to do or by ideas for projects or planning out my ‘work time’ during my ‘me time’. It’s consumed more by a variation of this thought: For all that is fucking holy, I have to go back there. For fuck’s sake, was I Eva Braun in my last life?
Oh, and I will apologize in advance if I’ve offended any Eva Braun supporters or historians who can tell me in great detail about how Eva Braun was just as much a victim. I don’t know. I don’t know that much about Eva Braun.
In either case, its my brain and it will think what it wants.
But I digress.
I have two people that I can talk about here. They were both from previous jobs, but holy fuck, were they creepy. The names have been changed to protect the shudder inducing creeps.
The first one, Ralph, was a scrawny little blond dude with bushy hair like John Travolta on Welcome Back Kotter. This is the guy that you know wore platform shoes back in the seventies when he was in high school.
I was a consultant in the IT department of a huge ‘rent to own’ company. I hated going there because the whole rent to own thing is creepy on its own. Although, if I am honest, I hated going there just as much because of Ralph. When I started there, I was in a long line of cubicles that were just outside of a long line of offices. There was a ‘desk hierarchy’ at this company. You started in the cubicle then moved into an office, which were split into two offices, one closest to the hallway and the back one, which had a view of the golf course outside the building.
A new programmer was hired full time and was assigned to the cubicle I was using. I was a consultant, so I did not have to conform to the hierarchy. The department director moved me into the window office behind me. The other person in that office was Ralph.
Ralph was not pleased. He was not pleased on many levels. He did not express this displeasure when his boss told him of the change. He didn’t say anything when I took my purse and briefcase into my new space. He waited until I went back out out to the cubicle and then he shut and locked the door to the office.
When I tried to get in, he yelled through the door. “I am not letting you in. You shouldn’t get a window and I am not sharing an office with a woman”.
I asked him if I could at least get my purse out. He opened the door a fraction of an inch like a scared little old lady. “You get your stuff and get out. I will be watching”.
I got my stuff and continued working in the cubicle until the director came by and asked what I was still do there. I told him I was fine right where I was. He got a little annoyed and explained again about the desk hierarchy. So I had no choice then but to say “Well, then we have a little problem”.
Ralph was furious with me for ratting him out.
He realized the battle was lost and consoled himself with openly glaring at me whenever I walked in the room for about a week. Then he loosened up and got creepier.
Every morning when I would walk in he would pick up a picture of his wife and two daughters and bring over for me to see. Every morning. The morning show and tell also included these words: “Look at them. They are the most beautiful girls in the whole world. Tell me they are the most beautiful girls you’ve ever seen”. Then he would sit down at his desk and coo at his picture. “Look at them…they’re angels”.
I don’t remember anything else with Ralph, other than he used to intently stare at women when they were at their desks. Apparently, there were complaints.
I knew Ralph when we lived in Wichita, KS. I wasn’t sorry when we moved a number of states away from Ralph.
The other creep was Ken. Ken was a boss I had at my last job. Ken might be the foulest human being I have ever know. I’d need more than a blog post to express the creepiness that was Ken, so instead, I will just hit the highlights of his creepiness as a person. His creepiness as a boss could fill a book on how to be a terrible boss.
- He smelled like boiled cabbage
- When he talked to you, he would stand within six inches of you.
- He laughed like a hyena on helium
- He had a skin condition that caused him to have sores on his arms. He constantly picked at and licked these sores.
- Yes, I said licked.
- When he wasn’t picking at sores, he was rearranging his balls.
He eventually got fired for none of those things and I was given his job.
I made one demand when I took over his office. I needed a new chair. No way I was using Cabbage McStinkySore’s chair.
So how about about, who has been your creepiest coworker? Or if that doesn’t apply, you can always just tell me about a run of the mill creep.