Screaming My Songs

It might be possible that I have the teeniest of issues with road rage.

This is me, squirming while admitting I have a thoroughly unattractive habit.

Anyway, it’s not like I’m aggressive or threatening. I just get super annoyed with other drivers. Sometimes, I am annoyed before I even leave my driveway. I fully admit that the problem lies with me.

My road rage comes out in shouting and swearing at other drivers. “Piece of shit mother fucker” makes a frequent appearance.

My dad was horrible in the car. He was always angry. Always yelling. I loathe that I do the same thing. I don’t want to be that person. I don’t want to feel so goddamn angry when I’m in the car.

I mean, sometimes people do stupid shit and it’s going to piss me off. I’m only human, I think most people feel at least a little irritation from time to time when they are behind the wheel.

The driveway thing? Yeah, that happened early last week.

I was pulling out of my driveway and a neighbor pulled out of his, kind of cut me off, and then drove painfully slow.

I was annoyed. I was thoroughly annoyed. Goddammit so much, he was on my nerves.

Bullet The Blue Sky by U2 was playing on Sirius. I sang along as loud as I could instead of cursing my neighbor, his children, and their children. I felt a little more calm and let go of the angry feeling pretty quick. I was goddamn on to something.

I got on the interstate. Here’s where my screaming my song theory would be tested to the fullest. I’ve never made it to work without yelling at least one person.

Sure enough, someone did something dumb. I don’t remember what. I just remember that I was listening to The Cure and I was singing at the screaming songsother driver as loud as I could. Whatever words I say…I will always love you.

Then, I cracked up because singing the words “I will always love you” to a stranger, who I am currently angry with, is absurd. I felt much better in record time.

So anyway, I was completely sure this method would work.

Until the next day. Here are my thoughts as I attempted to implement my screaming songs therapy:

Fuck. I don’t know the words to “She Sells Sanctuary”. 

Which preset is the Lithium station?

Oh god, not Billy Corgan. That’s just going to piss me off more. 

These thoughts were followed by:

“Fuck you, motherfucker. Let me fucking merge.”

Randy suggested that I make a smartphone playlist for driving and not count on Sirius to play songs I know or that don’t piss me off. He’s pretty smart.

Of course, I need a course of action for dealing with him sometimes as well. We had the following conversation this morning. I am not even kidding.

I went out to the deck earlier this morning. It was already stupidly hot out. I opened the umbrella and bent it at an angle to keep the sun off my face, drank some coffee, decided it was too hot, then went back in.

A few hours later, Randy looked out the window.

Randy: Who put the umbrella up like that?

Me: I did this morning.

Randy: I just put it down last night.

Me: What?

Randy: The umbrella was up and at an angle yesterday. I just put it down last night.

Me: Yeeeah…and this morning, I opened the umbrella and used it for it’s intended purpose.

Me: Are you saying that if you put the umbrella down, that the experience was so exhausting that we should never use the umbrella again? Or do you just need weeks to recover?

Randy:…

Me:…

He’ll put the umbrella down later tonight, he always does. Then, I will have coffee on the deck tomorrow morning and the cycle will repeat itself.

Only, maybe instead of being sarcastic to Randy when he bitches about the umbrella being left up, I will scream “How ever long I stay…I will always love you.”

Oh, and I got another sponsored post. I really enjoy getting paid. Getting paid is awesome. So, my next post will be about invitations/greeting cards. I’m also going to giving away a big stack of cards, so check back in on Thursday.

Share
Add your comments below. Profanity is encouraged, but not required. ;)
  1. Nasreen says:

    That seems like a very positive way to get out your aggression, actually.

    Reply
  2. Lisa K says:

    Scream Therapy is my favorite and it was $150 for that prescription so I use it often.
    My horses get a little butt hurt, so I have to pet them and reassure them that it’s not them, but I have found the pasture to be a perfect scream therapy auditorium.
    Yes, I have neighbors, but three screams in and they don’t matter anymore. Heck, I’ve asked a couple of ’em if they ‘want some of this?’
    😉
    Turning the radio up loud and singing at top volume is how I used to get my boys to stop fighting in the van. Oh, Boy. They HATED that, but it was either that or pull over and beat them.
    😉
    Yes, do as Randy suggests and make that Road Rage Work Commute playlist. Nothing worse than trying to stay pissed off to ‘Let me Love you Tonight.’
    (I just made that up… any song besides “I Hate Everything About You” would piss me off for being pissed off about road rage and not being able to work up to a full tizzy.)
    You can come scream in my pasture. It’s fun and the neighbors will wonder who the new screamer is 🙂

    Reply
    • Michelle says:

      Hahahah…I was going to say “I would love to scream in your pasture” but thought it sounded too dirty.

      Reply
      • Lisa K says:

        It’s a pasture… it’s full of dirt and grass… ‘Screaming in my pasture’ better be dirty 😉

        If we run the sprinklers right we can dance in the rain and get muddy…

        Now THAT sounds dirty! 🙂

        Tink? Wanna play in the mud and get dirty while we scream? It’s therapy and you might be able to get a reimbursement from your insurance… billed at $200 an hour sound right?

        Reply
        • Terri Lee says:

          $200.00 an hour sounds right to me! Haha!!! Hey, anytime I get to roll around in mud with the horses, I’m one happy camper! Can we build a campfire, too? 😀 XOXO

          After this road rage post, don’t be surprised Michelle if your next sponsored post is by Smith and Wesson! HAHA!

          Reply
          • Michelle says:

            Haha…well, I would probably pass on a gun post.

          • Lisa K says:

            Oh, Please Blessed Mother, let Smith & Wesson see this! Or Remington… not the razor, although…

            We can build a campfire and if the corn is high enough dance naked in broad daylight!! Only way to dry the mud 🙂
            Yeah, something about being in the company of horses fixes alot of fucked up shit. Maybe we should just put a horse on every corner for people to pet?
            When I had my van and my mini and she would stick her head out the window we got pointed at a lot, and in the good way 🙂

  3. Spiked Lee says:

    Woke up to oppressive heat this morning, by the sound of my lovely neighbor doing rehab on the house. With jackhammers. And compressors. And back-up beeps. And whiny stuff. And loud shit.
    Yes I slept through my alarm. Shut up.
    Wanna come scream with me? I could use the help.

    Reply
  4. Spiked Lee says:

    P.S. try this, one of my faves for screaming:

    “Waiting for My Gin to Hit Me” by The Skeletons, but the Iguanas and Ronnie Self also do good versions.

    Bonus, if you are screaming it from 8 to 9 and your boss comes in early, it scares the bejeebus out of her, and she stays away the rest of the day. Just sayin.’

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-1RIE3wQovM

    Reply
  5. Mila says:

    Road rage. It’s real. #NotAlone

    Reply
  6. Katnap says:

    I have to listen to something mellow to counteract my deep desire to rage a blue streak all the way to work and back. Recently my daughter got in my car and said the old Snow Patrol cd is too sad so I flipped on Virgin Radio (yuck) and explained that mama NEEDS musical assistance so I don’t kill anyone. It’s not a perfect system. While I’m singing along to SP or Sade or The Franklin Electric or KD Lang I feel my blood pressure is normal, however I still pepper those lyrics with frequent shouts of “ASSHOLE!!!” and “YOU’RE A FUCKING MORON!” Yup. BTW, the umbrella thing seems a tad OCDy. Peace, sister.

    Reply
  7. You are hilarious. I learned a Zen phrase years ago that (like the singing thing) sometimes works for me: “you are not the target.” The idea is to understand that every person is so intent on getting where they’re going, that they aren’t even aware of me – it’s not personal. If that doesn’t work, I talk to them like they’re preschoolers: “careful, baby, I almost ran into you that time – you could get hurt!” In my less-evolved moments, I yell “FUCK ME RUNNING NAKED THROUGH THE SNOW!” It is both cathartic and funny and usually calms me down. Usually.

    Reply
    • Michelle says:

      I LOVE running naked through the snow. I LOVE it. Hahahahah! I kind of want to run through the snow right now as I am presently melting even in air conditioning.

      Reply
    • Cindy H says:

      I like that.
      “You are not the target.”
      I like it.
      It goes along with the Q-Tip theory.
      Quit Taking it Personal[ly].

      Reply
  8. Haralee says:

    I don’t suffer road rage. Maybe because I used to work 1 week every month for 13 years in LA navigating that freeway system and those of SF and Seattle, I became Zen like. If the song list helps, go for it.

    Reply
  9. Shelley says:

    On Saturday, I got annoyed by something or other while driving, muttered something negative and steamed for a few moments. My 24 year old daughter said, “Do you want to talk about it?” Then we laughed for most of the ride home.

    Reply
  10. Kate says:

    Cracking up at the visual this invokes. And Michelle, this couldn’t be more timely. I wasn’t driving, but I had fucking HAD it the other day. I played 4 NonBlondes What’s Up over and over just to scream/sing on my deck.
    My neighbors, all retired, must have wondered at the caterwauling coming from my home, but I consider it payback for all their damned lawn machinery going full blast on Sunday mornings.

    Reply
    • Michelle says:

      4 Non Blonds is EXCELLENT to scream to. GOOD choice!

      Reply
      • Kate says:

        Here’s another one for you. When Mom was dying, we took her on a last trip to a casino to play some slots. That was her thing. On the way there, my sister, niece, Mom and I belted out These Boots Are Made For Walking. It was a bit of a fuck you to cancer, and a rousing tribute to female solidarity that day that I will never forget.
        Oh, and Mom came home a winner that day in more ways than one.

        Reply
  11. I don’t get road rage when I’m driving because I live in the constant fear of being in or causing an accident. I’m pretty sure I have caused road rage in other drivers by doing the following things:
    1)Hanging back so a driver who was waiting to turn could go ahead.
    2) Coming to a complete stop at a STOP sign.
    3) Only driving a couple of miles over the speed limit.
    With the last two there was a specific incident, although I may not have actually caused the road rage. It may have been that the guy was just a big fucking asshole who needed to have his license and vehicle taken away. Driving through a residential area doing about 35 in a 30mph zone the guy came up behind me and was tailgating so closely I could hear him breathing. I came to a stop at a STOP sign and he lay down on his horn then followed me through the intersection.
    Then he pulled around me on a two-way street with no passing, flipped me off, and when he disappeared over the hill I’m pretty sure he was doing at least 70.
    In a residential neighborhood.
    With kids around.
    I’m not telling you this to make you feel better but I know you’ll never be that bad.
    And tell Randy to leave the umbrella alone.

    Reply
    • Michelle says:

      Oh god, no..I would never do that! what an ass. There is a kid in my neighborhood who does that shit. When he gets behind me, I go slooooooooow.

      Reply
  12. KK says:

    Ha ha ha ha, that umbrella thing makes me wonder if Randy is somehow related to my mother!

    Reply
    • Michelle says:

      Haha..you know..he might be! Maybe you’re cousins or something. You actually do look quite a bit like his middle sister, all the way down to the dark curly hair.

      Reply
  13. KK says:

    Ah, that’s from my dad’s side. My mum was blonde (now grey), and blue eyed but that’s so the type of thing she does. 🙂
    Drives us mad!

    Reply
  14. Doug in Oakland says:

    OK, so I was all like Yeah, I was a professional delivery driver for over a million miles, I’ll knock this comment out of the park! And then I read Deborah’s comment and remembered how I actually did deal with road rage… If you need good music for righteous indignation, may I suggest Motorhead? “Come on baby and eat the rich, bite down on the son of a bitch!” Or the song “Dogs” works well for me also.
    But anyway, what Deborah reminded me of was the talking-to-a-toddler voice I used to use when other drivers did the things we all just love them for doing: “Stay in your lane, dear. This truck weighs 19,000 pounds and mass times velocity equals force…”

    Reply
  15. AmberLynn says:

    I love this technique, even for dealing with the people in your car who are giving you road rage.

    Reply
    • Michelle says:

      I am usually okay with the inhabitants of the car. Unless my husband is driving. Or if I’m driving and he’s bitching about my driving.

      Nope. You’re right..it will help in that case as well. Haha

      Reply
  16. I’m in Sarasota FL. Between the retirees, snowbirds, and people from Michigan that have no idea / no clue / no timeframe, I can totally relate to the road rage. My favorite bumper sticker is “not all of us are here on vacation”. I discovered that playing classical music keeps my rage down. I’m suddenly all kinds of sophisticated and cultured and will arrive whenever I arrive, by jove. And yeah, Randy needs to just leave the umbrella alone 🙂

    Reply
  17. Randy says:

    What’s with Randy’s umbrella vigilance? Well, this is the first time we’ve owned an umbrella for more than one season (we’re on season two). Plus, there’s the aching-to-be-broken glass topped table which flips over with a hard blowing wind. Seems easier to put the fucker down at night, you know?

    Reply
    • Michelle says:

      Yes…putting it down is FINE…but bitching when it gets opened up again is NOT fine. Oh great keeper of the umbrella.

      Reply
      • Keeper of The Umbrella says:

        It’s not opening that creates the problem. It’s the leaving open all night (i.e. not closing) which results in torn umbrellas and a flipped table – Keeper of the Umbrella

        Reply
        • Michelle says:

          Yes. I realize that. However, I am probably never going to put the umbrella down. However, in THE MORNING, I will put it back up if I require the services of the umbrella.

          Reply
          • Lisa K says:

            *grabs Terri Lee’s hand*
            *plops down on sofa*
            *closes mouth*
            *tries to lower eyebrows*
            *sideways glance at Terri Lee*
            Shh… let’s see …

  18. Oh God my husband and yours have to twins. We were just sitting on the new front porch in a subdivision we aren’t used too: Hubby: I feel like everyone is looking at me. Me: That is very narcissistic of you. Hubby looking at Me strangely: I don’t start fires. Me:…I got nothin’. Yep, that’s my life in the suburbs.

    Reply
  19. Me says:

    OMG I just splattered my breakfast over my keyboard at the conversation between you and Randy – and then again when I read Rena’s comment !!!
    I’m going to try your theory of singing loudly when someone causes me road rage although, thinking about it it may be a little difficult as I’m listening to podcasts at the moment and I have absolutely NO idea what they are going to be saying next – actually sometimes I have no idea what they have just said because my mind wandered and I wasn’t listening !!!!
    Enjoy the shade from the brolly tomorrow !!! PMSL

    Reply
  20. Laura Burhans says:

    Oh no, not another sponsored post. I was making those damn blue apron meals for weeks… Must be strong… Must be strong… Must be strong…

    Reply
    • Michelle says:

      Hahahah! That’s awesome. Well…unless you have an event that you need invitations for, I think you’ll be able to resist the temptation.

      Reply
  21. Troll says:

    If the point of closing the umbrella is to keep it from tipping over taking the table with it there are heavy, water-filled rings that the umbrella fit into. Cheap. We’ve yet to have our table fall over in gusts up to 50 MPH with the thing open.
    As for the aggressive driving try it in a big truck and trailer. They will move over when thy see you’re not going to let them merge. Somedays are like that.

    Reply
  22. Liv says:

    I love you. But I’m pretty sure I could never drive with you.

    Reply
  23. When I get frustrated to the point where I want to hurt someone, I scream really LOUD!!!. As the incident is happening, right in the middle of it, I just let it go AHHHHHHH!!. This usually makes me feel better, and the person annoying me sometimes stops being a jerk and turns around to see why is this crazy woman screaming.:)

    Reply
  24. Julie says:

    I channel the mouth of a trucker the minute my foot hits the accelerator (assuming all truck drivers have potty mouths). I am horrified at my own behavior, especially when transporting my 16-year-old and her friends around town. They think it’s funny. I think I need a course in anger management. Immediately!

    Reply