If someone was searching for something, when I was a young adult, it was usually a profound journey of sorts. If something was lost, you just looked for it. If you searched, you were probably going through some shit.
These days we all search. We are searching motherfuckers. We even have engines for searching.
Randy thinks I’ve done this post too many times.
I don’t know. It’s Sunday. I’ve had weeks of being in a constant state of panic and I’m tired. So, thinking up new blog post material just isn’t on my radar today.
Why should I when I have access to the search terms that bring people here?
I have to disregard about 85% of search terms because they are either disturbing or boring, but what is left is just laying there, waiting for me to steal it so I don’t have to think too hard on a Sunday.
So, here you go, some of the search terms used to get to my blog:
Bass shoes: Are they looking for shoes that will give them rhythm or shoes made out of fish? I mean, they might have been looking for actual Bass shoes since that’s a thing, but I prefer to believe someone thought they might find insight on shoes made of fish on Rubber Shoes In Hell. My advice is against. Never wear shoes made out of fish. Unless they are rubber fish, then wear them because that would be funny. Take pictures.
I have escapes: I hear this in an eastern European accent. I’m thinking that if they have just escaped, they shouldn’t google about it, they should just keep escaping. And if you made it to my blog from that search term, then you had to be 
at least hundreds of pages deep. You might consider that you suck at escaping.
Movie villain election: Exactly.
A cat’s purpose: Is to look into your eyes as if to say “why the fuck are you even looking at me? Get me food. Go away.” And then demand snuggles at 3:00 am on a work night.
Rubber slipper in hell: That’s just silly. No one would wear rubber slippers in hell. That doesn’t even make any sense, god. You have to read that like Napoleon Dynamite. I have no idea why. Just do it.
Personal space dentist: Yeah, I can’t help there, but this is a good search. Dentists have no regard for personal space. Sure, they need access to the face hole, but is it necessary to have their stomach pressed against my ear? I can literally hear Taco Bell being digested. Or should I get a new dentist?
Grown adult and my dad is an asshole: I feel you sister and/or brother.
Mandela effect sherbet: I do find the Mandela effect interesting. I also want sherbet. For the record, it’s sherBET not sherBERT. If you think it is pronounced sherbert, then you are likely in the wrong reality right now. Sorry. I hope you find your way back.
I am allowed to have an opinion: Yes. Yes you are. But don’t count on it meaning much. And you aren’t granted automatic respect for your opinion. Especially if your opinion is stupid. Like you support Nazis or think eggnog is good. Also, always punch a Nazi.
Groupon: How many pages deep would a person have to go to find my blog searching only Groupon? If I had to guess, I would think it would take days. More than one person found their way here by searching Groupon. It’s a mystery.
How to survive meetings: Plaster a smile on your face and hope you don’t have to talk. Try to not watch the clock, it slows down time for everyone. That’s how you survive. Also, fantasize about different ways you can force a person to stop talking.
Local news: I don’t even watch local news. This one confounds me as well. More than one person found my blog by searching “local news”. I assume it was on page 457,687.
Restroom of any other name: Would still smell as sweet? I told you, this shit writes itself.
Purpose of the shoes cat: I have no idea but I want to know. I also want to know what a shoes cat is. When we sell this house and get our death house, then we might consider maybe getting a third cat. If shoes cats are a thing, I might need one of those. If you’ve been around a while, then you might remember that I wrote numerous times about wanting a kitten and how Randy was adamantly against it. For years. Now, he loves the cats so much. He’s a big goober for the cats. It was actually his idea to maybe, perhaps think about getting a third cat when we move.
I am not sure if you are not responsible: I am not sure either, but I am completely sure there is a less awkward way to word this. I just can’t think of it, because this search term hurts my head a little.
Is rubber footwear bad for your eyes?: Probably not, but they make a terrible fashion statement. Sorry to all your Croc lovers. Also, I am sorry and you make me a little sad.
I hate getting ready for work: Who fucking doesn’t? Suck it up, buttercup. Put on that happy face and get your ass to work. You can curl up in a fetal position later.
Jeelipeer sex: I have no idea. Absolutely none. I also think I might be missing out on something.
There you have it. My most recent search terms.
Other than the ones that have to do with goats and other topics I don’t even want to discuss. If you are here through a weird, twisted search term, then you need to re-evaluate your life. And call your mother and apologize. Sicko.
Photo courtesy of Lennart kcotsttiw
I get the ‘Groupon’ one… keyword search 😉
Oh. Wait. That might be how I search for books on the cat… card catalog… not ‘cat’ as in kitty.
My MIL is redoing one of her guest (grandbaby) rooms and found a cool print that had been discontinued.
I have been ‘image’ searching, and other than the fact that Google swears I’m trying to find curtains (I’m looking for the comforter/bed spread) I must say, Google image search does a pretty good job at matching colors!
I’d say, for me in particular, finding you was a good ending to a possibly otherwise very boring day <3
YAY! Thank you, sweetness!
Just FYI, a shoes cat is a cat who brings you your shoes in the morning or crafts your shoes or something. No, they don’t exist. This is an outlandish concept that even the Grimm Brothers refused to touch. (They subbed in elves – much more believable)
Sadly, the search terms I find are generally a shit-ton more prosaic. Current one is “are their (sic) different stages of blizzard.” Yes, yes there are and I helpfully listed them.
Yeah, cats fetch when they feel like it. My baby kitty plays fetch with a little green mouse which is adorable. Except at 3:00am.
I always wonder whether people who find my blog with odd search terms are happy with what they find. I guess they don’t often comment after finding it that way, but still.
I’m pretty sure that a BUNCH of mine are disappointed.
We humans – endlessly weird and fascinating, and sometimes scary!
ENDLESSLY weird. That is so true.
Well, I found you a while back by typing in “Something about shoes in hell.” Up it came. I haven’t looked closely at how I’m found, but I think I will, now.
Mostly my search terms are upsetting. There are SO MANY of them. Just because I write about being a mother and that I have sons and I use the word “fuck” doesn’t mean those words should be combined. ew ew ew ew ew ew EW
They are some times funny. My business website is another story. I have to continuously add more negative keywords to my Adwords account so I don’t end up paying for some weirdo’s clicks!
That sucks. Weirdos fuck up everything. The bad weirdos. Good weirdos make life more interesting.
I always thought it was sorbet. Sherbert or sorbet. Sherbert was what my dad ate. Sorbet was what my mom ate. I like to eat sorbet so I can feel fancy in whatever universe I live in.
It is fancy as fuck. haha
It’s extra fucking fancy with some champagne!
But beer works too.
Jeelipeer sex, or Jali Peer Sex, appears to be a middle Eastern flavor of porn, just going by the search results, and there were a surprising variety of fish shoes, including zebra striped pimp shoes with floating fish in the clear heels, and several varieties of fish slippers:
https://www.amazon.com/slippers-Non-slip-Sandals-Creative-Slippers/dp/B073F7J7QQ
And I have heard some talk about the Mandela effect, but my take is that I will resist the urge to abandon reality just because I currently disapprove of some of it.
Unless you’re talking about Mandela Parkway, which is a street in West Oakland that I used to have to cross to get to the hotdog vendor. Damn, now I want one of those hotdogs, and I don’t live down there any more.
I hope you are feeling better soon.
Things ARE better…not great, but it won’t be great until at least after the first of the year. And I guess I haven’t missed out on the sex thing at all. I also want a hotdog right now.
I don’t remember how I got here. All I know is the mayor on Buffy is really starting to freak me out.
Also I can’t help thinking of what Dave Attell said about eggnog: “It’s for when you want to get a little drunk but you also want pancakes.”
I think I’ve shared that before. I should go now but I will find my way back.
Randy loved the mayor, he cracked him up
I cannot remember how I found your blog. But I am glad I did. You make me laugh and make me realize I am not the only crazy bitch on the planet. We also look at random stuff in weird ways. Feel better darlin’. The asshole finally won, I got fired today. 62 was fun finding a job, I am sure 65 is going to be sooooo much better. Actually I am soooo relieved.
Okay, good. I am glad you are relieved! What are you going to do next?
They are paying me tomorrow and then a month’s salary plus insurance for a month. I will draw unimployment. We are just about ready to rent one of the houses. After a month I have to pay COBRA. I wish I could just get by. I hate accounting. But maybe if the environment is different. I guess I will get my resume together and call my headhunters I worked with before. I am going to take my time. I really don’t want to go back to work at all.
I don’t blame you, I wouldn’t want to, either
I love eggnog. That is a statement of fact, not an opinion. I do NOT eat eggs, though, unless they are completely hidden in texture and taste (so, ya know, baked goods, huevo limon soup, and eggnog). I also drink my eggnog straight from the carton, or as creamer in my coffee. I do not add alcohol.
My blog is hosted by Google and I have yet to learn how to use the Google whatever to discover my blog’s common search terms. And now I haz a sad.
Thanks, Michelle! Thanks, Obama! ThanksForNuthin, Orange Nightmare DrumpsterFire!
Hahaha! Ewww on the eggnog, though. blech.
Once you again you have managed to make me appear to be a mad woman. It seems the only spare time I have to read your posts are when I’m in a doctor’s waiting room …. or picking up my dry cleaning. As usual, I couldn’t help myself and LOL’d. A very serious and proper woman glanced my way. I ignored her as she did me when I walked into the tiny room where I was the only other patient. I hope she wonders what I find so funny. If she dares ask, I’ll tell her to search “stick up ones ass.” Although I doubt it will lead to you, seems you never know!
Hahahah!! This makes my morning! Thank you.
Eggnog is delicious. This is a fact, not mere opinion. If you’ve been drinking crappy eggnog, then I’m truly sorry for the terrible things that have happened in your mouth but let’s not go blaming the noble nog for all that.
Also, I have a shoes cat. She decided when she was tiny that I was her role-model, which is why she’s got a wide butt and loves shoes. We have to keep them away from her if we don’t want them filled with her (and her hair and drool) and she’s never so excited about anything as a new shoebox in the house. The purpose of a shoes cat? I haven’t yet figured that part out, sorry. She drools when she’s happy, then shakes it off and spatters it everywhere, and the thing that scares her most is everything, but especially the fact that everyone knows her name.
Okay..well..if you want to drink nutmeg flavored phlegm…I guess that is okay.
And your shoes cat sounds awesome. My black kitty just tried his hardest to insert himself into a packing envelope with no luck. He’s pouting now.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! To both of you! YES to eggnog! Yes to a shoes kitty who drools! Yes to packing envelope kitty!
Wait, now I want to know about the goats. I like goats. Why is goats a bad search term? baby goats in PJs is my go-to happy place….
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qfxUt9UM0nc
trust me, you do not want to know about the goat searches. And thank you for the link! I am sick in bed, so this is perfect.
I found you via a shared post, and have stayed since. But before I subscribed and couldn’t recall your site’s name, I recall typing in “rubber room in hell.”
Hahahaha…That’s actually a GREAT name!