Shocking Boomer Sex Secrets

I wanted to try this out. You know, a super click bait-y title.

I mean, I guess I did with this one article about things not to wear after fifty, but I have never included the word “shocking”. I think you have to have the word “Shocking”, “Bizarre” or “Unbelievable” in the title to truly be a rock solid click bait title.

It totally worked, didn’t it?

You guys wanted to hear salacious details about old people sex, didn’t you?

Weirdos.

Well, this article has elements that every other click bait article has. There are no secrets in this post and I’m reasonably sure no one will be shocked. Also, it will probably leave you slightly annoyed and somewhat unsatisfied. Sorry.

There aren’t any secrets and I assure you, I don’t do anything shocking.

Boomer sex is one of two things. On or off. Either we’re having sex or we aren’t. Personally, I’d like to hang on to that shit for as long as we can.

It does change, though. Radically.

Here’s a teeny glimpse into boomer sex.

I am 55 years old and, on Thursday, found myself in a fishnet body stocking.

I mean, not by accident.

We moved and unearthed artifacts from long ago and decided to brush off a classic.

Me: I feel like a toad.

Randy: Have you ever caught a fly with your tongue?

Me: OMG, yes. Yes, I have.

Randy:…

Me: There was this corner store when I was a kid that made snow cones and you know I love snow cones. I’ve always loved snow cones.

Randy: I am well aware of your fondness of snow cones. Especially, cherry snow cones. 

Me: Well, one time I got a cherry snow cone and there was a dead fly in the straw and I sucked it into my mouth

Randy: Oh shit. That’s some nasty shit.

Me: I know. I had to pick individual fly legs off my tongue.

Randy: Hahaha, holy shit.

Me: So, we have just scientifically proven by your test that I am, in fact, a toad.

Randy: Hop on over here.

Me: I have to pee again.

Randy: Don’t pee on your hands, you’ll get warts.

Me: That’s an old wive’s tale. Frog urine does not cause warts. Warts are caused by a virus.

Randy: Whatever, toad girl.

Minutes pass because I am old and I guess old ladies take forever to pee. 

Me: Hey, come in here.

Randy comes in to see me with the body stocking around my ankles.

Me: The plumber dude is coming on Monday for that little carbon monoxide issue, right? 

Randy: Yeah, he’ll probably be done before you get done peeing. 

Me: You are hilarious.

Randy: I’m going to  watch that hot sauce show until you’re ready.

Seriously, what fucking happens that makes it take so long to pee? Is it just me? Because I am assuming it is all old ladies. I can’t contemplate that it is just me because I am already a professional level hypochondriac and have no room to bedroom ceilingadd another reason why I am probably going to die soon. Anyway, by the time I get finished peeing estimated time, three rounds of Words with Friends, it seems silly to put the body stocking back on which felt super itchy anyway.

Me: Have you seen this episode?

Randy: Yeah, it’s the one with Charlize Theron. She is bad ass.

Me: Do you want to get back to business? I ditched the fishnet thingy. And I’m going to have to pee again.

Randy: I love it when you talk dirty.

Me: Fucking hell, she is bad ass. She’s hardly sweating. Remember the one with Kevin Hart? That was hysterical. She’s like the anti-Kevin Hart.

Randy: I’ll put that one on next. And then you have to see the Tenacious D episode.

An hour later. 

Me: I have to pee again

Randy: Okay.

Randy: Put the fishnet thingy on again.

Me: Dude, seriously? You’re lucky to get a quickie nooner thing right now. I’m tired.

Randy:…

Randy:..

Randy: Make me a pop tart?

Me: I can’t reach them, you put them in the shelf above the fridge.

Then Randy started composing a song that included the lyric “If I had a six foot wife, I wouldn’t have to fetch my own pop tarts.” 

Me: Keep it up, motherfucker. At this point, you are going to be lucky to get “nooner level” enthusiasm from me.

I’m not telling you anything else because eww. There are no shocking boomer sex secrets, though.

However, just because you’re kind of old, have been together forever and can get derailed by people eating super hot chicken wings, doesn’t mean sex can’t still be hot.

I don’t think that is shocking, though.

Or a secret.

 

 

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Add your comments below. Profanity is encouraged, but not required. ;)
  1. Here I was looking for some down and dirty sex tips…instead just another episode of midlife sexcapades. Honest and true!

    Reply
  2. Denise says:

    I’m back in the dating pool, and the best thing I have to say about boomer sex tips is that it’s totally cool to have a nooner and take a little nap! Sooooo sexy, but hey, I love it!!

    Reply
  3. BarbaraM says:

    If you had an actual “Like” button I could click to let you know I was here and enjoyed this – It brought back memories of doing ‘work arounds’ my fickle female parts.

    Reply
  4. Haralee says:

    Snow cones and fishnet body stockings and click bate title and it all works! Go figure?

    Reply
  5. Doug in Oakland says:

    Some times things can be more fun when they aren’t so terribly important any more. Or perhaps I’m just fed up with my housemate’s young girlfriend and her screaming tirades.
    Could be either one.

    Reply
  6. So in the end the tip is that you can be a boomer take forever to pee and be totally, casually comfortable with your partner and still enjoy sex.
    And you’ve shown that even click-bait can still be true.
    Congratulations on some seriously high-level multi-tasking.

    Reply
    • Michelle says:

      HEY!!! Right! So…I actually DID offer a tip. Of sorts. But just the one tip.

      I am trying so so so so hard to find a way to work “just the tip” in this reply and I can’t do it.

      Well, other than I just did, but it wasn’t subtle or clever or anything.

      Reply
  7. Sherry Bucalo says:

    Ok so since it’s football season and I am from Cincinnati, I immediately thought you were writing about his sex secrets……. yeah

    Reply
  8. Lisa K says:

    Seems like sex and peeing take up a lot of my day, too… well, thoughts of sex, while I’m peeing, since I have so much time to think then…
    My favorite movie line ever: Brace yourself, Effie – foreplay is over.
    I saw the movie when I was 10 or 12, somewhere in there, too young to grasp the prophecy of the statement, yet old enough to cringe at the meaning…
    Then comes high school… suffice it to say that if I had gone this long without sex during those 4 years my mother would have been thrilled.
    Picturing you with a fishnet thingy around your ankles kinda makes my day 😉

    Reply
  9. shelley says:

    Well it worked because I clicked over hoping to learn some shocking secret I didn’t know! Love the visual with the fishnets and the fly legs.

    Reply