I have been writing and working on the book. I’m in this weird place where I’ve gone back in time and remembered shit I haven’t thought about in decades.
You know how when you’ve been with someone for 20 years and you are both sure you’ve heard each other’s stories? Well, I just rattled off story after story that Randy had never heard before. They weren’t stories I’ve kept from him, just ones that had faded away.
This place is not entirely comfortable, but it is interesting. I’m not sorry I’m here.
I don’t know if this is causing my dreams to be weird or not. I mean, I always have a lot of weird dreams, they just seem to be getting more weird.
Well, I guess I had a dream. I just know I woke up thinking about the new prescription drug I was taking and how one of the side affects was long delays when traveling by air.
Then I started thinking about prescription drugs. I guess they’ve been on my mind since they pretty much ruined my fucking Summer.
If they can fake a moon landing, why can’t they create a drug that makes us feel better and also tastes like creamsicles and makes us thin? The drug should also cure insomnia.
We all know how that would go. If they (I am not sure if ‘they’ are scientist or pharmacists or industrious and somewhat troubled teens with a chemistry set) ever did create a miraculous drug that cured all that ails us, the side effects would be killer.
Possible side effects of ubergroovytocin include:
Forgetting what sound the letter ‘B’ makes.
Intolerance to toilet paper.
Laughing until you pee on yourself every time someone says ‘That’s what she said’.
Uncontrollable urge to nibble your boss’s shirt collar.
Compulsive need to snort sauerkraut while watching reruns of The Beverly Hillbillies.
Donald Trump hair.
Sleepstalking.
Shimmying whenever you enter a room.
Becoming sexually aroused by unidentifiable carpet stains.
Honestly, I’d be willing to take on all those side effects to feel good all the time and to sleep. And really, sometimes a well placed ‘that’s what she said’ can be pretty goddamn hilarious.
*****
Also, and this is apropos of nothing, but the other day, Randy and I were driving home from spending a day walking around a huge cemetery. We stopped at the world’s longest yard sale and bought a cheesy squirrel picture. Afterwords, we saw a sign in front of a local restaurant. The sign read ‘Now hiring cook’.
I told Randy that it would be funny to replace their sign with one that said ‘Now hiring Steve’.
Randy: Haha. That would be funny.
Randy: They have vagina ham.
Me: Who has what?
Randy: Over there at the deli. The sign said vagina ham on sale.
Me: Dude, that’s Virginia ham.
Randy: Pretty sure it said vagina.
Me: I don’t think they make ham from the vagina. And if they did, I don’t think it would be a selling point.
*****
Anyway, I had articles a couple different places this week. First, I have an article on Scary Mommy where I have advice for new mothers and at Better After 50 where I talk about progressing from ‘mommy juice’ and then also the Huffington Post where I talking about being invisible.
For the record, I don’t think the moon landing was staged. I only said that in case my friend The Rocket Man is reading.
Happy writing…
Thank you!!
I want ubergroovytocin, too!
Right? They need to get on that shit.
Hope writing your book is going well. This post made me laugh so hard! “Compulsive need to snort sauerkraut while watching reruns of The Beverly Hillbillies. … Donald Trump hair. … Shimmying whenever you enter a room.” LOL!
HAHA! I am glad you liked it. I figured people would read that and just correctly assume that I’m a goof. Which kind of makes you a goof by default. MY PEOPLE!
I love weird dreams. I had one about a year ago in which I regurgitated a snake. It was pretty disgusting actually. But my friend Elaine who was taking a dream interpretation course at the time said it meant I was all about creativity and writing books and shit like that. Hey! Maybe it was meant for you 😛
oh god…you can keep that dream..hahahha
Ubergroovytocin? Sign me up for some of that, though it sounds pretty much like Tramadol. That stuff was way too nice and the dreams were psychedelic, not that my dreams aren’t always weird.
I don’t want Donald Trump hair though, ick!
Honestly, that’s the side effect I’d have the biggest issue with.
They did make that drug, you know. It’s called MDMA. It won’t help you sleep, but you won’t feel like you need to, and all those side effects are pretty much spot on :p
(apart from the sauerkraut)
I am going to have to look that one up. I have never heard of it..
Watching a commercial for a new drug — It’s great! It does this and this and this for you. Be sure to ask your doctor about it today! And then… wait for it… in a monotone voice — Taking XYZ can cause blood clots, stroke, or death. Well I guess your issue would be resolved permanently with that last side effect. 😉
Yep, that really does fix EVERYTHING
Mmmmm….creamsicles…gooodd. had one on monday after many years without. Why’d I wait so long? I fkn love ’em. Why do I deprive myself? Why? Whyyyy?
I have no idea. I love them and I haven’t had one in years. I getting one. Fuck this shit!
We have the same dream writer. Weird. Can I get a 6 month prescription of the groovy stuff?
Kimberly
http://FiftyJewels.com
I would share with you!
I finished my first draft about two weeks ago. I was so giddy I was dancing around the house naked…until the neighbors served me with a restraining order lol! I started the editing process last night, but it is alot easier than I expected it to be (editing). I haven’t told anyone this, so it’s a secret, but we are moving back to KY in the spring! I can’t wait. I miss grass (the kind you walk on…maybe), I miss all of my friends and I just miss home!
HAHAH…Good to know the editing process will be easier than I thought.
AND YAY on coming back to KY! Do you know where(ish)?
What if you already shimmy every time you enter a room? Does ubergroovytocin negate that?
This is an important question to ask. It could be replaced with another side effect like spontaneous decapitation. It would still be worth it, though.
Spontaneous decapitation WOULD cure all that ails you.
I love this post but of COURSE I had to click on Cheesy Squirrel because…well, SQUIRRELS!!!!!
Hahah..yeah..Randy hates the squirrels. That is why I buy him squirrel related gifts.
Just what I needed this morning after 40 minutes of weeping on the back porch worrying about my grown children.
This post and all the ones you linked to.
You are genius.
Oh..I have cried those tears so many times. Thank you, sister. 🙂
I had the opportunity for some retrospective thinking recently, and discovered that I had been previously remembering a bunch of things that happened in the late eighties and early nineties in the wrong order. It was sort of embarrassing, really.
I have no idea how reliable these old memories are. Some of them, for sure…others are hazy(ish)
I just looked at the sidebar where it said:
“Join 666 others in the community”
and I thought, well, I guess that’s somewhat appropriate for a blog called Rubber Shoes in Hell…
Hahaha..awesome..I need to get a screenshot of that.
I am delighted you are writing a book! I can’t wait to read it!
I also think it’s cool that the world’s longest yard sale starts down here & goes all the way to where you are.
Thank you!!
Haha! I’ll take my occasional misery over all those side effects.
And I have only been with Alex for 2 ish years but I did the same thing to him when I was working on a summary of a book about my family. I’d dig stuff up and he’d be like “you’re shitting me?!” That was fun.
Yep…that is how this has been going. Weird that it’s been 20 years and I’m just now telling him some of these things. Like, he knew that the first album I ever bought was Elton John’s greatest hits…but he didn’t know I got the money by robbing a coin op wash machine in the apartment complex we lived in. haha.
Hahaha. No, really: hahahaha.
thanks 😀
Yay! I love it when people laugh
Hmm, how is it that these 3 sentences manage to go together:
“Randy and I have been together 20 years.”
“Randy hates squirrels.”
“I buy Randy lots of squirrels.
So busted! Ha aha hahaa ahaaha
Yeah…That’s how we do it. Besides..you’ve figured out that Randy isn’t real anyway, so I am just buying all this squirrel stuff for myself.
Look at YOU, turning yourself into a writing MACHINE!! You know how that makes ME feel.
Proud of you, sister. And thanks on behalf of us all for sharing your gift.
😉 <3
Jackie
Thank you, gorgeous!
I said I was slowing down and then a shit ton of stuff gets published. I wrote all that BEFORE I said I was slowing down. hahahaha.
I love all the drugs out there where one of the possible side effects is death. They’re basically saying, “Well, this could kill you, but hey, at least you’ll die slightly healthier than you were before!”
Exactly!! hahaa
Must see squirrel picture.
It’s REALLY cheesy. I’ll have Randy take a picture and put it in the header.
I’m so glad to hear you’re working on the book! As for your uber drug, I think I could tolerate every side effect aside from the Trump hair. Ick.
Yeah, that would be rough.
Cannabis. That shit cures everything.
*Side effects include irresistible urges to hug chenille-covered throw pillows and spontaneous smiley faces.
Yeah, I think it will be legal for recreational use in my lifetime.
I often wish I had been a diary keeper in my youth and young adulthood — I forget all sorts of shit (maybe with good reason). However, I can’t tell you how often I’ve read someone’s blog post and it will trigger a memory for me that otherwise may have been forever buried in that mess I call my mind. I now keep a list on my phone where I can jot down memories as they come to me — otherwise they would be gone again about two minutes later. I’m excited that you are writing and soon I will know every single detail about you (I’ll just add it to my “Michelle Shrine” I have in my closet).