A sunny afternoon at the zoo sounds like a great idea. What better way to spend a day bonding with your spawn than to commune with nature? Your children learn about animals and spend the day laughing and skipping. At the day’s end, they sleep like the little cherubs they are. You’re secure in the knowledge that you’ve created memories that comfort them throughout their lives.
Sounds like a great time, right?
Here are eight reasons why you should skip the zoo trip:
- Your toddler will either be disinterested or terrified of the animals. One minute, you have a well adjusted 3 year old. Then, a walrus bursts out of the water and barks loud enough to pierce your eardrums. In that instance, your well adjusted 3 year old starts his journey into anxiety over being eaten by a walrus. This also explains his life-long hatred of The Beatles.
- Good judgement remains in the zoo parking lot. You buy your child an ice cream cone that is a shade of blue only found in a Doctor Seuss book. Before the day ends, that blue ice cream will be vomited down your leg in a foamy cascade. You have to spend the rest of the day with your toes stuck to your sandals and the hotter it gets, the worse your foot smells. You’ll return to the elephant house because the air smells more fresh in there.
- Speaking of vomit. You will see vomit at the zoo. It might be animal vomit or kid vomit, but either way, vomit will be seen. You might even see the trifecta of vomit. For instance, a kid sees a dingo vomit, which in turn triggers kid vomit which makes their parent boot. The only thing worse than seeing this vomit extravaganza? You’re the vomiting family and a stranger’s video of you ends up going viral on YouTube.
- Zoo trips with preteens can be even more stressful than toddlers. You decide that a day spent together will close the distance that has been growing between you and your hormonal child. Then, as you walk through the zoo, your precious spawn lectures you on the horrors of animals being kept in captivity. No matter what you say to generate a little excitement, your words will be met with a contemptuous stare, like you suggested eating clubbed baby seal for lunch.
- Lunch at the jungle themed cantina blows. Overpriced zoo food tastes like ass flavored school food. No matter where you sit, every surface feels sticky. Sweat bee colonies become your constant companion. Your attempt at disposing of your ass flavored feast riles up gangs of bees who live near the garbage can. Chances are, your kid will get stung and you will be subjected to reproachful looks for the rest of the day. Because you know, mom’s always at fault when the bee stings.
- Naughty Monkeys. Monkeys are randy. They don’t care if there is an audience, in fact, they might like the audience. You will spend weeks answering questions and hearing stories about the monkeys ‘wrestling’.
- You can count on your kid being emotionally scarred after a lengthy giraffe tonguing. During a tonguing, your kid won’t know how to react. That is, until the giraffe snatches your kid’s bag of peanuts.
- If you go to the zoo, for all that is holy, avoid the petting zoo. You know that iPhone that you told your ex to not buy for your 9 year old? Well, chances are while your 9 year old is texting with a friend, a goat will snatch the phone out of his hands and eat it. Then, where will you be? In a petting zoo, surrounded by goats and a screaming child. Not to mention, the inevitable ex argument that happens later when he insists you replace the phone.
Who knows, maybe your trip to the zoo will be a relaxing, educational and fun filled day. Or maybe, you’ll go home with that headache you get after spending hours talking through gritted teeth.
Oh no! I am afraid this is true … and thanks for the laugh! As it turns out, I WAS at a zoo Saturday – I did a 5K THROUGH A ZOO! And then my friend and I went back to actually see the animals. It is kind of comical that we missed all the giraffes and lions, etc. She has a fear of birds so I avoided the “Safari Aviary” which I guess is the entry to all the giraffes/etc. OOPS. 🙂
My younger son is NOT a fan of the birds, either.
Our zoo does night time performances by great musicians. THAT”S when I love the zoo… Kidless and with alcohol… toes-a-tapping as the lions rock out some serious harmonies…
Now THAT sounds nice. 🙂
This had me flashing back to several less than satisfactory zoo outings. The idea seems much better than the reality most of the time. Then we had the family trip from hell to Gettysburg, Pennsylvania. And I thought a six year old would be interested in the civil war because….. Why?
Exactly!!! My son was actually traumatized by the walrus..he was terrified of it for years. He still likes the Beatles, though.
Sounds pretty similar to a recent water park trip I took with my kids, sans the animals. On second thought…
Haha!
NOW, I know why I’ve always hated the f$#@ing zoo!
Hahahha…I have experienced the puke thing more than once.
Zoos are better than they used to be, but for the most part, they’re sad, confining spaces. I just can’t visit them anymore. Brenda
Yeah, the last time I went, I just felt sorry for the animals.
This is why aquariums are so much better. They’re smaller–you’ll never make a day trip out of one–but quieter and more peaceful. And not nearly as sad. And you don’t get a lot of uncomfortable questions even if the aquatic animals are going at it. The last time I went to the Tampa Bay Aquarium it was horseshoe crab mating season. Know what it looks like when a bunch of horseshoe crabs are fucking? It’s not that different from what horseshoe crabs look like any other time of year. The only down side is when you go get a fish sandwich and wonder if you’re eating an unpopular exhibit.
HAHHAHA…yeah..the fryer..that’s where the ugly fish go.
I do enjoy our aquarium more…mostly because it’s air conditioned. I felt sorry for the big tortoise though. He was already over a hundred years old. I’m sure he would rather be on a beach or something.
Why not take the pre-teens to the randy monkeys and use it as a fun, bonding, educational moment? They will love you for it when you comment on sex and monkeys, as long as you wink sideways and squeeze their hands when saying things such as “randy.” Tell Randy I said so.
HAHHAHA…Oh, he will see this. He always reads my comments.
Eww… WTF are sweat bees? :s
THose itty bitty bees that hang around garbage cans
I feel the same way about the zoo as I do the beach with kids: NO.
I’m taking three 17 year old boys to the beach for 5 days in a few months. We will see how that goes.
No! This our family trip in October….hopefully we can avoid all the sweaty hot things, but No! I really want a good zoo trip! 🙂
I am sure you will have a great time. I hope there are no vomit incidents.
I hate the Zoo. $9 to stare at a bored bear. I could skip shaving for a week and look in a mirror.
HAHHAHA…you could charge admission!
Never did like the zoo, just a bunch of nasty smelly animals (as well as smelly people grumpy people). I would rather sit at home and watch the discovery channel, more educational, too.
grumpy people are the worst.
thanks for reminding me to stay away.
Vomit *shudder*
Yeah..I actually saw the puking dingoes.
The first time we took our oldest kid to the zoo was about 43 years ago or so. No matter which animals we were trying to interest him in, he found the pigeons walking around scarfing down garbage to be of much higher interest.
In later years, on a zoo trip with all our kids, a pair of giant tortoises decided to make whoopie. Verrrrry loudly. The sound reverberated all over the zoo. No kidding. When our daughter saw them, she wanted to know what they were doing, and our helpful sons said they were … playing football. They still laugh about it to this day.
Hahahha..go out for a pass!
When the remodeling of the Sequoia Park Zoo in Eureka, Ca., (where I grew up) took longer than expected, the director (a guy named Stockman) found he needed somewhere to house the bears for the extra three months. After careful consideration, it was decided that it would be less expensive to kill the three bears and just replace them when the new enclosure was ready. The reason I know this all these years later is that someone printed up bumper stickers that read:”Stockman 3, Bears 0″ that I had to explain the meaning of to visitors from out of town for years.
I have never liked zoos. I had the outrageous good fortune to have a childhood in which I got to visit many animals where they actually lived, so seeing them in captivity always seemed sort of wrong to me. As in why is it so important that I see a real, live lion in a cage, when I can see entire families of them on TV, and no cage needs to be involved. Having said all of that, they tell me that the Meerkats at the Oakland zoo are very cute, and seem happy as hell…
That is just horrifying. We humans can be so vile. It was cheaper to kill them. Holy fucking hell.
Yes! times eight. All this is true, I swear. Is there a North American Zoo Manager handbook? (And if there is, can someone please rewrite it?) I recall taking the kids plus a friend to a sketchy little zoo in northern Indiana and all of us running out of a nasty depressing concrete “house” where the big cats were caged. The old lion had gas. Like you wouldn’t believe.
See? That just contributes to the vomit issue.
Ha ha ha, I must read this again when my brain isn’t spaced on cough medicine.
Giraffe tonguing…ewww
I hope you feel better soon, sister…
And zoos are always huge – so if you end up going with a preschooler who shuns the stroller, you always end up carrying them on your shoulders by the end of the day. And since zoos are hot, all that extra exertion leads to waterfalls of sweat down your back, under your boobs, and in your crotch – and your hair is also a mess, since the preschooler has been using it as a bridle all afternoon. Our zoo has the marvelous idea of letting the peacocks roam free among the guests. Have you ever seen a pissed off peacock? Those motherfuckers are scary – and they WILL attack. Have you ever seen a middle-aged woman running in terror from a pissed off peacock? That is also scary.
Hahahah…I love the peacocks. I yelled at some random kids once because they were chasing some baby peacocks in the food court.