If you spend as much time as I do watching shows about zombies, ghosts, and aliens, then you understand how thinking about dead people becomes a part of your normal train of thought.
I use the word “normal” in the loosest sense of the word.
What if dead people got on board with social media around the same time us live folks did? Did they have a version of MySpace that fizzled out?
I really don’t know anything about MySpace. I didn’t have an account. It took forever for me to look into Twitter and Facebook. I still don’t know what the fuck Instragram is. I think it’s where people post food pictures. And fuck Google+ and its stupid circles. I’m not learning that one. Or Ello. My Pinterest account is the equivalent of the junk drawer in my kitchen. I just keep pinning the same recipes over and over. And pictures of Norman Reedus. Okay, it’s nothing like the junk drawer in my kitchen. Although, I feel like I should check and make sure Norman Reedus isn’t in there.
It could happen! Shut up.
Anyway, here is how I imagine social media for the dead:
William H Bonney: Hey, Socrates. You gotta get on Face Boo, man. There’s this page about stupid shit breathers do.
Socrates: If I don’t see what is on Face Boo, does it really exist?
William H Bonney: You get on my last nerve, Socrates.
Socrates: Face Boo can teach you nothing. Face Boo can only make you think.
William H Bonney: You’re fucking up heaven, Socrates.
Joan Of Ark: Hey, have you seen Abe Lincoln around?
John Wilkes Booth: Lol. I talked him into signing up for ghoulgle+ and now he’s stuck in one of Dante’s circles of hell. I love fucking with that dude.
George Washington: Meh, can’t say I’m sorry. He’s an attention whore.
Anne Frank on Alternatwitter:
OMG OMG everyone has read my diary. Everyone. #thisblows
Methuselah: In my day, we sat on clouds and listened to harp music and we liked it. What’s this “Sulfurgram” nonsense, anyway? It’s nothing but pictures of barbeque.
Annette Funicello: Don’t be such a square.
Methuselah: Take those stupid ears off. Seriously, Annette. You look ridiculous.
Annette Funicello: It’s called a brand, Methuselah. I have over 12 billion followers on my poltergripes channel.
Chris Farley: You guys, H’ello is going to take off. I’ll send you an invite. I got to talk to Robert Johnson on there. You can totally talk to people who sold their souls at the crossroads on H’ello.
Shakespeare: Hell is empty and all the demons are here.
Chris Farley: You don’t even have a rapturechat account, Shakespeare. I was talking to Eli Whitney and Robert E Lee.
Shakespeare: Get thee to a nunnery!
Chris Farley: Yeah? You get thee to a nunnery, Shakespeare. The nunnery down by the river.
Shakespeare: That one is getting old, Chris.
Andrew Carnegie: Haha. William Randolph Hearst listed “sledding” as one of his skills on LinkedInferno.
Mae West: I never use LinkedInferno. It’s boring.
Andrew Carnegie: Maybe if you spent less time posting cleavage shots on Face Boo.
Mr. Ed: Well, Catherine…
Catherine The Great: Just no. I can’t even.
Mr. Ed: I just want to be friends.
Catherine The Great: I don’t care what you read on Redrumit. That story is bullshit.
Mr. Ed: Do you do butt stuff?
Catherine The Great: *Block*