Soul Wrenching Shin Whack

So, I had this thing happen. Super unpleasant. I can still feel it.

You guys, we’ve been locked in so long now. It’s just stupid. I don’t mean that staying safe is stupid. Not at all. It’s just so fucking stupid to be in your own stupid fucking bedroom for a stupid number of months. I mean, We’re fine. Seriously. Fine, We’re fine.

Anyway, we’ve made some new “booze” rules and those rules include “During the week, we can have one or two, but not every night” rule.

Tonight, we opted for the “one or two” part and we decided on two.

So, we had three, and then I took the booze to stash in the office.

But the light was off and I didn’t notice the guitar amplifier in the middle of the floor. Even though it has been there for over a year. Maybe two.

My shin hit that amplifier so hard that the one remaining mushy egg in my left ovary winced.guitar amplifier

I felt it behind my knee, down to my ankle and up my femur. At least I think it’s my femur. I didn’t fucking go to medical school.

I made up a few curse words. Two of which guarantee me a suite in a sub-basement of hell.

Then, I decided to lay down and watch TV for a bit. Because my shin hurt.

Randy graciously listened to me whine about my shin multiple times and I ran my hand over my shin.

I had a goose egg.

Also, I was impressed with how soft the hair on my legs is. I had a moment where I considered going through the “de-yeti” process. But seriously, what’s the point? No one in my house considers the hair on my legs.

Well, I guess I did, but only for a minute.

I’m a klutz. I have always been a klutz.

I have burned myself more than the average person. I’ve given myself concussions in ridiculous ways. Once, I burned my own armpit because I spilled coffee in it. Trust me, it’s possible. I got melted cheese stuck in my eyelashes once.

My point is, pain is part of who I am. My fellow klutz’s understand this.

So when I say I fucking hurt my fucking shin. Goddamn, it hurt.

And I thought about it. Why was this pain so familiar? Why did it make me feel a little achy about wanting something from my past, like “ago” past?

I remembered when my shins felt this way all the time. All the way back in the seventies, when roller skating was my thing. I was 12.

My fucking shins ached all the time. I didn’t suck at rollers skating, but I’ve already confessed to being klutz.

I had some shining moments, but if you put wheels on my feet? My shins are going to suffer.

It’s been well over an hour now. I still feel the goose egg on my shin.

If I had a choice, sure, I’d rather not be feeling this, but since it did happen? Not unhappy about some of the memories it dredged up.

Like I said, we’ve been locked in for a long time now. A year.

But back in 1976? I had a killer dance to Jungle Boogie that I did on skates.

And I could mostly do it without wiping out. I’d rather remember this and smile, at least for a minute, while my shin is still throbbing instead of crying over what we’ve lost. We all deserve a moment or two, right?

It’s going to be a long goddamn time before anything becomes our new normal. But I think we might at least be heading in the right direction.

I hope you all are staying safe.




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  • Please, please move the Amp! Those things are heavy, I know, I feel your pain. To be honest, we’re having 1-2 cocktails every night. We’re not going anywhere anytime soon, besides work, the store, the liquor store and home. Not necessarily in that order. You all stay safe and warm.

  • Ouch. I can’t imagine how painful that must be. And I’m guessing you’re snowed in too. The isolation hasn’t been so bad as long as I could go to the store or get the occasional takeout but the snow has made getting out impossible and supplies are dwindling. Although this too will pass.
    And it sounds like you really rocked on rollerskates.

  • I am so sorry, and I know your pain. I wiped out quite dramatically, and somehow fell in slow motion gracefully between two other people standing close together while attempting to enter the water caves in Riviera Maya, Mexico. I fell into the steps and I still have the dent in my shin today years after it happened. I think it’s permanent. Luckily the water was cold, and I think that aided in keeping the swelling down. I soldiered through it and went in the caves anyway. In the cold water the pain subsided fairly quickly, even though it had initially brought tears. I think the wound took about a month to heal, and it ached for probably a week or so. I too, am a klutz. Hang in there. I can’t tell you how many times a day I run into something, or inadvertently smack something. Yes, we all deserve a moment or two. Enjoy those memories. 🙂

  • In 1979 and 1980, just before I got handed down the family’s Torino for my birthday, I rollerskated to get around Eureka. It took about twenty minutes to get to work, and wasn’t very much fun when it rained.
    My brother and I used to stay awake after my parents went to bed, go out on the deck and smoke a joint, then come back in and watch TV for an hour and try not to rat ourselves off by giggling too loud.
    One night my brother, who was about 6’5″ and weighed about 235, went to lock the door after we turned the lights out and whacked his foot on the coffee table by the door. In a growling sort of a whisper he said “That’s a fucked up place to put a coffee table”
    I just stood there shaking with tears running down my face because if I lost it and laughed out loud, we were busted, and that seemed terribly important back then.
    All of my amplifiers are in a storage in Rohnert Park, last I knew of them. Accumulating them was a major project and took years of effort, but the last three times I moved them I thought to myself: “What was it again that was so crucial about owning an amp the size of a refrigerator?”
    I have my Les Paul here, and a Zoom effects box with a headphone jack in it, so I really don’t miss them that much.
    We’re still hanging in there. I really feel for Texas right now, after our recent nine days of power outages and four feet of snow.
    The weather is mild today, though, and that means the women from Luna’s Tamales should be back in the shopping center parking lot when we go to town for groceries, and if so, it will be a very good day indeed.

  • I thought you should know that according to Yahoo news, Hasbro has made Mr. Potato Head gender neutral by dropping the “Mr.” in his name.

By Michelle


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