Spank It Like It’s Ham Salad

That’s what I’m going to do to 2022.

Please note, I said “to” 2022, not “in” 2022. If I had said that I was going to spank it like it’s ham salad IN 2022, then this would be a very different blog post that I would never write. 

I know it makes no sense, but how the fuck long has it been since anything made sense?

Monday, Randy and I will celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary. It’s also the day I will finally get my test back to see if I’m positive for COVID.

I’ve been sick since just after Christmas. I was never afraid, but I did feel like I got hit by a truck.

As of this moment, I don’t know if it was flu or COVID. Realistically, it’s probably omicron. I am super glad I never had any breathing issues. The gastric stuff and the headaches were brutal, though. I had chills for days, but barely any fever. All in all, it sucked but I never feared for my life.

The taste thing though.

What the fucking fuck?

I didn’t lose my taste. My taste just changed.

For days, everything tasted like I had just puked up bile. Or like garbage. Sometimes both!

Toothpaste made it way worse. The inside of my mouth tastes like battery acid, then I brush my teeth and it tastes like concentrated battery acid and it burned. So, that was fun.

I had chicken soup that tasted like it had been boiled in my stomach and a bagel with strawberry cream cheese that tasted of sewage.

I lost a few pounds. So, you know, silver lining and all.

I talked with my mountain friend, Lizzie on New Year’s eve. She told me that I needed to dance on New Year’s day. Even if I was sick, I had to take a moment to dance because she said what I do on New Year’s day, is what I will do all year and she sees me dancing.

If that’s true? Then, I’m eating weird stuff for breakfast in 2022.

Also, I tried you guys. I thought I was doing everything right. I thought I would outrun COVID.

But we fucked up.

We had a gathering at Christmas. Everyone was vaxxed. We thought it would be okay.

Turns out, not so much.

On Christmas eve, my stomach hurt pretty bad. I had no other symptoms and it’s not out of the ordinary for me to have stomach issues.

But still, we didn’t want to take any chances. We had a rapid test available, so I took it. Negative. Probably something I ate.

My parents have symptoms now, but thank the stars and baby Jesus, their symptoms are super mild.

My parents getting sick has been my biggest fear since all this started and now it’s likely that I’m the one that passed this to them. Merry fucking Christmas.

As it turns out, the at home tests aren’t super reliable when it comes to omicron.

I guess this could be the flu. Either way, I learned my lesson.

Now is not the time to let our guards down.

Please continue wearing a mask. Please, for all that is holy, get your shot and your booster. The next few months are going to be goddamn grim.

And Betty White? Really?

I will not blame 2021 for taking her. I refuse. Betty White is a brilliant light. I will honor her by finding joy, not by adding to bitterness. Perhaps she is leading us out of 2021 into what comes next.

I have no doubt it will be difficult.


But I’m still spanking 2022 like it’s ham salad.

Because if we’ve learned anything, we’ve learned, you just have to take charge in these trying times. Also, we have so much left over ham from New Year’s. So much.

Edited to add: I want to offer up a sincere apology to my fellow humans and the universe for potentially spreading this virus. I truly thought we were okay, but looking back, I should have known if I had any symptoms then we should have stayed home. This virus is no joke. I had a few days where I was disoriented all day long. It was like being super high or drunk, pick your poison, but with zero euphoria. That is a giant ball of painful suck, my friends. I am so grateful for the vaccine and the booster. I can’t imagine how bad this could have been. I understand that the bitter toothpaste can’t be put back in the tube and that it’s likely that most of us will get infected, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t do everything we can to stop the spread. I should have done better. I will do better going forward. 

Edited again: I got my results. No COVID. So, this was the flu. I feel like I got a second chance to improve my habits. 


14 Thoughts.

  1. Bless you. And Randy, and your whole fam damily : ) Glad you’re neg for Covid, but sorry about the days of feeling like shite.

    Carry on, cuz I know you will.


  2. Happy Anniversary! Now you’ve got me worried. Did you also get a Flu shot? If so, I’m wondering about the effectiveness if you got sick anyway. I believe a read that the Flu shot would not be as effective on today’s Flu do to – again – variants. Can’t catch a break no matter how much we try.

    I’m sorry for your parents – I hope the children don’t get it too. I’ve got friends down with “something” since they are anti-vaxxers and are stating that it’s the Flu (they don’t take the flu or any other shots either). And my in-laws are anti-vaxxers as well and my nephew-in-law just got out of the hospital (still testing positive after 5 days) and is now isolating with my niece who didn’t get it badly. My SIL is taking care of them while they’re ill and she’s in her 70’s – so there’s concern right there as well.

    Get better quickly and I hope Randy doesn’t catch it. Seems weird after all that to say Happy New Year, but there it is!

    • I did get a flu shot. My understanding is that it may not prevent it, but could make it less severe. I never got a really high fever, but it was still pretty rough for about 4 days. Happy new year to you as well! I hope your family members all recover. xoxo

  3. Sorry for your illness but yay for it not being covid. That’s one thing a massive problem like covid will do: make everything about covid, when real life already had a long ass list of problems and maladies that had to be dealt with. We got the J&J shot in May, and the Moderna booster in November, but the last time I went to town (a few weeks ago) to pick up a grocery order, I was paranoid in the damn store because of all the unmasked people walking around like nothing was wrong. Briana went to the store last night (I couldn’t go because of all the snow between here and the car) and she said that pretty much everyone there was masked, and she was wearing her cloth mask over the top of a KN95.
    I keep thinking of Pink Floyd: “What do you get for pretending the danger’s not real?”
    The trip to town was a wild success, though. Zsuzs managed to get the Subaru dug out of the snow bank and now we have ten days worth of groceries, toilet paper, and hydrogen peroxide. Zsuzs was apologetic about taking so long to get the car dug out, but I told her she was a goddamn hero…

  4. Glad you’re okay, Michelle, and your test came back negative. I think the only thing worse than getting covid would be thinking you may have given it to someone else. Oh, you’re description of how food tastes off is spot on! I’m experiencing it due to an unrelated issue but damn, it’s awful! I’ve without shame spit food out in front of the people who kindly prepared it. Okay, maybe a little shame and more than a few apologies.

    • Oh god, I am so sorry you know what I’m talking about. It’s terrible.

      I went back to work today and wasn’t feeling as good as I thought I was. I ended up coming home early. I ate takeout Chinese food for lunch and my stomach is super not happy with me.

  5. I’ve had similar symptoms you speak of, no Tests available around here, not even in the Hospitals and ER so they told me I had Pneumonia, but it’s not conclusive if Regular Pneumonia or the COVID Pneumonia. We are all Vaxxed and half of us under this roof are Boosted and the rest trying to get Boosted, which is proving to be as difficult now as getting a Test of any kind to know your Status. I just found your Blog via another and you had me LMAO with your Gallow’s Humor, so now you’re on my Sidebar. I do think 2022 will be grim and it will be Dumb Luck if we don’t get The Rona eventually, if we already had it, or have it, who knows? Glad yours didn’t seem to be The Rona so I’m hopeful mine is just a Flu too, I had the Flu and Shingles vaxs too, I’ve had more Jabs this year than ever so as not to layer on the deadly diseases vying to take me out…

    • First, I am SO GLAD you are here! Welcome!

      These are strange, strange times. I suppose we’ll all end up getting COVID one way or another, but I am still trying my hardest to NOT get it. Good luck to you and your family staying safe and healthy!

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