That’s what I’m going to do to 2022.
Please note, I said “to” 2022, not “in” 2022. If I had said that I was going to spank it like it’s ham salad IN 2022, then this would be a very different blog post that I would never write.
I know it makes no sense, but how the fuck long has it been since anything made sense?
Monday, Randy and I will celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary. It’s also the day I will finally get my test back to see if I’m positive for COVID.
I’ve been sick since just after Christmas. I was never afraid, but I did feel like I got hit by a truck.
As of this moment, I don’t know if it was flu or COVID. Realistically, it’s probably omicron. I am super glad I never had any breathing issues. The gastric stuff and the headaches were brutal, though. I had chills for days, but barely any fever. All in all, it sucked but I never feared for my life.
The taste thing though.
What the fucking fuck?
I didn’t lose my taste. My taste just changed.
For days, everything tasted like I had just puked up bile. Or like garbage. Sometimes both!
Toothpaste made it way worse. The inside of my mouth tastes like battery acid, then I brush my teeth and it tastes like concentrated battery acid and it burned. So, that was fun.
I had chicken soup that tasted like it had been boiled in my stomach and a bagel with strawberry cream cheese that tasted of sewage.
I lost a few pounds. So, you know, silver lining and all.
I talked with my mountain friend, Lizzie on New Year’s eve. She told me that I needed to dance on New Year’s day. Even if I was sick, I had to take a moment to dance because she said what I do on New Year’s day, is what I will do all year and she sees me dancing.
If that’s true? Then, I’m eating weird stuff for breakfast in 2022.
Also, I tried you guys. I thought I was doing everything right. I thought I would outrun COVID.
But we fucked up.
We had a gathering at Christmas. Everyone was vaxxed. We thought it would be okay.
Turns out, not so much.
On Christmas eve, my stomach hurt pretty bad. I had no other symptoms and it’s not out of the ordinary for me to have stomach issues.
But still, we didn’t want to take any chances. We had a rapid test available, so I took it. Negative. Probably something I ate.
My parents have symptoms now, but thank the stars and baby Jesus, their symptoms are super mild.
My parents getting sick has been my biggest fear since all this started and now it’s likely that I’m the one that passed this to them. Merry fucking Christmas.
As it turns out, the at home tests aren’t super reliable when it comes to omicron.
I guess this could be the flu. Either way, I learned my lesson.
Now is not the time to let our guards down.
Please continue wearing a mask. Please, for all that is holy, get your shot and your booster. The next few months are going to be goddamn grim.
And Betty White? Really?
I will not blame 2021 for taking her. I refuse. Betty White is a brilliant light. I will honor her by finding joy, not by adding to bitterness. Perhaps she is leading us out of 2021 into what comes next.
I have no doubt it will be difficult.
But I’m still spanking 2022 like it’s ham salad.
Because if we’ve learned anything, we’ve learned, you just have to take charge in these trying times. Also, we have so much left over ham from New Year’s. So much.
Edited to add: I want to offer up a sincere apology to my fellow humans and the universe for potentially spreading this virus. I truly thought we were okay, but looking back, I should have known if I had any symptoms then we should have stayed home. This virus is no joke. I had a few days where I was disoriented all day long. It was like being super high or drunk, pick your poison, but with zero euphoria. That is a giant ball of painful suck, my friends. I am so grateful for the vaccine and the booster. I can’t imagine how bad this could have been. I understand that the bitter toothpaste can’t be put back in the tube and that it’s likely that most of us will get infected, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t do everything we can to stop the spread. I should have done better. I will do better going forward.
Edited again: I got my results. No COVID. So, this was the flu. I feel like I got a second chance to improve my habits.