Stand Up At Erma

Everything feels off the rails right now.

My country is pulling children from the arms of their parents and incarcerating them.

My country pulled a nursing infant from their mother’s breast and handcuffed the woman because she resisted. What goddamn mother wouldn’t resist? What we are doing is monstrous and shocking.

Net Neutrality appears to be dead.

The president and his traitor tots are being sued by the New York attorney general because they’re criminals.

I became emotionally attached to a raccoon scaling a sky scraper. I couldn’t bear the thought of her falling to her death. I watched the video of her making it to the roof about a million times.

I watched the trailer for Tim Burton’s remake of Dumbo and cried actual tears. I don’t know why I watched the stupid trailer. Dumbo is one of a few movies that will make me cry every goddamn time. It’s the mad elephant stand up at ermascene. Also, the trailer was amazing and I’ll probably see it when it comes out next year.

It looks very much like we will buy the house with the hideous kitchen. I had a slight meltdown on Friday because our closing date got pushed. It was already tight and now it is impossible to pull off a move without moving in stages. We close on our new house the same day we have to be out of this house.

We’ll have to board the kitties for a few days and I am frantic over that. Alfie the kitty will not do well. I’m still not sure what we’re going to do with our stuff. It seems the best solution will be to rent a pod and load our stuff up. They will store the pod and deliver it when we’re ready.

I really, really wanted a day to have a cleaning crew come into the new house before we moved our stuff in. I mean, it’s not horrible, but the house isn’t really clean. I don’t want to clean around stuff. I want to start out clean. Which means an extra day in a hotel.

And, all of this may be a moot point, because the appraisal hasn’t happened yet. Also, the closing date isn’t set in stone. I hate this. I’m glad to be at the end, but not looking forward to these transitional days.

I did have one cool moment last week.

My stand up at the Erma Bombeck conference was posted on YouTube.

I can’t help but notice where I could have improved, but overall, I am pretty happy with my second attempt at stand up.

Once the bullshit house stuff is over with, I am going to work out five minutes and try an open mic night.

I went back and forth on this, but after watching this video, I remembered how much fun I had. Considering how bleak life is right now, I need some fun moments.

I mean, I might as well try. It won’t kill me. Probably.

Here’s to hoping we have some moments of hope and light next week.

#RESIST

 

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Add your comments below. Profanity is encouraged, but not required. ;)
  1. Lisa K says:

    You are right!!!
    You need a sweet memory escape for a … minute? Well… the video is almost four minutes, so…
    Good Grief, Gertie…. I think you’re hanging in there like a champ!!
    I think that an extra night in a hotel so you can have a cleaning crew will be the one thing you ‘deserve’ and that one little deserved thing seems to me to be very high on the list of things ‘deserved.’
    Plus, it will make it more ‘fair’ biding your time in your ‘hideous’ kitchen while you save up enough money to make it a ‘delightful’ kitchen <3

    Reply
  2. Lisa K says:

    I gotta leave the other stuff alone because thinking about it makes my body make sobbing sounds 🙁

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  3. There are some Erma Bombeck books on my bookshelf and they’ve been reminding me that your standup would eventually be posted here and hell yeah it was so worth the wait.
    In a world full of so much that’s wrong right now I’m so glad you found one small ember of happiness and passed it on. Maybe that’s what we need to do: #resist, yes, but also pass on the good.

    Reply
    • Michelle says:

      I think we have to pass the good stuff on as well. There is nothing more than the yam head wants that to allow him to steal all of our joy. I say fuck that.

      Reply
  4. Paula says:

    Hell yea it was so worth the wait. I think there is an echo in here. Do it again and again! That was good shit!

    Reply
  5. Doug in Oakland says:

    That was excellent, Michelle.
    I hope your schedule comes together. It might help to make yourself think how short a year is, and that a year from now you will be looking back on this as “the last time we moved.”
    I have been holding my sanity, such as it is, together with music.
    This week I saw the video of Sara Bareilles and Josh Groban opening the show at the Tony awards, and it just knocked me out.
    “In a world that is scary and hard to endure, if you make art at all you’re a part of the cure.”
    Then I read her Wikipedia page and found out that she’s my homegirl.
    Not only is she from Eureka, but that vaguely familiar feeling I got from her last name is because her folks were on my paper route when I was a little kid.
    Anyway, here’s the video, I never paid much attention to musical theater, but god damn, the singing is good:
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R_M–DnSF84

    Reply
  6. KK says:

    Sister across the pond, you rock! Next stop Live at the Apollo 🙂 Hope the house move goes well, I’m sure it will.

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  7. Barbara says:

    Michelle, I used to rep comedians in Western PA. It was fun and sometimes insane but, they all start out in short bits and when they find their confidence the sky’s the limit. The more you do it the better you’ll get. I love your delivery. You have found your niche! Keep on it!
    b

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  8. Michelle, You were awesome! You definitely nailed it and I want to hear more about “Jesus.”

    Reply
    • Michelle says:

      Haha, that is actually a true story. Well, not about Jesus, but that conversation really happened with a co-worker. I don’t know why I said it, but it made him laugh, so I held on to it.

      Reply
  9. Justin Wayne says:

    Loved the comedy, Michelle! It’s always lovely to check back in with y’all on the blog. Tell Jesus and your husband I say, “hello”. 😉

    Reply
  10. Maria P says:

    Yayyyyy! That was terrific!
    Ready to watch you whenever you are ready!
    And yes, a day in a hotel with a cleaning crew at your new digs sounds great! Congratulations all around!
    And open mic night…great idea!

    Reply
  11. Kate says:

    You just get better and better! Congratulations, Michelle!

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  12. NAILED IT!

    Kudos to you 🙂

    Reply
  13. MJ says:

    Well done, Michelle!!! I am always in awe of people with the confidence to put themselves out there. Sending you applause from Canada. Can you hear it? 🙂

    And yeah, wtf is happening in your country???? Holy smokes. The longer I live, the more ashamed I am of humans.

    Reply
  14. Marcia says:

    You were great! I do want to hear/see more stand up from you!

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  15. Marcia says:

    Didn’t get my first post just right. It was supposed to say I SO want to hear more from you. 4 minutes was not enough!

    Go Michelle!

    Reply
  16. Marisette says:

    I just used PODS and I can’t recommend them enough. The only thing is, filling them and emptying them is way more work than you think. Get a crew to help both times. And leave the stuff in the POD until you have the house cleaned and prepped the way you want it. Better to live without some stuff for a while than have it disorganized all around you.
    And, I’m one of the “tens of people” who lurk on your site regularly to see what’s up with you. You did great on the standup! Just as funny as your blog, which regularly makes me laugh out loud. Can’t wait to hear more!

    Reply
  17. BarbaraM says:

    You’re completely right! It WAS SO worth the wait! Good job!!!!

    Reply
  18. Angela says:

    I remember when reading the news didn’t fill me with despair. It’s all so disheartening and enraging. I’m glad you were able to experience something good in the middle of this.

    Reply
  19. Curvyroads says:

    Loved your standup and hope the move/sale/purchase has moved along…this too shall pass!

    Traitor tots! Only humor will allow us to survive this plague…

    #resist

    Reply