Don’t Forget To Get Offended: The Holiday Edition

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For Krampus’s sake. It’s a cup.

I guess there are a few people upset and claiming that Starbucks® is taking a shit on Christmas. Apparently, not having a snowflake on a Starbucks red holiday cup ruins Christmas.

Then, on the other side from the people who want to boycott over Starbuck’s red holiday cups, are the people who are losing their shit over the people who are upset about the red cups.

Every fucking person, on the entire planet, is having their Christmas RUINED by Starbucks. Way to go Starbucks. Fucking assholes. Christmas ruiners. It’s enough to put me off my pumpkin spice.

This won’t stop at Starbucks. There will be the people, who will spend the entire holiday season absolutely livid, because the goddamn atheists are trying to steal Christmas from them by forcing everyone to say “Happy Holidays”. The atheists act like it doesn’t even matter that Jesus died for their sins.

We all know that, whenever someone says “Happy Holidays”, an angel gets diarrhea.

They are much like the holiday shouters who will be very butthurt as they remind people, over and over, that everyone isn’t a Christian. They feel saying “Merry Christmas” makes you a knuckle dragging, Donald Trump loving, confederate flag waving, toothless moron, and that’s why the world sucks.

I plan to be over there. You know, with the people who would rather enjoy the holiday season. I will do what I do every year and watch Love, Actually, all by myself, because Randy won’t watch it with me. It’s like he’s trying to ruin Christmas.

I prefer to admire the lights, eat the cookies, and relax during the time off work. I don’t want to be one of the Christmas/anti-Christmas or Holiday season/Anti-holiday season gollums fretting over whatever it is they have their panties knotted up over.

I will probably use a variety of well wishes, including, but not limited to:

“Merry Christmas”

“Happy Holidays”

“Happy Hanukkah”

“Goddammit, Randy, did you save me a brownie?”

How about we try this. Just step off. Stop. Stop waiting to get offended.

If someone gives you their personal wish that you have a pleasant experience this winter, then just do this: Smile. Return nice wishes of your own. Mean it. If they reject your offer, then slough it off, move on, and have a goddamn awesome winter solstice anyway.

By the way, I was kidding about the pumpkin spice. Pumpkin spice is gross. Much like eggnog, or as I like to call it, “nutmeg flavored phlegm”.

Don’t forget people, Starbuck’s doesn’t ruin Christmas, Krampus ruins Christmas.

 

 

 

 

 

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91 comments

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  • Yep, do you know what I thought when I got my first red cup from Starbucks, (as it happens to be the coffee served at college)?
    Not a damn thing, I kind of noticed that the cup was red but I was more interested in its contents than whether it was or wasn’t a Christmas thing.

    As someone who finds Christmas difficult, purely because of my circumstances, I will continue to pour my black humour all over the season and I may even serve up another Vampirettes destruction of an old favourite, if I can find the time between assignments that is. However, my discomfort and Bah humbugness doesn’t mean that I would wish anyone else not to enjoy the season and one day I hope I will have reason to enjoy it too.

    For those who get their panties in a twist about what it’s called and whatever greetings people use for it I say this, it was an eating and drinking festival co-opted by the church, who cares what it’s called, let’s just party like it’s 1999…or whatever!

    Let’s drink and be merry!

  • The holiday season is hard enough between the days getting shorter and the weather getting colder* without getting unnecessarily offended over nothing. And it seems like reality imitating satire when I run into people who are genuinely offended, who get seriously pissed off and act like they want to hit me for saying “Happy holidays” or even “Happy Hanukkah” and they will hurt me if I bring up Solstice because Christmas IS A SEASON OF LOVE GODDAMMIT and they don’t want anyone else taking away from that.

    So what I’m saying is I would watch “Love Actually” with you because I found it pretty funny.

    *Unless you’re in the Southern hemisphere and then you can go fuck yourself for having summer and Christmas/Hanukkah/Solstice/Kwanzaa/the holiday season all together, and if you’re Rolf Harris you can REALLY go fuck yourself because I used to love your music and it was fun to listen to “Six White Boomers” at this time of year but now I get creeped out thinking about what you’ve done.

  • I am adding “We all know that, whenever someone says “Happy Holidays”, an angel gets diarrhea” to my favourite quotes list – you need to create a meme for it so I can pin it on my “I love Christmas” Pinterest board! I might even create a meme for it – I’ll make sure you are listed as the author (it seems such a waste for the world to not share the glory of such a great one liner) 🙂

  • I can’t believe the crazy shit over the cups. You get what you want out of the holiday season. It’s not up to anyone else. Early Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, Seasons Greetings, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanzaa to you all! 🙂

  • You know, the other day, my atheist, liberal, Democrat friend came down from Maryland on business. I (Republican, moderate, Baptist (not a good one, but still…I always tell folks that I am a great Christian, but a bad Baptist) Alabamian) took her out to dinner.
    Where we drank wine and ate good food and laughed and enjoyed each other’s company.
    Because while we don’t have A LOT in common, the one thing we do have in common is that neither one of us are assholes.

    Also? You’re not putting enough bourbon in your eggnog.

  • This post made me laugh. Especially since I learned this AM that “The Donald” (not the duck – although close to it) is talking about boycotting Starbucks. What a perfect combination of idiocy, no?

  • I’m going to divulge something to you, not because I want to throw a wet blanket over the whole proceeding, but only to give the “professionally offended” a new perspective. Three weeks ago, I lost my husband unexpectedly from multiple strokes. I had been with and loved him for 34 years. When I saw the article about the new Starbucks cup offending certain people, I just stared at it. I shook my head. Really? In the grand scheme of things, a Starbucks cup is your WORST fucking problem in life? Be very, very grateful if that is the case. Every year, you see the same thing. Someone is offended about something. You know what? We should get together and pressure Starbucks into creating a new holiday cup with a hand flipping the bird, but with a little ornament hanging off the middle finger. Ha!

  • This is funny. I must be under a rock because I did not know there was such evil doings/Christmas spoiling plots going on in the world of Starbucks! Thanks for alerting me to this as I prepare to face down those un- jolly baristas.

  • I love Starbucks, because I am human and I never notice the vessel it is in.
    I think if the Donald boycotts, it just makes it tastier because there will be absolutely no chance of a run in. And can we talk hypocrite with that red tie?
    Terri Lee, I am so sorry for your loss. The world is shite sometimes and I hope you are surrounded with the love of your family this Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa.

  • And no one cares at all about the Jews, who have to suffer through the paltry aisle of crappy Hanukkah decorations. That’s why I married a Catholic, so we can have a Christmas tree.

    I predict more outrage over stupid things during the holiday season.

  • Hey, yoohoo, it’s not even THANKSGIVING yet, so I think the cups should stay a turkeybrown color. And then after a few black days the cups should be nightskyblue because we all know that Jesus was born at night so the stars could be seen to guide the kings through the desert quickly before it started to snow. And we could pretend they were blue for Hanakuh, killing two birds. (Admission: I borrowed that image from a FB meme, which was a good one, did you see it?). And I forgot the name of my website so I left that blank…..

  • Just for that I am going to get a red cup and fill it with both pumpkin spice AND eggnog, two things I enjoy! For the holidays, you are welcome to send me all your unwanted pumpkiny flavored thingies. Wrap them in dark chocolate and we’re good. Now to try to say “butthurtedness” quickly three times in a row as I bless my red cup with my atheist words.

  • I don’t even care about the Starbucks cups, but OMG all the FB posts about how we’re not “allowed” to say Merry Christmas anymore. REALLY?! Is your mommy washing your mouth out with soap every time you say it? No? Then you’re fucking allowed to say it, now shut the fuck up about it. People are just ridiculous.

  • I haven’t actually heard anyone complain about the cups–I’ve only heard people complaining about the complaining. And others complaining about that.

    Regardless, we need to stop angel diarrhea. FOR SURE.

  • OMG, I keep hearing about these damn cups! I swear people have nothing more to do that to make a ruckus over nothing. It’s a freaking cup for God’s sake! I’ll never understand crap like this. Next thing you know, they’ll be rioting and destroying Starbuck’s business everywhere.

    Oy vey….

  • I have to admit, I’m a Happy Holidays kind of girl. I think it’s because I came up in Silicon Valley where my coworkers were every persuasion know to man. Or woman. Or beast. Whatever. In any case, I don’t lose my shit over any of this. Well, except maybe losing my shit over crazy fundamentalists, whose drawing of breath seems to bring out the worst ….ok i’ll stop now.

    • I think Happy Holidays is a WONDERFUL thing to wish for people. I think they’re all good. Well…maybe not the “I hope your Christmas tree catches fire” or “Choke and die on your fruitcake”..they’re not so nice.

  • That bit about the angel getting the runs? I snorted out my morning tea out of my nose onto my husband while we were in bed, which understandably prompted him to be like, “What the fuck is your deal?!?” And then I read that bit out loud to him, and then he laughed and forgot the snotty beverage on his shirt. And because your words were distracting him from my gross misconduct, I read him the whole post, and he was like, “Who is this bitch? You need to be friends with her.” And I was like, “Yes. Yes. I do. Because SHE hates eggnog, too.” And for the record: From this point on, I will ONLY refer to that evil drink as “nutmeg-flavored phlegm,” because that’s the most spot on description ever.
    I love the fuck out of you.

  • Ohhhh yes. Everybody. Just CHILL.

    How did we get to be such a country full of people waiting to Take Offence?

    *shrug*

    I’ll be the one singing “Silent Night, HOOOOOLLEEEEEEY NIIIIGHHHTTTT” and “We Wish You A Merry Christmas” at the top of my lungs and drinking coffee from my own snowman cup.

    • I need some cream and sugar in mine. The container is not important. I mean, unless it is not built for containing hot liquid, then I am squarely against that container for coffee.

  • Whenever somebody says ‘Merry Christmas’, I do have an urge to say “God doesn’t exist’. And not because I’m an atheist, probably more because I’m an asshole and like to mess with people 🙂
    Other than that, holidays are great

  • I’m colorblind and sometimes I like overpriced hot chocolate. That’s the extent to which I care about Starbucks and their cups.

  • Thanks for attempting to ruin eggnog. @#$%@#@# LOL LOL LOL I am totally with you, lets just relax and enjoy it. It’s got to be uncomfortable having panties in a wad that tight. I say if someone is taking to time to give you well wishes just accept it with gratitude. 🙂

  • Preach it Sister Michelle! Sooo…you’re saying my goat and I don’t have to head for our cave?? (It takes a couple of months to knit those goat hair scarves…she has to sit very still 🙂

    And, Linus and Lucy should be the official Christmas song. Everybody smiles when Snoopy dances on the piano! The religion of Schultz has gone unnoticed for far too long…

    When you tell Randy not to get you anything for Christmas, does he mind?

    I mean, obey??

    Swear to Santa, I’ll kill Tim if he gets me anything this year, unless it’s another horse. (I asked Santa for a Lipizzan… I’ll keep you posted 🙂

    Can’t wait for your next observation of the human ritual 🙂

  • Loved this. Its scary how politicians jump on the stupidest, vile platforms to get themselves in the news. What’s wrong with assuming not everyone celebrates Christmas and giving a blanket “Happy Holidays?” What’s so wrong with that? I shake my head sometimes over what passes for news in this country.

    • I just had a conversation like that with a friend on facebook. I think I offended her by suggesting that perhaps we all just be grateful when someone says they hope we have a nice day…however it’s worded.

  • You, Michelle, are my spirit animal.
    It’s a goshdang cup. No one busted a gut over Tim Horton’s hockey cups in October. How about McDonalds effing green milkshakes in March?
    I believe in a world where you can say whatever fucking (my coffee kicked in) greeting you want!
    The vein in my forehead is throbbing now.
    Merry Snowflakes!

  • I’m Jewish and I’ve never gotten upset when someone wished me a Merry Christmas or gave me Christmas cards. They are, after all, trying to be nice. I stick with “Happy Holidays”, because I don’t celebrate Christmas, but still hope everyone has a nice one.

    No need to be butthurt as long as we are spreading positive feelings, eh?

  • I think my favorite thing about the whole Red Cup scenario is that they were never really able to trace back to who was actually offended– but Donald Trump still called for a boycott. What an oaf.

    ALSO!!!! Love Actually. Of course I love this movie. But have you read the HILARIOUS article that shreds it as being like the worst movie of all time/horrible for women or something? It’s so freaking funny and spot on.

    • Well..if people can’t be butthurt over something, then by god, they will make something up! They need their daily outrage!

      And no. I haven’t read that article, but now I want to.

  • If all the energy, time and money that has gone into the whole red cup saga was put into housing the homeless or feeding the hungry, I think world wide poverty may have been eradicated !!!
    Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to you !!!!
    xox

  • Brilliant post. Thank you for the laughs, especially the “Happy Holidays” angel diarrhea quote. (I don’t really want that image in my head, but it’s absolutely hysterical.) I’m bemused – but not offended – over the whole Starbucks cup kerfuffle. I don’t have the energy to get offended over that, I’m still miffed that I’ve been asking Santa for “Peace on Earth” for the past 20 years and haven’t gotten it yet.

  • I LOVE “Love Actually” – it is the only DVD I own (don’t feel sorry for me – my daughter owns about a trillion of them, so there is never a shortage). PS – the Starbucks in my town was giving away stuff for free on Thanksgiving. I don’t know if that was every Starbucks or if some manager (or ballsy employee) just decided to spread some holiday cheer, but that was a nice surprise when I pulled out my wallet to pay for my White Chocolate Mocha (especially considering that they were stuck working on Thanksgiving

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